Starting at the age of 8 my life has been full of one traumatic incident after another. I was always amazed that I made it through each and every struggle without having a bitter heart or feeling like I needed redemption because of what I had been through. I was able to gracefully walk through everything and come out on the other side. Nothing was able to keep me down. I never understood where that came from. Eventually I went through something that I couldn’t get back up from…I really didn’t understand because on a larger scale, what knocked me down paled in comparison to everything else I had been through in my life. I finally realized that it was God letting me hit rock bottom. I had to hit rock bottom to realize that I wasn’t self sufficient, and that I needed Him. I always loved Him, but I never thought I needed Him or anyone else (product of other wounds). Once this realization took root in my heart, the most awesome journey began. I say awesome, because it really has been that grand. It has also been very painful…but in the midst of that pain, there has always been freedom.
This knock-down and revival of sorts happened in 2003 – 11 years ago. I went from the pits of depression and despair to finding passion, compassion and a fire for life – all in the safety of the greatest Love I’ve ever known. I’ve been on a spiritual walk where I have shed so many false identities and really discovered who I was made to be. There is so much freedom in that. I love that God is perfecting us always.
I realized something this week. Hope is what always got me through every painful situation. Through my pain, I always knew there was something more – there had to be. I’ve always been so full of Hope even through every heartache. Honestly, if I hadn’t had that Hope I don’t think I would be here right now. Hope saved my life. Hope kept me reaching for more. Hope wouldn’t let me give up.
I had the deepest revelation today straight from the words of Beth Moore – a perfect picture of my heart: pain and beauty tangled in a big knot called Hope. That pain and hope have been intertwined in my heart since I was a little girl – getting more and more knotted up along the way but never separating. The beauty that’s there is my deepest love, adoration and affection for my Lord and Savior – my greatest Hope! The pain is all of the dreadful circumstances that I’ve had to walk through. I feel like I have climbed up on top of the tallest mountain, and I’m looking back over my life. I feel like it has been an achievement getting to this point. I feel peace. I feel grief. I feel joy. I feel warmth. Honestly, I just feel like I need to rest on the top of this mountain for a moment…feeling the dew of the clouds brush across my face, smelling the sweet scent of my Savior and Love, resting my weary but relaxed head in His warmth.
It’s time to let go of the pain…where only faith, hope and love remain. I’ll rest here on this mountain for just a brief moment – then I will get up and go with my Love on what will be the greatest climb of my life!