50 Memories

Tonight is my birthday eve – I will be the big 50 tomorrow, and I have no idea how 50 got here so quickly! I’m sure most of my high school classmates can agree with me that turning 50 in 2020 is…well let’s just say we have all agreed on a do-over in 2021 :). Rather than reflecting on the what-ifs tonight (mainly because I’ve done that for the last year already and it leads to nowhere good), I’ve decided to come up with my 50 best memories. I’m going to try to go in chronological order, but I may have to backtrack a time or two.

What are your earliest memories – it seems that everyone’s started at different ages, and it’s always funny to find out what people remember from their early childhood. Chuck, my husband, remembers lots of things from his early childhood…it always shocks his parents when he recalls things.

My earliest memories come from the house in Woodbridge, VA…we lived there until I was 3 or 4.

1. The house had a huge laundry room in the basement (well huge to a small child). Greg, my brother, and I used to love to play in there, especially in the little nook behind the washer and dryer. There seemed to always be toys in there from what I recall.  

2.  I had my own bedroom upstairs in this house, and I had the most awesome  kitchenette.  It was brown – I had a sink and refrigerator and stove.

3.  I remember when Aunt Glenys and Uncle EJ came to visit – mainly I just remember being on the swing-set in the backyard with my cousin Dean.  His favorite thing to say was Good Lord :).  He was always so happy and so much fun – he still is to this day.

4. This is an odd memory to me, but a memory nonetheless.  I remember being in the backyard with my brothers playing.  They had a basketball goal in the backyard.  They had worn out the grass from playing so much, so their court was all dirt.  I remember being freaked out because if they kept wearing away the dirt, the devil would pop up….after all, he lived down below.  I have no idea how I would come up with that at such a young age.

That’s the gist of what I remember from that house and that time period.  We moved to Las Vegas, NV after we sold that house.  We lived there until I was 6 (actually had my 7th and favorite birthday to date in the car on the move to LaGrange, NC).

I said this was going to be 50 of my best memories, but I may have to include some that weren’t necessarily my favorites but still left an imprint on my brain.

5.   I went to Kindergarten and 1st grade in Las Vegas.  I didn’t particularly love school. I was painfully shy.  I became friends with a little girl named Carrie in school.  We used to walk to each other’s houses.  We lived on a military base (in the 70s) – completely safe back then or at least we all thought so.  

6.  One of my very best friends was named Sheila Evans.  We had the best time playing, and she lived right down the street.   Sheila’s dad took us ice skating one time (my first time ever).  I absolutely loved it!

7.  My dad took me outside one night after my bedtime, just the two of us, and we sat on the curb in front of our house and watched fireworks.   My daddy was the best!  (He’s also the one that gave me permission to go ice skating – see #6).

8.  After my dad would come home from work, he would sit in his recliner and have me come take off his cowboy boots.  I would straddle his foot and pull with all my might.

9.  This isn’t a pleasant memory, but I remember when Elvis died.  I remember laying in bed feeling a little scared – what if that happened to someone I loved.

10.  Another not so great memory – I was walking down the street by myself minding my business when a great big German Shepherd crossed the road (his owners were in the front yard with him).  The dog bit me 4 places on my back.  I went screaming home – I’m sure with the owner’s behind me….I don’t remember that part.  I just remember my mom driving me to the hospital.  I didn’t need stitches from what I recall…just got bandaged and a shot (probably tetanus).  I also got a cookie :).  To this day I’m scared of large dogs I don’t know…even though I want to adopt every dog I see.

11.  My mom had my haircut into a pixie (as you will see in this next picture).  I looked like a boy…and most people told my mom what a cute little boy I was…I’m surprised I ever had my hair short again, but truthfully, that’s how I like it the best.

12.  Refer back to pic in #11…Greg and I LOVED the ice cream truck.  We were both creatures of habit.  I always got the snow comb, and I always asked for one with blue in it.  I thought that was a special one…little did I know it was just where the colors bled together.  Greg always got the orange push up.

13.  I can’t remember exactly where this memory took place – it was either VA or NV.  Greg (my brother) found a bunch of toys still in their wrappers in my parents’ closet.  Naturally, we pulled them all out and began playing with them.  We didn’t even think to hide that we found them.  We were all excited showing them what we found.  My mom’s explanation was that Santa ran out of room on his sleigh so he dropped these off early for them to store.  We totally bought it – LOL.

14.  We moved to LaGrange NC when I was 7 (as I mentioned, I turned 7 in the car on the move).  My dad had retired from the military and was headed back to his roots.  My mom was staying in Las Vegas for 6 months to work out her government transfer, so it was just my dad and my 3 brothers (and of course, me).  We headed across the country in our green station wagon.  On my 7th birthday, my dad bought me a present at every stop (mainly gas stations :)….back then they had good stuff at gas stations.  Does anyone remember Stuckey’s?  I mainly got little baby dolls.  I also got a plastic Big Boy from Big Boys or was it Shoney’s back then…I can’t remember that part.  Anyway – it was the best birthday ever.  There is nothing like being doted on by your daddy.  Every little girl should be lucky enough to experience this.

15.  This is one of the memories I am backtracking on…this is another Las Vegas memory.  My dad had taken Greg and me to pick up my brothers (or one of them) from school.  It seems like they had basketball practice or something…anyway, my dad left Greg and me in the car while he went in.  All I remember is being scared that Big Foot was going to come out and get us.  Weird how I remember that, and weird that I was afraid Big Foot would kidnap us :).

16.  We are back to LaGrange now.  My aunt and uncle owned a fabric shop and grocery store in downtown LaGrange.  We lived with them when we first moved there.  My aunt made all of my clothes for school.  She was so sweet.  She let me pick out the fabrics and always made me a matching set (pants and shirt).

17.  We lived in a house out in the country – down a dirt road.  I have so many great memories from this house…I had to ride the school bus, and I HATED it.  It seemed like I was the first one picked up and the last to get home.   I remember the first time I got on the bus in the morning to go to school looking back at our front door and seeing my dad standing there behind the screen door making sure I made it on safely.  He watched the bus until we pulled away, and I watched him until we pulled away.  This memory is etched in my mind, and I’m so thankful for it!

18.  So those bus rides that I hated…I decided to take matters into my own hands one day.  I was in 2nd grade (just to give you a little insight into my crazy mindset – maybe stubborn is a better word or determined????)…anyway, I decided that I knew I could find my way to my aunt’s store downtown which was very close to my school, so I would just walk there and have my cousin Mike (whom I adored) just take me home.  I made it to the store just fine, but Mike was working and couldn’t take me home, so he called my dad to come get me.  Rutroh…actually, I really didn’t get into big trouble like I should have.  I think secretly my dad thought it was funny, however, I knew to NEVER EVER do it again.

19.  Same country house…it had the biggest, longest hallway ever (at least it seemed that way to a 7 year old).  I used to roller skate down that hallway all the time.  I have no idea when I found my love for skating (maybe at the ice rink in Las Vegas), but I still love it.

20.  Same country house….one night all of us kids were in my oldest brother’s room (Glen) sitting on his bed just chit chatting away, and I saw a mouse go into my other brother’s room (Barry).  I told Barry that I saw a mouse go into his room, but he didn’t believe me (supposedly).  When he went to bed that night, he took a machete, a vacuum cleaner, and whatever other tools he could find to use as a weapon.  This is when I learned to be afraid of mice!!!!

21.  After my mom arrived from Las Vegas, we (well my parents) bought a house in town and we moved.  We instantly became friends with all of our neighbors (mostly boys).  Greg and I spent many days and nights playing Spotlight, Dukes of Hazard (the neighbor’s house was the Boars Nest), catching lightning bugs, riding our bikes through corn fields and so many other wonderful things.

22.  Backtracking again…still in LaGrange, but before my mom had moved there.  One of my friends was having a birthday party.  Her name was Regina Johnson.  She must have given me an invitation with her address on it because we definitely found her house (Glen – my oldest brother – drove me there).  My dad had Glen take me to my aunt’s store to get Regina a present.  My aunt gave me a pretty glass jar filled with hard candy to take to her.  We drove up to Regina’s house and some man came out (her dad), and we told him that we were there for the party.  He told us the party had been canceled.  Regina came out and I gave her the present.  She was so happy that I came.  To this day she is my dearest friend :).  

23.  The house we lived at in town had a great big front porch on it with a swing.  The porch was made of concrete.  I used to take a radio out there and plug it in and turn it to the classical music station.  I would figure skate all over the porch…I even had my moves down to get around the swing.  It seems as though I had parties for one a lot…not pity parties…real parties.  I definitely entertained myself well!!

24.  Our neighbors owned a service station in town.  I used to love going down there with them.  They would always give us a bottle of cold Mountain Dew out of the boxed refrigerator.  I loved growing up in a small town.

25.  When we first moved to LaGrange, my dad and my aunt (his sister) took Greg and me to the ocean.  This was my first time seeing the ocean, and I was enamored.  I still am to this day…any ocean anywhere is my favorite place.

26.  When we first moved to NC my dad took us to visit all of the relatives…aunts, uncles, grandparents (his dad as his mom died when we lived in NV).  I loved seeing my Auntie (my mom’s only sister).    He also took us to visit his Aunt Bernice.  I didn’t remember her – I only remembered seeing pictures of her.  I was so confused when my dad told me that was Aunt Bernice.  I told him it wasn’t her…I found the picture that I recognized on their mantle and said THAT was Aunt Bernice (a much younger Aunt Bernice).  I remember my dad thinking that was funny…I’m not sure how he convinced me that it really was Aunt Bernice, but somehow he did.

27.  My dad managed a hotel at Topsail Beach in NC for a brief period.  I practically lived there that summer (I think it was only one but it may have been two).  We had nice living quarters there.  I used to go sit in the living room at night and play Barry Manilow loudly and sing from the top of my lungs.  I’m sure no one appreciated that, but no one made me shut up.  I still love Barry Manilow, and I love that I can remember my love of music from such an early age.

28.   That leads me to this memory (backtracking to Vegas).  My very first concert was at some Coliseum.  We saw Chicago.  How is that for an awesome first concert????  I still remember that we all dressed up.  I had on my orange Easter dress.  I was just dancing in my seat.  That was the most exciting thing ever!

29.  At the end of 3rd grade at Easter, my dad died of a massive heart attack.  I have a string of memories that aren’t particularly good which I’m not going to mention here.  His death sent me into a shell…one that took me years to come out of.  I am so thankful for him, and I’m so thankful that God used him to show me just what Godly love really is.  My dad loved me like no other.

30.  My mom used to take Greg and me on random road trips…mostly to SC to visit her family.  These trips were never planned.  She would just tell us to hop in the car and off we would go…usually getting back the same day very late at night.  I loved these trips….I adored getting to spend time alone with my mom on the road.  We would always stop for tiny cokes in the bottle and peanuts.  We were on one of these trips (always back country roads) when we heard that Reagan was shot.  I’ll never forget my mom’s reaction.  It scared me, and I was relieved that he didn’t die.

31.  I never cared much for school – I really didn’t do very well in school from what I recall.  It was somewhere I had to go and that was about it.  When I was in 7th grade I had a teacher who will remain nameless…this teacher chastised me in front of the entire class…basically saying I was stupid.  Of course I was humiliated…but more than that, I was mad, and I made a resolution at that moment that I would show her who was stupid.  From that point on I made straight As.  I also graduated 2nd in my high school class.  I had to study hard to get there…but it taught me that with hard work and determination, I could overcome anything and be anything I wanted to be.

32.  My mom enrolled me in modeling classes when I was 15.  I modeled until I was 19…even went to NY to visit agencies.  I loved it, and it definitely got me out of my shell.  I’m thankful for those days…I learned how to take care of my skin at a young age and also how to have good posture (most of the time :)).

33.  I loved anytime when I could be with all of my brothers at the same time (well in high school probably).  Glen (my oldest brother) was 17 when my dad died, so he became a father figure to me.  I used to go sit in his lap in the recliner at night  when he watched TV.  He was always the one I ran to when I was upset.  He was another special gift from God to me.  I don’t know how I would have survived my childhood without him.

34.  My cousin, Kris, introduced me to Duran Duran when I was 14ish.  I fell in love with John Taylor.  I just knew he would would be my husband one day :).  My walls were so plastered with posters of them that you couldn’t figure out what color the paint was.

35.  My first real boyfriend looked like John Taylor.  He worked at the toy store in the mall (K&B I believe).  My mom would drop me off at the mall after modeling class, and I would go to the toy store and buy something (“for my brother”).  To my surprise, he asked me out.  We dated for a year or something close to that.  He was 3 years older than me.  I was 15 and he was 18.  He was the best first boyfriend.  He was always a perfect gentleman.  I got my heart broken by him, but I’m so thankful for him and totally see how God had his hand on me in that relationship.

36.  At the Academic Banquet my senior year in high school, I was named our class Salutatorian.  My mom and Glen were there.  I was so excited and so proud that my hard work had paid off.

37.   At our awards day just before graduation, I had won so many things…not to brag here…I was as shocked as anyone…it was so nice to be recognized for achieving something.

38.  I loved High School…I’m sure I had heart breaking moments as everyone did, but I remember those days as fun.  I had the best classmates.  I loved going to a country high school and growing up in a small town near the coast.  I loved being so full of hope.

39.  College…whew…I loved my 4 years at ECU.  I think somewhere in those 4 years I lost my naivety.  I made great friends that I will always cherish.  It’s funny how we think we have it so hard in school….then the real world sets in.

40.  I moved to Dallas, TX when I was 25 after going through some trying times (trying to keep it positive here).  I moved in with my brother, Barry.  I loved moving to Dallas.  It was scary and exciting.  I was definitely a small town girl, so it was a BIG change.  My sweet friend, Michelle, flew out to Dallas with me when I first moved to spend time with me there and help me get settled.  I don’t think she knows just how much I appreciated that (and just how much I needed it).

41.  This is not going to sound positive, but shortly after I moved to TX I was in a car wreck and broke my neck.  The trauma of it was not pleasant, but I learned a lot during that time.  My brother was the best, and so was his girlfriend (who is now his wife of many years).  They really took care of me while I recovered.  Barry would wash my hair for me in the sink (I had a halo brace and couldn’t shower).  Karen invited me to her mom’s for Christmas.  Her family all bought me Christmas presents (even her grandmother) and acted like I should have been there all along.  These are sweet things that touch your heart for a lifetime.

42.  Those Texas years were some of the best.  I learned to Two Step and Jitterbug, and I learned that even at country bars, they took breaks for disco :).  Karen (my SIL) and I got together every week to watch Melrose Place.  I would always cook dinner (and always included potatoes of some sort – we both loved them).  I met a lot of great people there and will always have fond memories of TX.

43.  I regress way back to when my father died for this one….I had nightmares and fear after he died.  My mom told me I should sleep with a Bible under my pillow.  I walked to the drug store and bought a red Bible.  I slept with it under my pillow until I was out of high school.  I remember my mom being scared after my dad died…this was the first time I remember hearing about the Lord.  She told Greg and me that the Good Lord would take care of us.  I got saved when I was 10 at a church camp I had gone to with my childhood friend, Angie.  The camp was called The Wilds.  I stayed active in youth groups and used to walk to church as a child.  I know looking back that God always had his hand on me.  

44.  After years of battling depression I gave my whole life to Jesus when I was 33.  I had been running from Him for a long time because I didn’t deem myself worthy of Him after a bad decision I made in college.  I had gone to church with Glen and his wife, Eileen this particular day when I was 33.  My depression didn’t go away at once, but hope certainly appeared at once, and slowly I became whole again because of the love of Jesus.

45.  I had moved to GA when I was 31.  I had no intention of staying…was just passing through on my way to NC…or so I thought.  I met Chuck (my husband) at church.  After lots of bad relationships, I had prayed for God to arrange my marriage.  Along came Chuck, and here we are 15 years later.

46.  My wedding day will always be one of my favorite memories.  We got married on July 23, 2005.  It was an outdoor, morning wedding at Lake Hartwell, SC.  There was a 0% chance of rain that day…that never happens.  I felt the peace and love of God the entire day.  I was so happy!  It was the perfect wedding for us, and Chuck has been the perfect gift from God for me.

47.  When I was in college, I became friends with one of the most fun people ever.  Her name is Kim.  We used to sing and dance and reenact Grease.  We would go to Cubbies for cheesesteaks every week after Biology Lab.  She will always be a forever friend that is dear to my heart.  She taught me the unconditional love of a friend.

48.  When Chuck and I were engaged, I told him every bad, sinful thing I had ever done.  I didn’t want the devil to ever be able to use any of that against me in our relationship.  Chuck told me none of that mattered and that he loved me – all of me. He taught me the unconditional love of a husband.  The impact he has had on my heart is indescribable.

49.  I’m grasping at straws here…but how can I not mention all of the animals I have had and loved?  I’m not going to name names, but I have loved them all too much as I say.  

50.  I’ll end on this note…not with a memory but hope for all of the years God has left for me….a hope that I will leave my heart on everything and everyone that I touch…I say my heart because my heart is filled with the love of Jesus, and He has captured my heart for all of time!  That would be the greatest gift of all!


And confusion sets in

By the time my mind gets to this point it means that I have prayed and prayed and processed and processed and then gotten so busy with life that my head is completely jumbled. This is when I know the enemy has set in. I’m now trying to sort out my brain and heart which is easiest to do for me by writing.

The heart of the matter – or in this case – the head of the matter is that I have no clue what my worth is….yes, in my head I know what my worth is but that counts as nothing if I don’t know it in my heart – my heart comes up empty. My heart keeps my head downtrodden as if in shame, completely rejected. I’ve projected all of my life’s rejections onto God (and there are countless rejections (family, best friends, close relatives, bosses). Basically people have let me hang around to serve them but I never really felt wanted. This may be the truth or it may not be, but this is my perception, so it is my truth. My other truth (because it has been told to me countless times) is that I should always let everyone treat me like crap because after all – they are more important than me. If you hear a little anger and bitterness, yes it is definitely there….but moreso, my heart is just crushed…and I let the same people crush it again and again and again. I desperately need God to show me my worth – I need Him to show me how He sees me. That is the only thing that will heal this rejection I feel – and at this point I think most of it is me rejecting myself because of all of the lies I have believed.

My other great struggle is trusting God to take care of my babies (furry babies Baxter & Eddie). I have this gripping fear that something will happen to them in my absence and they will be alone and afraid. I project this on them because this is how I felt when my dad died – alone and afraid. The fear of this cripples me. This isn’t healthy and it isn’t from God. I know in my heart that they will be ok and that I will be ok too, but my heart is so scarred. I always say I love them too much – the thought of anything happening to them is unbearable…yet it is inevitable. I assure you that I know how irrational this sounds – that is how all deep wounds come across – as irrational There’s a pocket of my heart that is still so wounded and traumatized. There is clearly a feeling from my past that desperately cripples me with fear…I know it is the fear of losing someone I love when my whole heart is invested in them. I’ve repressed so many memories after my father died…He died in April of 1979 – I was in the 3rd grade. I honestly don’t remember much from the funeral all the way to 4th grade starting. I have no recollection at all….it’s like I went off the grid.

My prayer is that God will show me He delights in me…He adores me. My prayer is that God shows me He will take care of my babies in my absence and they nor I will ever feel that crippling fear of loneliness and lifelessness again.

I know that God is doing a great work in my heart and He will heal these things in His timing. I truly hope it is very soon!


This is a boring title…but it is so full of depth and emotions. I could have called it depleted…same thing – both are how I feel…empty and depleted. This has been a long time coming…but I’ve only now in this moment had the chance to let myself sit still and cry and let these feelings come rushing out. I’ve held them in for so long, I almost don’t know how to let them escape. I’ve been struggling with depression for the past month or maybe more…mainly because I have been giving absolutely everything I have to everyone else…making sure everyone else had their needs met…I have given away all of my time and all of my attention, and I left none for myself…this is a big no-no for an introvert. It has led me to this place…the place of absolute emptiness. I’ve been shielding this emotional breakdown for so long that I don’t even know how to stop and let Jesus come in and take over…such a foreign place for me. I know I’ve intentionally kept him just on the outskirts of my heart because His love always touches me, and I just didn’t have time to break down and fall in His arms. I’m at such a low place, and I know Jesus will pick me up, cradle me, love me and set me on the right path…and I’m ready to let Him. In my own mind I have no idea what that path looks like…there is no path that is appealing to me except for the path that leads to Him. I feel so far gone that I don’t even know what makes me excited – what makes me happy – what fills me with joy. I pray that He will show me…as I re-learn how to take time for myself.

I could go into all of my disappointments in life and how I never thought I would be where I am…but that seems pointless and wasteful. The past is the past. It has taught me much. I long for a future in which my past makes sense…I long for a moment in which I let it all go…my disappointments, my heartbreaks, my what-ifs…maybe now needs to be that moment…where I lay it all at the feet of my greatest Love, Jesus! All of these things are a puddle at His feet…and in the puddle I see a reflection of myself hand in hand with Him. I gaze into His loving eyes and I am full. I am complete. I am everything I need to be.

Sabbath – old school or necessary?

I just started a Bible study by Priscilla Shirer – Breathe.  It’s about making room for sabbath in all areas of your life.  It’s really not about taking Sunday off…it’s about setting margins for things in your life…think of margins as boundaries or self-contained units.  I love that Priscilla likens boundaries or margins to a fire-pit…a self-contained area meant to be enjoyed.  This has helped me so much – I struggle with work-life balance.  I can’t rest when there are things to be done (and there are always things to be done)…and when I say rest – it means my soul just doesn’t know how to be still.  I’m learning to set work boundaries once I get home…I’m realizing it’s imperative to my well-being.  

I love that Priscilla talks about how on the 7th day, God CREATED rest – He created tranquility and serenity…it’s meant to complete us.  I LOVE that…it’s not something we are meant to do (rest that it is)….it’s something that is meant to complete us – without it we aren’t complete.  That certainly explains a lot in my life.

For the first time ever I’m learning to rest – I’m learning to quiet my soul and mind and just be infiltrated with peace, tranquility and serenity.  It feels awesome so far…but I’m definitely a big work in progress :).  

More to come on this later as I progress in this study…but it reminds me of something my dear friend, Kim Strong, says – Peace must be our operating system.  That is so true, and without rest it is impossible.

When The Music Fades…

When the music fades
All is stripped away
And I simply come
Longing just to bring
Something that’s of worth
That will bless Your heart

I’m reminded of these lyrics today.  This is from one of my favorite songs “The Heart of Worship.”  It definitely means different things to me in different seasons.

I long for things to be stripped away.  ‘Stripped Away’ is a recurring theme in my life these days. As I sit here and put these words on paper, that becomes obvious to me.

I long for simple things…love, laughter, life.  I long for intimacy – meaningful relationships that are built of substance.  I’ve become less tolerant of fluff.  Life is too short to cloud it with things that just don’t matter.  I want to soak up every moment and feel it with my whole heart.

Over the past 10 years God has been stripping away false identities that I have carried my whole life.  I’m at a point now of feeling so much freedom and joy, but I realize that I have over-complicated my life with things/people that just don’t add happiness to it.  These lyrics remind me of the joy found in just being still and experiencing His love and witnessing His beauty in the most simple places.  That is what my heart truly longs for, and I’m on a mission to find my buried Treasure and enjoy it in all its splendor.  When the music fades and all is stripped away, all will be right with my world!

Forgiving…Is It a Choice?

I’ve always heard that we must forgive, and I know what the scripture says. After years of feeling guilty for not forgiving people in my heart though I desperately wanted to, I began to pray about this topic. What I realized is that we should have a forgiving heart, but we can’t help how we feel. When someone wounds us, it takes time to heal. God can handle the truth – He already knows our heart. This was one of the most freeing revelations to me. I’ve had situations in my life where I was so wounded that I didn’t think I would ever get past the pain. When you feel deep pain like that, you want the person that put you in that state to hurt too…not the most Godly thing to say out loud, but it is truth nonetheless. We are, after all, humans. At the end of the day, it’s what we do with that hurt and pain that matters. There have been several instances where I had to pray for years – I mean years – lots of them, for God to heal my pain and take away my bitter heart. I had to distance myself from the people that hurt me as they weren’t sorry for their actions and had no intention of trying to redeem the situation. Honestly, how do wounds heal when there is no redemption? That would be like expecting a cut to heal and close even though you never got the dirt and bacteria out of it…it just simply doesn’t happen. When people hurt you and don’t seem to care, only God can heal the wound. It will take however long it takes…it will happen in God’s timing. I can tell you that it truly was my heart not to be bitter, and I purposely put distance between myself and those that hurt me so that I wouldn’t act in an ungodly manner, and more so that I would have the time and space to heal in God’s timing. Honestly, it’s not a pleasant state to be in – bitterness only hurts you…not the person that did the hurting.

Forgiveness itself isn’t a choice. Your heart can’t just choose to forgive no matter what your head does. Your actions and your petitions to God are your choices. You intentionally choosing to persevere no matter how long it takes to heal is your choice.

Have freedom in knowing that God can handle your broken heart, and He will nurse it back to health in His timing with the love and compassion that only He can give. Guard against bitter actions by praying, praying again and praying some more.

Sometimes those relationships are redeemed though it just may be years later. Sometimes those relationships aren’t. The one thing that always stands true is that God WILL heal your heart with His loving touch in His perfect timing!

Why Do People Have to Be So Mean?


This is truly not a rant. I’m honestly quite brokenhearted by the lack of compassion and empathy of people. I don’t understand how people can be mean for mean’s sake -just to intentionally hurt others! That is straight from the pits of hell. I’ve been on the receiving end of such meanness more times than I care to count. It cuts to the quick, and honestly, it is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to get over.

I saw the picture above on Facebook, and for whatever reason, it healed something in my heart from one of these deep wounds – one that I had been trying to get over for 5 years. It’s not that I think I’m better than anyone else…I truly don’t. I do, however, know that I will never be like the people who do this to others…my mind nor my heart works that way. It just isn’t how I am wired, and it’s foreign to me. Through this picture I realized that it is my choice to walk away from this kind of behavior and simply not to tolerate it. The behavior of others doesn’t define me…it never did. It’s like there is a pool of witchcraft that people like this choose to swim in…I choose to not be a part of it. That is freeing. I love how in an instant, years of heartache disappear with just a sweet touch…a sweet whisper! There is reward with perseverance!

A Magical Night

It felt like we would never get there…the drive was endless.  Traffic jams, torrential down pours, and various other deterrents kept getting in the way.  Exhaustion ensued many hours before the 17 hour drive was over.

Finally around 11:30pm, we arrived.  The vacation could officially begin.  We had finally arrived at the beach; my favorite place of all places.  We quickly unloaded the car, and I could hardly wait to walk out to the ocean.

Ah – at last – there it was in all its splendor…just as magnificent as the last time I gazed upon it…maybe even more so this time.

The odd thing was that as I approached the ocean, my spirit quickened.  I felt nervous.  My heart felt weighted down – I wasn’t sad – I just felt heavy.

The lighthouse was aglow with its light flickering across the ocean.  The moon was so bright; its light dancing across the water.  I felt like I had just stepped into a magical movie set.  The air was still except for a gentle breeze that lightly caressed my cheek.  I quite literally felt like I was in heaven.  I felt like I had entered God’s throne room – the Holy of Holies.

Genesis 1:2 Now the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters.

Magical, serene, beautiful, raw, vulnerable, naked, unashamed – these are the words that described my emotions and feelings.  It was magnetic really – my sense of belonging there – our spirits intertwined, dancing to the melody of the breeze as the night was beautifully illuminated by the moonlight.  I won’t soon forget that night, and I eagerly await the next dance and the next time I will get to feel my heart soar like that!

Pathway to Peace

I had a dream…

I woke up just after midnight – the time on the clock stood out to me. I also woke up squeezing the covers in my hands trying to kill the lion (thank God Eddie wasn’t near me – I could have hurt him in my sleep).

So the dream took place in LaGrange in the exact house where I grew up from age 8 – college. I was married to Chuck, and we were living there. We had a dog that was older and big…he was laying across the street in the neighbor’s yard (much like my childhood dog used to do). I glanced out the window as I was just going about my business perfectly content when I saw a lion outside.
It was mangy looking. At first glance I saw hanging in its mane just below the head on the front of the neck, a skeleton with valves hanging from it (like heart valves – a red one for sure…maybe a yellow one in addition. There were 2 valves). Then the lion turned around and the same skeleton and valves were in the hair around his tail. The first thing I thought was that lion is going to kill my dog. I started yelling for Chuck and ran outside to get my dog inside…it was a race to beat the lion, and I was frantic. Chuck never answered or acknowledged me. I tried to get the dog to run, but he wouldn’t get up at all – no sense of harm or urgency. So I started pulling him, but he was too big, and I couldn’t get him to come – all the while the lion was approaching. I was still screaming for Chuck and looking at the open front door and nothing – Chuck was nowhere to be found.
I put my arms around the dog when all of a sudden the lion was in my face. So it was me with my dog in my arms – my dog’s head by my head and the lions head by my dog’s head. I was so scared because I knew he was going to kill my dog (I wasn’t concerned for my own safety). Next thing I know I decide I have to try to kill the lion even though I think it’s impossible. I start grabbing for his throat and saying to myself that I can do it, I can do it (because I hate to harm anything and it was gross, but I was desperate). Then I woke up grasping the covers thinking it was the lion’s throat.

This dream was stock piled with revelations – the answers to years of prayers. God showed me through this dream where the irrational fear and anxiety that I have felt since childhood was born. The fear ended after this revelation. Through this dream, God connected me to my father in a new way…for the first time I felt a connection to him as an adult even though I was 8 when he died. Through this dream God showed me just how discerning I have always been even when I was too young to understand it. This dream set me free on so many levels, and I’m so thankful.

2014 Comes To A Close

I sit here on New Year’s Eve definitely ready to wrap up 2014. It hasn’t been the worst year of my life, but it hasn’t been the best (not even sure what the best would be – maybe it will be 2015). My heart feels heavy and consumed with certain things. I feel a strong sense that I need to let those things go – leave them with 2014 and not look back on them as I start 2015. 2014 has been a year of survival for me…holding my breath trying to get through hoping the hammer wouldn’t fall. I became so accustomed to things going wrong in 2013 that it set the tone for 2014. No hammer fell on me – yet it was still a hard year…I waded through a lot of things – things that felt like thick sludge – was a long, slow journey – as I hashed things out emotionally and physically.

The things I need to leave behind with 2014 (and I wholeheartedly give these things to God – His to gently lay down and blow away like old dust):
1. Bitterness and hurt towards people that have deeply wounded me. I pray blessings for these people and truly pray that God will make my heart light and happy for them as they receive blessings. I pray that I may see everyone through the lens of God – not through the lens of my hurt.

2. Negative outlook about myself – for the first time in years I feel a strong resolve to be healthy physically by eating right and exercising…however, I don’t want to feel good about myself because I think I look better. I want to feel good about myself because the weight loss means leaving things in my past along with the fat – leaving my past in my past – the hurt, the anxiety, the fear, the loss, the longing.

3. Fear of death or things to come (mainly death of others I love)…but I do always look behind my back waiting for someone to murder me or attack me – so very strange. I need to give that fear to God and leave it behind. I pray I would see the people that I suspect of hurting me through the lens of God as well…I pray that as I look at them, they would receive the love of God through my gaze – that it would make them feel warm and loved.

4. I leave behind the need to take care of everyone making sure everyone is safe and doesn’t feel lonely. All I can do is pray for those people and leave it up to God.

5. Negativity about my circumstances. I hope to live and understand that God is in all of my circumstances even when I don’t feel Him. It is my true desire to wake up every day and feel joy and happiness as I look expectantly towards my day – towards my dance with my Love. Every day there will be a new and special encounter…new because it’s a new day…special because every encounter is. I pray that my life will be a dance – melodic and filled with love and deep emotion, a quiet passion, a softness, and grace always.

I shed the things of my past…they no longer need to hurt me. All of those things are nailed to the cross. Tonight I cut the cords of the things that have weighted me down – like balloons being held down by sand…the sand is gone…now I will float through this world with pure freedom, happiness – giggling my way through this life with joy that I never imagined possible. What a beautiful journey I have ahead…no idea what waits for me in this life on earth, but I do know I’m not ever alone. The lover of my heart, soul and spirit will be dancing with me, leading me into forever, giggling with me.

I’m ready for 2015 – although I’m ready for new things, I don’t want to delete the old things – those things have brought me wisdom – they have built me up and torn me down – 2015 is more a year to take off and fly…to use the foundation of everything God has instilled in me for all of my life really, but even more so for the past 11 years.

I shall label 2015 my greatest dance – here’s to the music of my heart flowing effortlessly completely intertwined with my greatest Love.