By the time my mind gets to this point it means that I have prayed and prayed and processed and processed and then gotten so busy with life that my head is completely jumbled. This is when I know the enemy has set in. I’m now trying to sort out my brain and heart which is easiest to do for me by writing.
The heart of the matter – or in this case – the head of the matter is that I have no clue what my worth is….yes, in my head I know what my worth is but that counts as nothing if I don’t know it in my heart – my heart comes up empty. My heart keeps my head downtrodden as if in shame, completely rejected. I’ve projected all of my life’s rejections onto God (and there are countless rejections (family, best friends, close relatives, bosses). Basically people have let me hang around to serve them but I never really felt wanted. This may be the truth or it may not be, but this is my perception, so it is my truth. My other truth (because it has been told to me countless times) is that I should always let everyone treat me like crap because after all – they are more important than me. If you hear a little anger and bitterness, yes it is definitely there….but moreso, my heart is just crushed…and I let the same people crush it again and again and again. I desperately need God to show me my worth – I need Him to show me how He sees me. That is the only thing that will heal this rejection I feel – and at this point I think most of it is me rejecting myself because of all of the lies I have believed.
My other great struggle is trusting God to take care of my babies (furry babies Baxter & Eddie). I have this gripping fear that something will happen to them in my absence and they will be alone and afraid. I project this on them because this is how I felt when my dad died – alone and afraid. The fear of this cripples me. This isn’t healthy and it isn’t from God. I know in my heart that they will be ok and that I will be ok too, but my heart is so scarred. I always say I love them too much – the thought of anything happening to them is unbearable…yet it is inevitable. I assure you that I know how irrational this sounds – that is how all deep wounds come across – as irrational There’s a pocket of my heart that is still so wounded and traumatized. There is clearly a feeling from my past that desperately cripples me with fear…I know it is the fear of losing someone I love when my whole heart is invested in them. I’ve repressed so many memories after my father died…He died in April of 1979 – I was in the 3rd grade. I honestly don’t remember much from the funeral all the way to 4th grade starting. I have no recollection at all….it’s like I went off the grid.
My prayer is that God will show me He delights in me…He adores me. My prayer is that God shows me He will take care of my babies in my absence and they nor I will ever feel that crippling fear of loneliness and lifelessness again.
I know that God is doing a great work in my heart and He will heal these things in His timing. I truly hope it is very soon!