I’ve been reading Unashamed by Christine Caine. I’m only on Chapter 5…usually I fly through books, but this is one to take slowly, to absorb all that God is showing you. Funny, I bought the book because I knew it would be good, but foolishly I thought there wasn’t possibly any other major thing that God could heal in me. I was so wrong, and I’m so thankful that I was.
I’ve had intimacy issues throughout my marriage…the one place I should never feel shame. My husband has always been so patient, understanding and so loving. There have been times in my past where the thought of being intimate with him crippled me with fear – it wasn’t all the time – it was very sporadic. Every time I feel this fear, God is about to heal something in me. God showed me early in our marriage that I had been molested when I was a little girl – I had repressed it. That was definitely part of the problem, but it wasn’t all of it. He long ago healed me from that. There have been some other things I have walked through that left me very broken hearted. God has been healing these things one at a time. As I was reading Unashamed, my Spirit felt heavy, and I felt that same familiar feeling – God was tugging at me showing me that I had a wound that was still buried. He showed me on the spot exactly where it came from – it came from an unhealthy relationship in my past. I thought I had been healed from that…I had shared all of these things long ago with my husband intentionally because I know that truth brings light to darkness. I didn’t realize that I still carried the shame from it. What I discovered yesterday is that it was not even my shame to carry – it was shame that I attached to myself and wore as my own. I had been exposed to some sexual perversion as a child from someone very influential in my life…I wasn’t part of these acts – I just saw them by mistake (mainly because things were left out where they shouldn’t have been). These things made me feel dirty, and they gave me a completely different feeling about this person. I thought this person was dirty. I realized that this particular relationship that God was showing me from my past, though not perverse at all, made me identify with this person, and I put the filth on myself. I was dirty from then until yesterday. Yesterday God showed me a picture of myself from high school…I was such a pure, good girl. God showed me that is who I am – I have always been that sweet, innocent girl. That’s my heart – regardless of any relationship I have been in – my heart has always been pure.
I’m so excited about what God is doing in all of His daughters’ lives! Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is Freedom! I pray that God would use this book to heal something in every single person that reads it!