I decided to write today because sometimes it is the only way for me to process things. I’m in an awkward in-between stage in my life. Maybe it’s not really an in-between stage; maybe it’s a short, strange transitional season. I have no idea where this journey of life is leading me – really, I have no idea where God is leading me. I’m doing my best to wait on Him – to wait on His leading. I keep feeling uncomfortable in my own skin and find myself in the familiar place of wanting to charge ahead into a space that I control – truly a space where I can hide and mesh into the fabric of being on everyone else’s back burner. That place honestly sucks, but it’s where I have spent most of my life, so it’s comfortable to me – in a sucky kind of way. The real truth is I hate that place, and I want something different. In this moment I find myself manifesting the hurt of 35 years…this hurt has followed me my entire life – which really means this has been an on-going attack of Satan my entire life – one meant to cripple me – one meant to keep me from my purpose and destiny. As much as I don’t like this particular place of vulnerability that I find myself in with Jesus, I hate the thought of letting Satan defeat me more. I’m ready to step out and walk in my purpose, and I know this deep wound/scar tissue is holding me back. I know that God wants to heal it…He has been pointing it out to me for weeks. Every time I think I have moved past it, I realize that I haven’t. Today everything caught up with me, and I find myself in a horrible funk.
I titled this blog when truth and love breed rejection. I’ve always had a loving heart – I see the good in everyone, even when it is deeply buried. It’s part of my calling (which took me a long time realize). My point here is that I love with my whole heart. I don’t hold back. Yet I continuously find myself being horribly wounded by everyone that I hold dear and even those that are just a little dear. Because I love using my whole heart, when people hurt me, it’s so hard to recover. I’ve spent my whole life running from these wounds and accepting the lies of people’s actions as truth. This started all the way back in elementary school in the 4th grade. This grade was exceptionally impactful for me as it was my first year in school without my daddy. He died at the end of 3rd grade. I was already pretty lost because of his death – very unsure of what his death even meant for me – very unsure of who I was now. I moved forward in the 4th grade making friends and giving my whole heart to these little girls that were now my friends. As it turns out, maybe they really weren’t my friends. Maybe they didn’t love me back – maybe they just pretended to love me back. I stayed loyal to one of these friends all the way through 7th grade, and just continued to get hurt over and over and over again. I don’t know why I didn’t just find new friends – I guess I just needed some sense of belonging. The thing is that regardless of who my ‘best’ friend was over the years, they always ended up doing the same things…betraying me, saying mean things about me behind my back, chastising me about the way I dress, my hair cut, the way I dance, and all sorts of other things. This list of folks isn’t just limited to my best friends – I went through the same things with very close family members. I went through the same things at several of my workplaces. Throughout my life my love and honesty has bred so much rejection and deep, deep hurt. Throughout my life I have been told by all of these people that I don’t have value; I don’t have worth; I’m not loved; I’m not special. I felt I was allowed to stick around because I was willing to do whatever anyone needed me to do; but I never felt wanted, loved and adored or valuable.
I mentioned that I’m in a transitional season. I resigned from my job in corporate America at the end of April. The truth is that I pigeon-holed myself in a field that I honestly didn’t like. Rather than doing what I knew in my heart was my passion, I chose something that I thought others would find more meaningful – I chose something that brought me no life in hopes of finding acceptance from others. Guess what – it didn’t work so well. My career of over 20+ years brought me more rejection and feelings of hopelessness because I felt like I wasted my life. I had true successes throughout my career, and I made a lot of money – none of that matters to me. I know now that my life nor these years were a waste – God uses everything for good for those that are called according to His purpose. After much prayer and waiting, I knew it was time to leave that long path of un-fulfillment in April. I honestly feel like it’s time for me to move into my calling, my purpose, my passion. I know that God is telling me that I have been created for a time such as this. I know in my heart of hearts that God has the most spectacular journey laid out for me, and it is something that will bedazzle my heart. I know it is something that in an instant will make me feel like those long years behind me barely existed…a thousand years is but a day. I also know that in this transition there are places in my heart that are still so wounded, and those wounds need to be healed in order for me to truly experience everything God has for me moving forward. I spent the first month after my resignation climbing the walls – staying home with nothing to do or no purpose was so foreign to me. I’m in the second month now, and things are better – I have a bit of a rhythm going, and I have some things I’m working on that are truly my passion. During this time God has been digging deep into my heart and showing me the dead parts. He has already healed some of the things He has shown me during this transition period, but there are other things He has shown me that are still there causing death in my heart. Mainly the things that remain are all of the things I have talked about here – how friends, family, etc rejected me and wounded me. I’ve known the root for a few weeks – God showed me where these things originated…but my healing still hasn’t happened even though I tried to convince myself that it had.
God uses things we find bizarre sometimes to point us to our wounds. I woke up today like any other normal Saturday – the whole day ahead of me with really nowhere to be or nothing pressing to do. The first thing I did was look at my phone – there on social media was another one of these things…someone I had poured my heart into decided that people that were so mean to me were more acceptable and more valuable than I was. Something else on social media caught my attention – a former Voice finalist was shot and killed after one of her performances. Seeing this put me in such a deep funk – it made me feel so wounded. This is what I mean about God using bizarre things to point to our wounds. My feelings about her death were irrational. She was very talented, but beyond watching her season of the Voice, I really had not followed her career. Yet all morning I have felt so much bitterness from this. I realized that I identified with the characteristics her shooter projected onto her – clearly he thought she had no value or worth – so much so that he took her life. I’m certainly not trying to say that anything I have been through compares to this – it clearly doesn’t. What I am saying is that it makes me angry that someone else decided her fate – that someone decided to play God with her life. She was a beautiful, young girl with so much passion and love for everyone. She had her whole life ahead of her – a life to touch so many people…and in an instant it was gone – someone had snuffed it out. That’s the part I identify with – I feel like I’ve had several people snuff me out…they didn’t literally kill me, but they have been killing my soul year after year. I know now that this has been the master plan of the devil – trying to keep me hidden and isolated – making me feel invisible – making me feel rejected, unworthy, unloved and devalued.
As a result of my wounds, I learned to just fade into the background. I learned to stay on the sidelines loving people and working hard and never being seen or acknowledged. That empty place is where my soul has resided for over 35 years. Frankly, my soul needs a new home – a home that is filled with love and adoration – a home where I’m valued and of worth – a home where I am accepted fully and loved just because I am me – a home where others actually want me around because they truly enjoy being with me. What God is showing me in this very moment is that regardless of the hurts, I have always been someone that people have valued and loved and adored and wanted to be around. Satan comes to steal, kill and destroy – and he has done a fantastic job up until now…I am just realizing that the lies we receive from people’s actions are truly lies – just because they make us feel a certain way doesn’t mean it is truly their heart for us. It doesn’t mean they don’t love, accept and value us. Satan will use every opportunity to bury us or to snuff us out – and the best way to do that is by using everyone we love…we are all pawns in his nasty game.
The first step to freedom is always recognizing the lies we believed. The truth always brings light to darkness. The truth is: You are a Princess/Prince – the Daughter/Son of a King, You are wholly loved, You are wholly accepted, You are beautiful, You are adored, You bedazzle your Daddy, You have captured His heart, He delights in you, He created you for your very own unique purpose, He will never leave you or forsake you, He loves you as far as the East is from the West and then some, He is the lover of your soul and He carries your heart, He catches your tears and washes your heart with them, He dances with you, He carries you when you are faint or weary, He holds your hands every day and walks with you, He is your best friend, He is your greatest Love, He is your Truth, He is your Delight, He is your Honor, He is your Defender, He goes before you, He walks beside you, and He walks behind you. He is the Vine, and you are His Branch. His sweet and gentle spirit dance all around you making your heart sing and soar! Bask in His truth today and always! Wrap yourself in His love – His love is yours!
As I close this post I pray that you would be able to recognize God’s knock however it may come – whether through a song, a current event, a book, the Word, a movie or anything else in this world. We are meant to have abundant life and joy. We are meant to walk in freedom with purpose. I pray that your heart would be open to His healing always!