This post has been on my heart for quite some time, but I have been avoiding it…not entirely sure why – guess I just haven’t felt like going there emotionally.
When I look in the mirror – this is what I see:
– an aging woman
– a woman with entirely too much fat around the middle (big gut)
– a woman with too much cellulite
– a woman with fat arms
– a woman with a fat face
– a huge nose
– a woman that looks tired and worn out
All of that is a little hard to take because the first time I ever felt acceptance was because of my looks. I just don’t know how to reconcile everything in my head.
What I value the most about myself is my heart and my character – not my looks – it has never been my looks that mattered to me. Honestly, I think it would have been easier to never have been accepted because of my looks – could have saved me a lot of heartache, and maybe I wouldn’t have these struggles that I have today.
I get annoyed when I see size 2, 4 and 6 women talk about being fat and being on a diet. I get annoyed because I REALLY need to be on a diet – I should have the right to say that – not them. Funny thing is – when I was their size, I said it too. I hate that society does that to us as women…I believe we should be healthy, but I just wish so much emphasis wasn’t placed on being a stick figure. What happened to values and morals and things of substance? Where are those things?
I complain, yet I can’t remove myself from the stigma – and I hate that!
Here’s what I know about all of my extra fat – it has been my crutch for the past 9 years. I ate due to anxiety – I ate due to depression – I ate because I didn’t know what to do with my dashed hopes and dreams. My fat represents my babies in heaven – the ones that I will never see on this earth. My fat represents all of the death I’ve seen in my life. My fat represents the times I have felt so lost on this earth – so aimless – so without purpose. My fat represents my heartaches – and God knows there have been so many that I can’t keep up with them…honestly, I shouldn’t keep up with them. I’ve given them to God – and His they shall remain. I shouldn’t hate the fat or hate what my body has become – I should look at it and be happy that I came through all of these years so in tact with a Savior who loves and adores every single millimeter of me. My body doesn’t represent who or what I am…I wish when I looked in the mirror I would see character, faith, hope and perseverance – that is what my body represents…trials, hurt, pain, dark times. It also represents the sweetest moments of my life – the moments that I was cradled in Love while I laid in a ball on the floor crying my eyes out – comforted beyond belief. I have walked through so much in this body. This body represents my story – and my story is so beautiful. I wouldn’t trade my story, my journey, for anything. I wouldn’t trade my heart or my mercy for anything. I wouldn’t trade my love for God for anything! That love is the single greatest gift I have ever received…my love for Him and His love for me – I can’t even describe the depths of it – I can’t describe the passion and the compassion – I can’t describe the tenderness – I can’t describe the grace, the beauty, the elegance – I can’t describe the dance, the glances, the rhythm.
It is my prayer that when I look in the mirror all I will see is God’s love for me…I pray that I will see myself through the lens of God.
I do need to lose some weight for health reasons, but I truly want to lay down any other reasons…it has been like yen/yang in my mind….trying to go back to being the person I was (the girl accepted because she was so pretty) except I hated being that girl – so why in the world do I long for it so much? It’s such an internal battle. Truthfully, I love who I am now. I love being 44 – I embrace my journey – I embrace the things God has shown me. I walk in full confidence as who God created me to be on the inside…I just haven’t been able to get the outside to match up.
It is my hope and prayer that I will lay this down as I publish this post…that I will quit trying to shed something that is part of me…that I will move forward loving myself as God loves me…that I will move forward in beauty, grace and elegance.
I know that this is my body – my earth suit. It carries me – a Spirit being that has a soul. My body doesn’t define me; my Spirit does – my soul does. I will walk forward in all 3 parts – leaving no parts behind until God calls me home. I’m going to love and appreciate all 3 parts…I think the healthiest perspective moving forward is agreeing to show my body some love (nourish it correctly with healthy things)…feels much better to think of it that way than to keep rejecting it and trying to get rid of it. So onward I go…