I sit here on New Year’s Eve definitely ready to wrap up 2014. It hasn’t been the worst year of my life, but it hasn’t been the best (not even sure what the best would be – maybe it will be 2015). My heart feels heavy and consumed with certain things. I feel a strong sense that I need to let those things go – leave them with 2014 and not look back on them as I start 2015. 2014 has been a year of survival for me…holding my breath trying to get through hoping the hammer wouldn’t fall. I became so accustomed to things going wrong in 2013 that it set the tone for 2014. No hammer fell on me – yet it was still a hard year…I waded through a lot of things – things that felt like thick sludge – was a long, slow journey – as I hashed things out emotionally and physically.
The things I need to leave behind with 2014 (and I wholeheartedly give these things to God – His to gently lay down and blow away like old dust):
1. Bitterness and hurt towards people that have deeply wounded me. I pray blessings for these people and truly pray that God will make my heart light and happy for them as they receive blessings. I pray that I may see everyone through the lens of God – not through the lens of my hurt.
2. Negative outlook about myself – for the first time in years I feel a strong resolve to be healthy physically by eating right and exercising…however, I don’t want to feel good about myself because I think I look better. I want to feel good about myself because the weight loss means leaving things in my past along with the fat – leaving my past in my past – the hurt, the anxiety, the fear, the loss, the longing.
3. Fear of death or things to come (mainly death of others I love)…but I do always look behind my back waiting for someone to murder me or attack me – so very strange. I need to give that fear to God and leave it behind. I pray I would see the people that I suspect of hurting me through the lens of God as well…I pray that as I look at them, they would receive the love of God through my gaze – that it would make them feel warm and loved.
4. I leave behind the need to take care of everyone making sure everyone is safe and doesn’t feel lonely. All I can do is pray for those people and leave it up to God.
5. Negativity about my circumstances. I hope to live and understand that God is in all of my circumstances even when I don’t feel Him. It is my true desire to wake up every day and feel joy and happiness as I look expectantly towards my day – towards my dance with my Love. Every day there will be a new and special encounter…new because it’s a new day…special because every encounter is. I pray that my life will be a dance – melodic and filled with love and deep emotion, a quiet passion, a softness, and grace always.
I shed the things of my past…they no longer need to hurt me. All of those things are nailed to the cross. Tonight I cut the cords of the things that have weighted me down – like balloons being held down by sand…the sand is gone…now I will float through this world with pure freedom, happiness – giggling my way through this life with joy that I never imagined possible. What a beautiful journey I have ahead…no idea what waits for me in this life on earth, but I do know I’m not ever alone. The lover of my heart, soul and spirit will be dancing with me, leading me into forever, giggling with me.
I’m ready for 2015 – although I’m ready for new things, I don’t want to delete the old things – those things have brought me wisdom – they have built me up and torn me down – 2015 is more a year to take off and fly…to use the foundation of everything God has instilled in me for all of my life really, but even more so for the past 11 years.
I shall label 2015 my greatest dance – here’s to the music of my heart flowing effortlessly completely intertwined with my greatest Love.