Warning – this post will probably end up being quite melancholy.
Even though the first official day of spring hasn’t arrived yet, it is definitely spring. The temps in Atlanta have been nearing 80 degrees for the past couple of days. Pollen coats everything around.
Spring is my absolute favorite season, but each year as it starts, I feel a deep sadness. I always think that sadness will eventually subside and not rear its ugly head EVERY year, but it never does. It shows up like clockwork when the temps get warm.
There is nothing like feeling a warm breeze caress your face in the early morning of spring. Spring is supposed to be the beginning of life…April showers bring May flowers. Spring symbolizes hope. Do you know how weird it is to feel a deep ache in your heart at the same time that you feel so filled with hope? Do you know how weird it is to enter a season of all things blooming and to bask in the glory of that while at the same time feeling so much death and stillness? It’s something I have struggled with since 1979. The struggle has changed much since then…not sure that I always felt hope…that began more recently like in the past 8 years or so. I used to only feel death (even though I always loved spring).
God has shown me so many things over the years, and He has healed so much in my heart. I’m at peace with my daddy’s death now – I still miss him, and I can’t wait to see him again, but I’m at peace. Honestly, I’m at peace with everything in my life – all things – good, bad and just okay things.
It’s so odd when I feel that first taste of warmth…when I look up and feel the heat saturate my face when there is just a slight bit of coolness in the air…and then that old familiar feeling in the pit of my stomach happens…followed by the old familiar feeling deep in my heart. That feeling is death. Death of my greatest loves…my daddy, Samson and my children in heaven. I have a place in my heart where I carry all of them, and usually they are tucked so neatly away in a safe, safe place…but when spring comes, that place in my heart flings wide open, and I remember how much I miss all of them. After spring has settled in, the deep sadness subsides, and my ache for those I’ve lost is tucked away again. It’s not just an ache for those I’ve lost, but it’s an ache for hopes and dreams that were shattered and will never be on this side of eternity.
This time of year always makes me reflect and ponder things. Today I was driving with the windows down enjoying the sweet breeze, and I was remembering my time in school. I can’t help but miss sometimes the sweet innocence of those days…the hope of life that lies ahead…the excitement of seeing your dreams come true…the feeling of belonging to a group of people known as your classmates and together thinking you are all invincible. There is such a bond that is formed among your classmates even if you don’t stay in touch over the years…or maybe that’s just a country high school thing :). I think about the folks I went to school with, and all I remember is the fun and simple times with them. They were a special group of people. They represented my youth. They represented my hope. They represented my dreams. Those days hold such sweet memories for me…(even though I wouldn’t want to repeat them for the world). You tend to take those moments for granted when you are in them. Life goes by so fast.
Sometimes it’s hard to catch my breath…sometimes I just need to sit still and soak in everything…memorize moments that I might need to recall later in life. Sometimes the sting of death takes over and makes me fear the future…even though in my heart of hearts I know that God will see me through anything.
I dedicate this post to those I love…those that I carry in my heart always. My sadness only means I loved you THAT much! Until we meet again…