Unashamed

I’ve been reading Unashamed by Christine Caine.  I’m only on Chapter 5…usually I fly through books, but this is one to take slowly, to absorb all that God is showing you.  Funny, I bought the book because I knew it would be good, but foolishly I thought there wasn’t possibly any other major thing that God could heal in me.  I was so wrong, and I’m so thankful that I was.

I’ve had intimacy issues throughout my marriage…the one place I should never feel  shame.  My husband has always been so patient, understanding and so loving.  There have been times in my past where the thought of being intimate with him crippled me with fear – it wasn’t all the time – it was very sporadic.  Every time I feel this fear, God is about to heal something in me.  God showed me early in our marriage that I had been molested when I was a little girl – I had repressed it.  That was definitely part of the problem, but it wasn’t all of it.  He long ago healed me from that.  There have been some other things I have walked through that left me very broken hearted.  God has been healing these things one at a time.  As I was reading Unashamed, my Spirit felt heavy, and I felt that same familiar feeling – God was tugging at me showing me that I had a wound that was still buried.  He showed me on the spot exactly where it came from – it came from an unhealthy relationship in my past.  I thought I had been healed from that…I had shared all of these things long ago with my husband intentionally because I know that truth brings light to darkness.  I didn’t realize that I still carried the shame from it.  What I discovered yesterday is that it was not even my shame to carry – it was shame that I attached to myself and wore as my own.  I had been exposed to some sexual perversion as a child from someone very influential in my life…I wasn’t part of these acts – I just saw them by mistake (mainly because things were left out where they shouldn’t have been).  These things made me feel dirty, and they gave me a completely different feeling about this person.  I thought this person was dirty.  I realized that this particular relationship that God was showing me from my past, though not perverse at all, made me identify with this person, and I put the filth on myself.  I was dirty from then until yesterday.  Yesterday God showed me a picture of myself from high school…I was such a pure, good girl.  God showed me that is who I am – I have always been that sweet, innocent girl.  That’s my heart – regardless of any relationship I have been in – my heart has always been pure.

I’m so excited about what God is doing in all of His daughters’ lives!  Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is Freedom!  I pray that God would use this book to heal something in every single person that reads it!

 

Everything Under The Sun

We recently  moved, and as I was packing up our old house, I found a notebook in which I had written this post in 2008.  It was the only thing in the entire notebook.  I’ve certainly grown a lot since I wrote this, but it amazes me knowing where I was at in my life at that point that these words flowed.  This post intrigued me so I wanted to share it here.  There is so much wisdom here – so much truth!  Still a timely piece.

Everything Under The Sun – Memories have faded ~ and with them so have pieces of your heart.

Rainy days, lullabies, memories of days gone by. A smile, a hello ~ where has all of the time gone?  So much has changed.  The face that stares back at you still resembles pictures of your youth ~ where did all of those grey strands come from?  When did those creases appear?  You don’t recall them being there yesterday.  Your heart feels sad, but you don’t understand why.  You choose not to relive the days of old ~ some of them were just too painful.  Then again ~ to be able to visit those moments that you wish you could have frozen in time ~ to see their faces again ~ to be in their arms ~ to open those areas of your heart that you closed off ~ what would that be like?

You reminisce of favorite moments ~ there are so many moments that defined you ~ but how many moments did you define?  There are moments that took your breath away ~ there are moments that warmed your heart.  You wonder how many moments you impacted for others.  How many lives and hearts have you touched without even being aware?  Sometimes you  just sit and wonder what your purpose is in life ~ sometimes you think you may know, and other times you just keep moving forward without a clue.  There are things that you do know for certain.  Perhaps this is where most of your time should be spent in reflection.  You know that your heart has never changed.  It has been wounded, scarred and closed off throughout your life.  But do you remember your youth?  Do you remember the tenderness and the love you felt?  It is still there ~ You strive for that feeling everyday of your life.  You long for what you know is true.  All of the bad layers can be peeled away ~ closed areas can be opened again.  Your heart is beautiful.  It was created with such a deep love.  It was created and admired as being good and perfect.  Even if you hide your heart, there are those that still see its beauty.  Find peace in that.  Find peace in the things that don’t ever change.

Have you ever had a moment when everything was still and silent and you felt consumed with peace?  That feeling can always be felt if you just close your eyes and relive that moment.

Sometimes life is so hard.  You have so many dreams and desires ~ you have faith that you will see them fulfilled.  Dreams give you hope to keep going and keep reaching.  But how do you enjoy where you are and count the present time as a blessing?  You have to give your dreams and desires to the one that gave them to you in the first place.  You have to fix your eyes and your heart on your first True Love.  You have to give Him all of your burdens, all of your worries, all of your pain.  You simply have to love Him with pure abandon ~ worship Him with the heart He gave you.  Follow Him and know that He won’t lead you astray.  Define your moments with your truth and convictions.  Stand firm and walk in truth and light.  Define your moments – don’t let them define you!  Only your True Love defines you – and that was done before the beginning of time.  Reflect on what is good and pure and true ~ search for THAT in your heart!  It has always been and always will be!  Yesterday – today and tomorrow!

 

War Room

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Chuck and I went to see War Room yesterday afternoon.  To say it did not disappoint is an understatement…it awakened my heart…it renewed my love affair with Jesus.  It reminded me of the power of passionate and deeply heart-felt prayer.

I couldn’t wait to see this movie when I saw the previews.  Nothing gets my spirit stirred like passion and prayer.  This movie was filled with that.  It’s amazing what being vulnerable with God does in people’s lives.  That is what brings out our true Joy…vulnerability and real relationship with Christ.

A couple of months ago Chuck and I were sitting on the beach basking in the serenity and beauty of God’s work, and I explained to him what I wanted for our family…what I wanted for our marriage…what I wanted for our lives.  I guess that may sound strange as we have been married for 10 years, but this life is a journey and a process, and through the process of this journey, I realized what my true heart’s desire really is.  It was a hard thing to explain, but after seeing this movie Chuck understood with his heart everything that I told him that night on the beach.  My true heart’s desire is to commune with Jesus…to revel in the romance of Him…to dance in the adoration of Him…to feel His gaze deep within my soul…to live my life with Him in every moment.  I want our home and our decisions to be led by Him.  I want to experience intimacy with Him with my husband.  I want the three of us to be so intertwined…like perichoresis – a fellowship of three co-equal beings perfectly embraced in love and harmony and expressing an intimacy that no one can humanly comprehend.  If He is for us, who can be against us?  As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.  These are my heart’s desires.  If I have this, I have everything!

This movie encouraged us to start our own war room…something we started at the beginning of our marriage and somehow put down as life got in the way.  I can’t wait to start the next chapter with my husband…I absolutely can’t wait.  My heart is overflowing – my cup runneth over.  I love the simplicity of my heart’s greatest desire.  I love that I have had it all along…I just needed to lay some other things down that were getting in the way.

I wish I could relay through this post all of the sweet things God is doing in our lives.  I find myself excited with the faith and happiness of a child.  I find that I can’t stop smiling with my face or my heart.  This journey is so beautiful.  This dance is so soft and tender.  My prayer is that everyone would find this Romance and know this Love!