I’ve chosen to leave these older posts here, not because I still live in those places, but because they tell the story of where God met me in some of the darkest and most painful seasons of my healing journey. These words were written from places of deep brokenness, grief, confusion, and longing—and while I no longer identify with the woman who wrote them, I honor her because she kept reaching for Jesus anyway.
Today, God has brought me onto far more beautiful ground. He has filled my heart with peace where there was chaos, joy where there was sorrow, and love where there were once wounds. I can finally see the beauty of restoration and the faithfulness of a Savior who never let go of me.
I’m preserving these posts in the hope that someone else may find comfort in them—that maybe, in some small way, they remind you that healing is possible, that God is near in the pain, and that your story is not over.
As I move forward, my heart is no longer simply to share the places I’ve survived, but to help guide others toward healing, freedom, wholeness, and the abundant life found in Christ. My future posts will reflect that journey—one marked not by dwelling in the valley, but by walking with Jesus into healing and hope.
In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. John 1:1
I find myself in unfamiliar territory. So many things have changed drastically in the last few years…my pattern is to survive…get through everything that happens – just get to the other side and then try to process things. The problem is that I don’t think I’ve processed a single thing. I just keep going. Life just keeps moving – it always has, and it always will.
We recently said goodbye to our beloved fur babies, Baxter & Eddie. We had them for almost 14 years and they gave me a place to park my heart. After learning that I couldn’t have children, it was a difficult time for me. However, after about five years, I found solace in my faith and am now grateful for the beloved children I have in heaven, whom I will be reunited with for eternity, thanks to the Lord’s grace and healing. I had people tell me over the years that Baxter & Eddie are just “dogs”. To me they filled a void. I loved them with my whole mama’s heart! Those babies were pampered and cherished beyond belief. They became our family. To me they were never “just dogs”.
We lost Eddie in July of 2023, and we just lost Baxter this month. I struggled through Eddie’s death but had Baxter to focus on (and a job). Baxter was blind and mostly deaf and had a lot of health problems. He required a lot of attention and help. I resigned from corporate America in October of 2023. It wasn’t something I had planned on doing or even wanted to do. Things weren’t good at work. I had knots in my stomach every day for 3 months prior to resigning. This is usually God telling me to get out, but I just didn’t receive it at the time. Finally, things came to a head through very unpleasant and hurtful circumstances, and I knew without a doubt that God was telling me it was time to leave, so I did. I spent the next 4 months planning my life around Baxter’s schedule and needs. It has been 18 days since we said goodbye to him. I have no new normal yet. The house is so quiet, and I really don’t know what to do with myself. My heart is so broken.
What I’m realizing is that I spent most of my life surviving (as I mentioned in the first paragraph). I’ve lost lots of animals in my life. All of them were very beloved to me. This hit differently. It brought up some old wounds of not having children and no longer having these babies to love. All the changes in my life are bringing up different wounds. I’ve survived a bunch of years after my father’s death in 1979. Life kept going, and I kept going with it. I made lots of bad choices along the way (and some very good ones too – like accepting Jesus and marrying my wonderful husband). I also picked a career that I thought would please others. It didn’t please me at all. I was so unfulfilled for so many years. In my heart of hearts, I always just wanted to get married and be a mom. I took on all kinds of false identities, and we can never be happy unless we are living the life God intends for us…and by happy, I mean deep down in the depths of our hearts…not just the surfacy day to day living. Of course my life hasn’t been all sadness, but deep in my heart I’ve had lots of struggles. I remember myself before losing my dad. I was so different than who I became (out of surviving).
I’m realizing that I’m mourning so much more than the loss of my sweet fur babies right now. I’m mourning the loss of myself. I repressed a large period of time after my dad died…months in fact that I have no memories from whatsoever. I wonder if the way I’m feeling now (so grieved and heartbroken) is familiar to me because it is what I felt then. Right now I’m entrenched in so much stillness and quiet…I’m taking the time to grieve and spend time with God, and I’m fortunate that I have this time to do that. I know that “the latter is better than the former”. I know that God is redeeming so many things in my life. I’m happy that I get to begin again. I have walked a long journey, and God has refined me. I get to move forward taking the pure gold that remains from the fire while nailing the rest of the things that don’t belong to the cross. It is foreign to me to discover myself and what truly makes me happy as an adult. It was easy as a child…spending my days playing all kinds of games in the yard and roller skating. This sounds like a mid-life crisis as I type it, but it has been a life long crisis. I’m not sure where God is taking me, but I know it will be an adventure. I know He will heal my heart as He breathes His beautiful life breath into it. I hope the period of mourning won’t last much longer because it hurts. I find myself crying a little each day, but I know that He is faithful to catch my tears.
Stay tuned for the fun and adventure of what is ahead. I’m excited for all that God has for me. Joy does indeed come in the morning.
I sit here – having had knots in the pit of my stomach for the past two days…trying to determine if I’m upset about particular circumstances that have been wreaking havoc in my life (more so in my thoughts as they directly affect someone else’s life more than mine) or if these said circumstances are really hitting some kind of deeply rooted pain that I just don’t want to let bubble up from my gut to my reality. I know it is the latter of these two. It’s hard to face said root because it takes me to unfamiliar territory. This breeds both fear and excitement; fear because what in the world have I been doing for 52, almost 53, years…I’ve been living in a foreign bubble believing truths I needed to believe to think I was whole. It breeds excitement because I have a whole new world out there – one full of excitement and adventure – all of the things my heart has desperately been craving for so long.
Let’s get back to the fear…it has me questioning so many things…do I know how to love…I thought I did, but what if I’m like the others I thought loved me? Do I do that to others – tell them I love them and think I sincerely mean it but make them feel unloved? I hope with everything I am that I don’t. I know I don’t receive love particularly well. I pray for God to open my heart so I can live in abundant abandon with so much laughter, zeal, and energy. I pray that I not only live these things but also spread this love, zeal, and excitement. I want to love with reckless abandon and feel love with all of my heart – unguarded…just raw…knowing God will intersect and destroy all the evil arrows. These are my sincere prayers.
So I’m letting go…saying goodbye to the old hurts and false beliefs and jumping head first into a breathtakingly beautiful future that has already been paved by the greatest Love of all!
ON FEBRUARY 26, 2023 BY KELLEYDGARDNERIN FAITH, FREEDOM, HEALING, HEALING JOURNEY ARCHIVE, HOPE, JESUS, LOVE, TRUTH, WOUNDS
I keep getting glimpses of this girl…she looks so familiar yet so foreign all at the same time. This girl is a much younger version of me…she is me…or rather a shell of me. I recognize her, and I remember the instances and the pain and for a very brief second, I feel the shame. The shame only lasts a second now because I know that Jesus shamed shame on the cross. This girl I see isn’t me…she is a very lost and confused version of me. I ran for so many years…running away from pain and hurts all while creating more pain and hurts. I hate that I wasted so much of my life. I wonder how it would have turned out if I had only known the Truth. I know that God uses all harm together for good for those that are called according to His purpose, so those years truly were not a waste. They taught me empathy for others. They taught me not to judge. They taught me that we are all victims of something. Ultimately, they taught me my worth. They taught me not to settle for less than my worth. They taught me that I am the daughter of God…I am cherished, adored and loved.
I am very comfortable in my skin today, and I love who God made me to be. I love living in the truth of who I am. There is such a peace and freedom that marks your life when you realize that God is perfect, and He made you perfectly. It doesn’t matter what anyone else says or thinks. Who are they to question God’s masterpiece?
I won’t forget about this girl I see glimpses of – I’ll always recall her when I see others struggling and walking down the same path. May God always give me eyes to see and a heart to nudge other women with the truth so they will also know that they are a perfect masterpiece – loved, cherished and adored!!
Genesis 23: 1-6
When Sarah was 127 years old, she died at Kiriath-arba (now called Hebron) in the land of Canaan. There Abraham mourned and wept for her. Then leaving her body, he said to the Hittite elders, “Here I am, a stranger and a foreigner among you. Please sell me a piece of land so I can give my wife a proper burial.” The Hittites replied to Abraham, “Listen, my lord, you are an honored prince among us. Choose the finest of our tombs and bury her there. No one here will refuse to help you in this way.“
When I read this passage, I can feel the love others have for Abraham, a foreigner among the people. What an aspiration – to show the loving-kindness of God, the very character of God to strangers in such a way that they honor and revere you. Abraham shows so much character, honor, love, dignity. That is most noble of all legacies to leave. It makes my heart overflow knowing one day I will get to meet this prince among foreigners – the one with God’s favor – the one from whom all people come from – as his descendants are as numerous as the stars.
Genesis 23: 12-14
“O Lord, God of my master, Abraham,” he prayed, “Please give me success today, and show unfailing love to my master, Abraham. See, I am standing here beside this spring, and the young women of the town are coming out to draw water. This is my request. I will ask one of them, ‘Please give me a drink from your jug.’ If she says, ‘Yes, I have a drink, and I will water your camels, too!’ – let her be the one you have selected as Isaac’s wife. This is how I will know that you have shown unfailing love to my master.”
Even Abraham’s servant loved and cherished him – so much so that it was of great weight on his heart to successfully carry out Abraham’s wish for him to find the right wife for Abraham’s son, Isaac. Be still my heart! I hope I can live my life with a shred of this man’s character and honor. That would be my hope for a legacy – to leave a mark like that on peoples’ hearts – to show them their love and worth through the heart and eyes of our beautiful Lord and Savior – our Sweet Jesus!!
You possess a beauty like none other ~ not just a physical beauty, but an internal beauty that radiates the most powerful rays of light – rays that are so penetrating – you can’t receive the warmth of that and ever be the same! Those rays light up my heart and leak water from my eyes. You make my heart so full that it’s overwhelming – like my heart could burst at any moment and just explode bits of love all into the atmosphere. I feel your joy at this – your beautiful face as you laugh with delight! You are my heart, and I adore you always!!
I think it’s a safe assumption to say that life has been a bit hard for all over the past couple of years. We have experienced brand new upheaval as a country, as families and as individuals. Havoc has certainly been wreaked on all of our hearts in some form or another. I say this with breath that is bated, but it certainly feels like we are all coming up for air now…not just any air…but fresh, exhilarating air. It’s like this new freshness is reuniting our hearts as a country and as families. The media would have us believe otherwise, but in my heart I know we all want the core fundamental things in life – important things like love and unity, laughter and joy, health and wholeness. We really just want others to walk with us, understand us and empathize with where we are on our individual walks with loving kindness – even if we have a difference of opinions. These opinions and thoughts we all have are a gift from God. We are all uniquely wired and uniquely shaped based on our life experiences, but ultimately, we are commanded to love each other…certainly harder sometimes (and for some folks more than others).This week in the midst of the chaos of my life – chaos meaning the hustle and bustle of everyday living and all that is thrown at me professionally and personally, I had one of those profound moments in the busyness of my day – actually while I was driving…where I felt completely still for a moment, and all I could see surrounding me (like I was the center of the sun and around me was nothing but warmth and love). Jesus popped into my car, into my head and most importantly, into my heart. In that circle surrounding me, I felt so much warmth, so much peace and so much love. It was amazing and was the perfect touch from this Great Love of mine! He jumped in and filled up everything Satan has been depleting in my heart.
I’m so thankful for Jesus – not because He promises me things through His word – but mainly because He is my promise. He is constant. His love is constant…like a circular motion surrounding my chaos always. I love that Jesus gives us the desires of our hearts, but truthfully, Jesus is the desire of my heart! With Him I have EVERYTHING!
Tonight is my birthday eve – I will be the big 50 tomorrow, and I have no idea how 50 got here so quickly! I’m sure most of my high school classmates can agree with me that turning 50 in 2020 is…well let’s just say we have all agreed on a do-over in 2021 :). Rather than reflecting on the what-ifs tonight (mainly because I’ve done that for the last year already and it leads to nowhere good), I’ve decided to come up with my 50 best memories. I’m going to try to go in chronological order, but I may have to backtrack a time or two.
What are your earliest memories – it seems that everyone’s started at different ages, and it’s always funny to find out what people remember from their early childhood. Chuck, my husband, remembers lots of things from his early childhood…it always shocks his parents when he recalls things.
My earliest memories come from the house in Woodbridge, VA…we lived there until I was 3 or 4.
1. The house had a huge laundry room in the basement (well huge to a small child). Greg, my brother, and I used to love to play in there, especially in the little nook behind the washer and dryer. There seemed to always be toys in there from what I recall.
2. I had my own bedroom upstairs in this house, and I had the most awesome kitchenette. It was brown – I had a sink and refrigerator and stove.
3. I remember when Aunt Glenys and Uncle EJ came to visit – mainly I just remember being on the swing-set in the backyard with my cousin Dean. His favorite thing to say was Good Lord :). He was always so happy and so much fun – he still is to this day.
4. This is an odd memory to me, but a memory nonetheless. I remember being in the backyard with my brothers playing. They had a basketball goal in the backyard. They had worn out the grass from playing so much, so their court was all dirt. I remember being freaked out because if they kept wearing away the dirt, the devil would pop up….after all, he lived down below. I have no idea how I would come up with that at such a young age.
That’s the gist of what I remember from that house and that time period. We moved to Las Vegas, NV after we sold that house. We lived there until I was 6 (actually had my 7th and favorite birthday to date in the car on the move to LaGrange, NC).
I said this was going to be 50 of my best memories, but I may have to include some that weren’t necessarily my favorites but still left an imprint on my brain.
5. I went to Kindergarten and 1st grade in Las Vegas. I didn’t particularly love school. I was painfully shy. I became friends with a little girl named Carrie in school. We used to walk to each other’s houses. We lived on a military base (in the 70s) – completely safe back then or at least we all thought so.
6. One of my very best friends was named Sheila Evans. We had the best time playing, and she lived right down the street. Sheila’s dad took us ice skating one time (my first time ever). I absolutely loved it!
7. My dad took me outside one night after my bedtime, just the two of us, and we sat on the curb in front of our house and watched fireworks. My daddy was the best! (He’s also the one that gave me permission to go ice skating – see #6).
8. After my dad would come home from work, he would sit in his recliner and have me come take off his cowboy boots. I would straddle his foot and pull with all my might.
9. This isn’t a pleasant memory, but I remember when Elvis died. I remember laying in bed feeling a little scared – what if that happened to someone I loved.
10. Another not so great memory – I was walking down the street by myself minding my business when a great big German Shepherd crossed the road (his owners were in the front yard with him). The dog bit me 4 places on my back. I went screaming home – I’m sure with the owner’s behind me….I don’t remember that part. I just remember my mom driving me to the hospital. I didn’t need stitches from what I recall…just got bandaged and a shot (probably tetanus). I also got a cookie :). To this day I’m scared of large dogs I don’t know…even though I want to adopt every dog I see.
11. My mom had my haircut into a pixie (as you will see in this next picture). I looked like a boy…and most people told my mom what a cute little boy I was…I’m surprised I ever had my hair short again, but truthfully, that’s how I like it the best.
12. Refer back to pic in #11…Greg and I LOVED the ice cream truck. We were both creatures of habit. I always got the snow comb, and I always asked for one with blue in it. I thought that was a special one…little did I know it was just where the colors bled together. Greg always got the orange push up.
13. I can’t remember exactly where this memory took place – it was either VA or NV. Greg (my brother) found a bunch of toys still in their wrappers in my parents’ closet. Naturally, we pulled them all out and began playing with them. We didn’t even think to hide that we found them. We were all excited showing them what we found. My mom’s explanation was that Santa ran out of room on his sleigh so he dropped these off early for them to store. We totally bought it – LOL.
14. We moved to LaGrange NC when I was 7 (as I mentioned, I turned 7 in the car on the move). My dad had retired from the military and was headed back to his roots. My mom was staying in Las Vegas for 6 months to work out her government transfer, so it was just my dad and my 3 brothers (and of course, me). We headed across the country in our green station wagon. On my 7th birthday, my dad bought me a present at every stop (mainly gas stations :)….back then they had good stuff at gas stations. Does anyone remember Stuckey’s? I mainly got little baby dolls. I also got a plastic Big Boy from Big Boys or was it Shoney’s back then…I can’t remember that part. Anyway – it was the best birthday ever. There is nothing like being doted on by your daddy. Every little girl should be lucky enough to experience this.
15. This is one of the memories I am backtracking on…this is another Las Vegas memory. My dad had taken Greg and me to pick up my brothers (or one of them) from school. It seems like they had basketball practice or something…anyway, my dad left Greg and me in the car while he went in. All I remember is being scared that Big Foot was going to come out and get us. Weird how I remember that, and weird that I was afraid Big Foot would kidnap us :).
16. We are back to LaGrange now. My aunt and uncle owned a fabric shop and grocery store in downtown LaGrange. We lived with them when we first moved there. My aunt made all of my clothes for school. She was so sweet. She let me pick out the fabrics and always made me a matching set (pants and shirt).
17. We lived in a house out in the country – down a dirt road. I have so many great memories from this house…I had to ride the school bus, and I HATED it. It seemed like I was the first one picked up and the last to get home. I remember the first time I got on the bus in the morning to go to school looking back at our front door and seeing my dad standing there behind the screen door making sure I made it on safely. He watched the bus until we pulled away, and I watched him until we pulled away. This memory is etched in my mind, and I’m so thankful for it!
18. So those bus rides that I hated…I decided to take matters into my own hands one day. I was in 2nd grade (just to give you a little insight into my crazy mindset – maybe stubborn is a better word or determined????)…anyway, I decided that I knew I could find my way to my aunt’s store downtown which was very close to my school, so I would just walk there and have my cousin Mike (whom I adored) just take me home. I made it to the store just fine, but Mike was working and couldn’t take me home, so he called my dad to come get me. Rutroh…actually, I really didn’t get into big trouble like I should have. I think secretly my dad thought it was funny, however, I knew to NEVER EVER do it again.
19. Same country house…it had the biggest, longest hallway ever (at least it seemed that way to a 7 year old). I used to roller skate down that hallway all the time. I have no idea when I found my love for skating (maybe at the ice rink in Las Vegas), but I still love it.
20. Same country house….one night all of us kids were in my oldest brother’s room (Glen) sitting on his bed just chit chatting away, and I saw a mouse go into my other brother’s room (Barry). I told Barry that I saw a mouse go into his room, but he didn’t believe me (supposedly). When he went to bed that night, he took a machete, a vacuum cleaner, and whatever other tools he could find to use as a weapon. This is when I learned to be afraid of mice!!!!
21. After my mom arrived from Las Vegas, we (well my parents) bought a house in town and we moved. We instantly became friends with all of our neighbors (mostly boys). Greg and I spent many days and nights playing Spotlight, Dukes of Hazard (the neighbor’s house was the Boars Nest), catching lightning bugs, riding our bikes through corn fields and so many other wonderful things.
22. Backtracking again…still in LaGrange, but before my mom had moved there. One of my friends was having a birthday party. Her name was Regina Johnson. She must have given me an invitation with her address on it because we definitely found her house (Glen – my oldest brother – drove me there). My dad had Glen take me to my aunt’s store to get Regina a present. My aunt gave me a pretty glass jar filled with hard candy to take to her. We drove up to Regina’s house and some man came out (her dad), and we told him that we were there for the party. He told us the party had been canceled. Regina came out and I gave her the present. She was so happy that I came. To this day she is my dearest friend :).
23. The house we lived at in town had a great big front porch on it with a swing. The porch was made of concrete. I used to take a radio out there and plug it in and turn it to the classical music station. I would figure skate all over the porch…I even had my moves down to get around the swing. It seems as though I had parties for one a lot…not pity parties…real parties. I definitely entertained myself well!!
24. Our neighbors owned a service station in town. I used to love going down there with them. They would always give us a bottle of cold Mountain Dew out of the boxed refrigerator. I loved growing up in a small town.
25. When we first moved to LaGrange, my dad and my aunt (his sister) took Greg and me to the ocean. This was my first time seeing the ocean, and I was enamored. I still am to this day…any ocean anywhere is my favorite place.
26. When we first moved to NC my dad took us to visit all of the relatives…aunts, uncles, grandparents (his dad as his mom died when we lived in NV). I loved seeing my Auntie (my mom’s only sister). He also took us to visit his Aunt Bernice. I didn’t remember her – I only remembered seeing pictures of her. I was so confused when my dad told me that was Aunt Bernice. I told him it wasn’t her…I found the picture that I recognized on their mantle and said THAT was Aunt Bernice (a much younger Aunt Bernice). I remember my dad thinking that was funny…I’m not sure how he convinced me that it really was Aunt Bernice, but somehow he did.
27. My dad managed a hotel at Topsail Beach in NC for a brief period. I practically lived there that summer (I think it was only one but it may have been two). We had nice living quarters there. I used to go sit in the living room at night and play Barry Manilow loudly and sing from the top of my lungs. I’m sure no one appreciated that, but no one made me shut up. I still love Barry Manilow, and I love that I can remember my love of music from such an early age.
28. That leads me to this memory (backtracking to Vegas). My very first concert was at some Coliseum. We saw Chicago. How is that for an awesome first concert???? I still remember that we all dressed up. I had on my orange Easter dress. I was just dancing in my seat. That was the most exciting thing ever!
29. At the end of 3rd grade at Easter, my dad died of a massive heart attack. I have a string of memories that aren’t particularly good which I’m not going to mention here. His death sent me into a shell…one that took me years to come out of. I am so thankful for him, and I’m so thankful that God used him to show me just what Godly love really is. My dad loved me like no other.
30. My mom used to take Greg and me on random road trips…mostly to SC to visit her family. These trips were never planned. She would just tell us to hop in the car and off we would go…usually getting back the same day very late at night. I loved these trips….I adored getting to spend time alone with my mom on the road. We would always stop for tiny cokes in the bottle and peanuts. We were on one of these trips (always back country roads) when we heard that Reagan was shot. I’ll never forget my mom’s reaction. It scared me, and I was relieved that he didn’t die.
31. I never cared much for school – I really didn’t do very well in school from what I recall. It was somewhere I had to go and that was about it. When I was in 7th grade I had a teacher who will remain nameless…this teacher chastised me in front of the entire class…basically saying I was stupid. Of course I was humiliated…but more than that, I was mad, and I made a resolution at that moment that I would show her who was stupid. From that point on I made straight As. I also graduated 2nd in my high school class. I had to study hard to get there…but it taught me that with hard work and determination, I could overcome anything and be anything I wanted to be.
32. My mom enrolled me in modeling classes when I was 15. I modeled until I was 19…even went to NY to visit agencies. I loved it, and it definitely got me out of my shell. I’m thankful for those days…I learned how to take care of my skin at a young age and also how to have good posture (most of the time :)).
33. I loved anytime when I could be with all of my brothers at the same time (well in high school probably). Glen (my oldest brother) was 17 when my dad died, so he became a father figure to me. I used to go sit in his lap in the recliner at night when he watched TV. He was always the one I ran to when I was upset. He was another special gift from God to me. I don’t know how I would have survived my childhood without him.
34. My cousin, Kris, introduced me to Duran Duran when I was 14ish. I fell in love with John Taylor. I just knew he would would be my husband one day :). My walls were so plastered with posters of them that you couldn’t figure out what color the paint was.
35. My first real boyfriend looked like John Taylor. He worked at the toy store in the mall (K&B I believe). My mom would drop me off at the mall after modeling class, and I would go to the toy store and buy something (“for my brother”). To my surprise, he asked me out. We dated for a year or something close to that. He was 3 years older than me. I was 15 and he was 18. He was the best first boyfriend. He was always a perfect gentleman. I got my heart broken by him, but I’m so thankful for him and totally see how God had his hand on me in that relationship.
36. At the Academic Banquet my senior year in high school, I was named our class Salutatorian. My mom and Glen were there. I was so excited and so proud that my hard work had paid off.
37. At our awards day just before graduation, I had won so many things…not to brag here…I was as shocked as anyone…it was so nice to be recognized for achieving something.
38. I loved High School…I’m sure I had heart breaking moments as everyone did, but I remember those days as fun. I had the best classmates. I loved going to a country high school and growing up in a small town near the coast. I loved being so full of hope.
39. College…whew…I loved my 4 years at ECU. I think somewhere in those 4 years I lost my naivety. I made great friends that I will always cherish. It’s funny how we think we have it so hard in school….then the real world sets in.
40. I moved to Dallas, TX when I was 25 after going through some trying times (trying to keep it positive here). I moved in with my brother, Barry. I loved moving to Dallas. It was scary and exciting. I was definitely a small town girl, so it was a BIG change. My sweet friend, Michelle, flew out to Dallas with me when I first moved to spend time with me there and help me get settled. I don’t think she knows just how much I appreciated that (and just how much I needed it).
41. This is not going to sound positive, but shortly after I moved to TX I was in a car wreck and broke my neck. The trauma of it was not pleasant, but I learned a lot during that time. My brother was the best, and so was his girlfriend (who is now his wife of many years). They really took care of me while I recovered. Barry would wash my hair for me in the sink (I had a halo brace and couldn’t shower). Karen invited me to her mom’s for Christmas. Her family all bought me Christmas presents (even her grandmother) and acted like I should have been there all along. These are sweet things that touch your heart for a lifetime.
42. Those Texas years were some of the best. I learned to Two Step and Jitterbug, and I learned that even at country bars, they took breaks for disco :). Karen (my SIL) and I got together every week to watch Melrose Place. I would always cook dinner (and always included potatoes of some sort – we both loved them). I met a lot of great people there and will always have fond memories of TX.
43. I regress way back to when my father died for this one….I had nightmares and fear after he died. My mom told me I should sleep with a Bible under my pillow. I walked to the drug store and bought a red Bible. I slept with it under my pillow until I was out of high school. I remember my mom being scared after my dad died…this was the first time I remember hearing about the Lord. She told Greg and me that the Good Lord would take care of us. I got saved when I was 10 at a church camp I had gone to with my childhood friend, Angie. The camp was called The Wilds. I stayed active in youth groups and used to walk to church as a child. I know looking back that God always had his hand on me.
44. After years of battling depression I gave my whole life to Jesus when I was 33. I had been running from Him for a long time because I didn’t deem myself worthy of Him after a bad decision I made in college. I had gone to church with Glen and his wife, Eileen this particular day when I was 33. My depression didn’t go away at once, but hope certainly appeared at once, and slowly I became whole again because of the love of Jesus.
45. I had moved to GA when I was 31. I had no intention of staying…was just passing through on my way to NC…or so I thought. I met Chuck (my husband) at church. After lots of bad relationships, I had prayed for God to arrange my marriage. Along came Chuck, and here we are 15 years later.
46. My wedding day will always be one of my favorite memories. We got married on July 23, 2005. It was an outdoor, morning wedding at Lake Hartwell, SC. There was a 0% chance of rain that day…that never happens. I felt the peace and love of God the entire day. I was so happy! It was the perfect wedding for us, and Chuck has been the perfect gift from God for me.
47. When I was in college, I became friends with one of the most fun people ever. Her name is Kim. We used to sing and dance and reenact Grease. We would go to Cubbies for cheesesteaks every week after Biology Lab. She will always be a forever friend that is dear to my heart. She taught me the unconditional love of a friend.
48. When Chuck and I were engaged, I told him every bad, sinful thing I had ever done. I didn’t want the devil to ever be able to use any of that against me in our relationship. Chuck told me none of that mattered and that he loved me – all of me. He taught me the unconditional love of a husband. The impact he has had on my heart is indescribable.
49. I’m grasping at straws here…but how can I not mention all of the animals I have had and loved? I’m not going to name names, but I have loved them all too much as I say.
50. I’ll end on this note…not with a memory but hope for all of the years God has left for me….a hope that I will leave my heart on everything and everyone that I touch…I say my heart because my heart is filled with the love of Jesus, and He has captured my heart for all of time! That would be the greatest gift of all!
By the time my mind gets to this point it means that I have prayed and prayed and processed and processed and then gotten so busy with life that my head is completely jumbled. This is when I know the enemy has set in. I’m now trying to sort out my brain and heart which is easiest to do for me by writing.
The heart of the matter – or in this case – the head of the matter is that I have no clue what my worth is….yes, in my head I know what my worth is but that counts as nothing if I don’t know it in my heart – my heart comes up empty. My heart keeps my head downtrodden as if in shame, completely rejected. I’ve projected all of my life’s rejections onto God (and there are countless rejections (family, best friends, close relatives, bosses). Basically people have let me hang around to serve them but I never really felt wanted. This may be the truth or it may not be, but this is my perception, so it is my truth. My other truth (because it has been told to me countless times) is that I should always let everyone treat me like crap because after all – they are more important than me. If you hear a little anger and bitterness, yes it is definitely there….but moreso, my heart is just crushed…and I let the same people crush it again and again and again. I desperately need God to show me my worth – I need Him to show me how He sees me. That is the only thing that will heal this rejection I feel – and at this point I think most of it is me rejecting myself because of all of the lies I have believed.
My other great struggle is trusting God to take care of my babies (furry babies Baxter & Eddie). I have this gripping fear that something will happen to them in my absence and they will be alone and afraid. I project this on them because this is how I felt when my dad died – alone and afraid. The fear of this cripples me. This isn’t healthy and it isn’t from God. I know in my heart that they will be ok and that I will be ok too, but my heart is so scarred. I always say I love them too much – the thought of anything happening to them is unbearable…yet it is inevitable. I assure you that I know how irrational this sounds – that is how all deep wounds come across – as irrational There’s a pocket of my heart that is still so wounded and traumatized. There is clearly a feeling from my past that desperately cripples me with fear…I know it is the fear of losing someone I love when my whole heart is invested in them. I’ve repressed so many memories after my father died…He died in April of 1979 – I was in the 3rd grade. I honestly don’t remember much from the funeral all the way to 4th grade starting. I have no recollection at all….it’s like I went off the grid.
My prayer is that God will show me He delights in me…He adores me. My prayer is that God shows me He will take care of my babies in my absence and they nor I will ever feel that crippling fear of loneliness and lifelessness again.
I know that God is doing a great work in my heart and He will heal these things in His timing. I truly hope it is very soon!
This title kind of makes me giggle, yet I’m very serious about the topic…I’m 49 – I will definitely have a long life if I’m mid-life right now (and I hope I do).
I haven’t struggled with any age in the past – I’ve embraced each decade with vigor and an appreciation for my wisdom. For some reason 49 has really bothered me. I wondered if 50 might bother me, and I’ll let you know when I get there…but I never expected to feel this way at 49.
I’m not having a mid-life crisis in the normal sense….or maybe it is only men that buy sports cars…I did color my hair platinum blonde a year+ ago (not my best idea)…maybe that was part of this crisis…
In all seriousness – my crisis is more about feeling like my life hasn’t had meaning and purpose. I know I have a God given purpose, but I surely don’t feel like I’ve been progressing towards that. I’ve truly been so buried in work for the past year and several months that I have totally lost sight of my purpose…mainly meaning I haven’t had the emotional bandwidth to write or pray like I should…I haven’t spent time with Jesus like I should….mainly because that is so emotional for me (the best kind of emotional ever), and I think subconsciously I knew if I stopped and crawled into His arms, that would be all she wrote…I couldn’t lose sight of all of my other obligations, so instead I lost sight of my first Love and myself.
I’m starting to come up for air now as the holidays approach. I have more staff to help me and more on the way, so I hope to end 49 with accomplishments that speak to my heart and point to Jesus! I’m trying to give more things to God rather than continuing to tightly grasp everything and plunge forward like a stick of dynamite is chasing me.
My heart is for ministry, and that is my long term goal and how I want my life to end. Jesus presses on my heart that the “sick need a doctor”. People that are unsaved need to know Jesus…but it doesn’t end there…that is truly the beginning of a different race – the race to know ourselves in Jesus – the race to know who we truly are underneath all of the false identities that life has thrown at us – and that we so easily picked up and carried. I want to be the one to nurture people back to health – spiritual and emotional health. I want people to be free and light and airy – to walk through this life in the glory of who God created them to be – free to fulfill their very own purpose.
I heard somewhere this week that God created each of us with something that is unique to only Him and us – that each of us resemble Him in our own special way. I don’t know if this is true – but what if it is…that would be something!
To end – I heard this scripture Sunday in church, and it brought my heart back to life – the medicine I needed for this mid-life crisis of mine…Job 42:12 “The Lord blessed the latter part of Job’s life more than the former part”. There is hope – there is time – everything has and will happen right on time – in His perfect timing.
ON JUNE 26, 2019 BY KELLEYDGARDNERIN HEALING JOURNEY ARCHIVE, UNCATEGORIZEDLEAVE A COMMENTEDIT
This is a boring title…but it is so full of depth and emotions. I could have called it depleted…same thing – both are how I feel…empty and depleted. This has been a long time coming…but I’ve only now in this moment had the chance to let myself sit still and cry and let these feelings come rushing out. I’ve held them in for so long, I almost don’t know how to let them escape. I’ve been struggling with depression for the past month or maybe more…mainly because I have been giving absolutely everything I have to everyone else…making sure everyone else had their needs met…I have given away all of my time and all of my attention, and I left none for myself…this is a big no-no for an introvert. It has led me to this place…the place of absolute emptiness. I’ve been shielding this emotional breakdown for so long that I don’t even know how to stop and let Jesus come in and take over…such a foreign place for me. I know I’ve intentionally kept him just on the outskirts of my heart because His love always touches me, and I just didn’t have time to break down and fall in His arms. I’m at such a low place, and I know Jesus will pick me up, cradle me, love me and set me on the right path…and I’m ready to let Him. In my own mind I have no idea what that path looks like…there is no path that is appealing to me except for the path that leads to Him. I feel so far gone that I don’t even know what makes me excited – what makes me happy – what fills me with joy. I pray that He will show me…as I re-learn how to take time for myself.
I could go into all of my disappointments in life and how I never thought I would be where I am…but that seems pointless and wasteful. The past is the past. It has taught me much. I long for a future in which my past makes sense…I long for a moment in which I let it all go…my disappointments, my heartbreaks, my what-ifs…maybe now needs to be that moment…where I lay it all at the feet of my greatest Love, Jesus! All of these things are a puddle at His feet…and in the puddle I see a reflection of myself hand in hand with Him. I gaze into His loving eyes and I am full. I am complete. I am everything I need to be.
Seeds – deeply buried in my soul
Walter Archie Carter 1/6/1938-4/12/1979
Seeds of love, seeds of beauty, seeds of wholeness, seeds of your voice, seeds of your adoration, seeds of your delight…you’ve instilled in me all of these things…enough for them to last my lifetime without you being here with me…you’ve instilled these things in me so that I would be able to love with my whole heart and give away all of the beautiful things that you have given to me. No one should feel alone. No one should feel hopeless. No one should feel sad. No one should feel empty. That isn’t what was or is meant to be.
Yet I’ve carried this stillness filled with emptiness for all of these years – 40 to be exact…it was only today that I realized that I feel loved in portions but not in whole. That’s not the truth. The truth is that in 8 short years, you gave me EVERYTHING – all of your heart, all of your love, and it is only today that I find all of those things buried in my soul…those seeds have blossomed but I couldn’t see the blooms until today.
No more emptiness. No more deep sadness. Only a beautiful field covered in sunlight with a brightness and fragrance that would take anyone’s breath away. You were my gift, and you will always be my gift! I miss you so much and love you even more than you could ever fathom…even after 40 years of not being with you! Loving you with all that I am – for eternity!
Boundaries – the key to freedom
Boundaries/Margins/Limits are probably things I’m going to be writing about for a few weeks. I’m so blown away by the things God is imparting into my heart on this topic…I’m also so thankful for these simple, yet life altering, revelations.
I’ve always been someone that doesn’t rest well…I’ve never been good at being idle. I’ve been programmed to feel (through life wounds and experiences) that if I’m idle, the ‘other shoe’ might drop and cause catastrophe in my life. I’ve felt that if I’m on top of things (controlling my environment and the things I can control) I will bounce back more easily when something I can’t control goes wrong. Can anyone else relate to this?
Priscilla Shirer in “Breathe” commented that in a sociological study when group A kids were given a playground with no fence or borders, they stayed bunched up together and didn’t venture out. When group B kids were given a playground with fences, they combed every piece of the area, explored and had a great time. This is how we should view boundaries…boundaries give us the freedom to explore knowing we are safe within our limits. We won’t be consumed and get off track. This is such a huge revelation to me.
I’m learning that I don’t have to do everything TODAY. I’m trying to define limits for myself around work and even home chores. I’m learning that no chaos will ensue if I leave a few things undone that can be done tomorrow or later in the week or whenever. God is giving me peace through showing me how to set limits…otherwise, I have no limits and I exhaust myself…never stopping because there is always something to be done. It brings me so much joy to realize that work can stop when I determine work can stop…it leaves me time to do the things that are in my heart to do – the things that bring me true joy and fulfillment (going about my Father’s business, spending time with Jesus, praying for others, being in the Word, filling my Spirit) and various other things that I never allow myself enough time to do because I have been so busy trying to do all of the un-fun stuff that I thought was necessary.
I find that I’m excited when I get home from work because I’m going to take time just for myself – to do the things that make my heart dance. It’s amazing. I’m realizing that the things I leave on the table undone will still be there tomorrow…I’m realizing that if Jesus could feed the multitudes on a few loaves of bread, He will also give me the freedom to walk within my limits and still get everything done in time.
I’m thoroughly enjoying this newfound freedom and the peace and joy that come with it. If you are like me and have struggled in these areas (taking time for rest/setting boundaries), please buy this book by Priscilla. God is changing my life through it. This GIFT of boundaries is for all of us, and it truly is a gift. The sabbath was a gift to teach us how to not be in bondage or enslaved to others or things of this world. The Sabbath is a “loving, gracious gift that would break the chains that remained inside of them” (the Israelites and their mindsets of being enslaved as it was all they ever knew). That gets me excited and is a gift I wholeheartedly am receiving.
Sabbath – old school or necessary?
I just started a Bible study by Priscilla Shirer – Breathe. It’s about making room for sabbath in all areas of your life. It’s really not about taking Sunday off…it’s about setting margins for things in your life…think of margins as boundaries or self-contained units. I love that Priscilla likens boundaries or margins to a fire-pit…a self-contained area meant to be enjoyed. This has helped me so much – I struggle with work-life balance. I can’t rest when there are things to be done (and there are always things to be done)…and when I say rest – it means my soul just doesn’t know how to be still. I’m learning to set work boundaries once I get home…I’m realizing it’s imperative to my well-being.
I love that Priscilla talks about how on the 7th day, God CREATED rest – He created tranquility and serenity…it’s meant to complete us. I LOVE that…it’s not something we are meant to do (rest that it is)….it’s something that is meant to complete us – without it we aren’t complete. That certainly explains a lot in my life.
For the first time ever I’m learning to rest – I’m learning to quiet my soul and mind and just be infiltrated with peace, tranquility and serenity. It feels awesome so far…but I’m definitely a big work in progress :).
More to come on this later as I progress in this study…but it reminds me of something my dear friend, Kim Strong, says – Peace must be our operating system. That is so true, and without rest it is impossible.
Who do you say I am….
Breathtaking, Beautiful, Truth, Peace, King, Lover of my soul, Brilliant, Amazing, The Word, Counselor, Son of God, Grace, Honesty, Purity, Gentle, Passionate, Consuming, Overwhelming, Magnificent, Splendor, Loving, Forgiving, Healer, Overcomer, Victorious, Strength, Shield, Protector, Encourager, Living Water, Refresher, Restorer, Redeemer, Deliverer, The Christ, Lord, Savior, Love, Courage, Wealth, Song, Eternal, Everlasting, Alpha, Omega, Present, Gift, Freedom, Compassionate, Warm, Loving, Dances with me, Warrior, Prayer, Interceder, Defeater, Far-stretched, Hope, Intimacy, Foundation, Rock, Salvation, Resurrection, Worthy, Everlasting, Beginning and End, Elegant, Sweet, Pursuer, Mercy, Truth, The Way, Life, Fun, Happy, Pleased, Beaming, Laughter, Tears, Doctor, Sword, Priest, Teacher, My Heart, Tender
I say You are the Christ! You are the one and only Son of God! You are My Lord & Savior! You are my life!
Remorse = deep regret or guilt for a wrong committed.
I turned on the TV yesterday afternoon and was very disappointed to find the OJ parole hearing. I honestly didn’t know the full story of why he went to prison. I honestly didn’t care either. I never followed the first trial even though the media saturated us with every detail of it all of those years ago. I, like most others, assumed he was guilty of murder. It was very sad. I was so very sad for his kids, for the families of Nicole and Ron, and even for OJ if he was, indeed, guilty. How do you get so possessed that you commit murder of someone you supposedly love so much? Anyway, I digress.
I found myself getting sucked into the parole hearing…which was so strange for me. It was stressed that OJ needed to show remorse…that would be the most important deciding factor. Did I see remorse in him – not really…then again it was made clear that he and the victim of that crime in Las Vegas had made peace with each other and forgiven each other years ago. Truly some time ago OJ must have shown him that he was remorseful. The love this man showed for OJ at the hearing was deep and genuine. How can you show so much love for someone that hurt you so deeply if they aren’t truly sorry?
I found myself hoping that OJ would be paroled. I found myself praying for this man – praying for God’s will to be done. I felt kind of guilty hoping for parole knowing how much pain this man allegedly caused so many. While I didn’t see remorse, I did see humility and vulnerability. That is what pulled at my heart strings. Here is this 70 year old man that was larger than life while in his prime…a man that was loved by so many. I love someone that can be vulnerable in front of others…someone that is humbled by knowing his fate lies in the hands of others and he has no control over what they decide and must live with their decision – right or wrong. I loved the happiness – the deep happiness I saw in his eyes when the decision was made for parole. OJ mentioned that he was doing bible study while in prison and wanted to be a better Christian. I truly pray that he will give his entire life to God…that Jesus will truly be his Lord and Savior. I know that very often my heart is bigger than my head – as it was in this case. I often want to believe that people will choose to be who God calls them to be…that they will be good and noble.
Over the last 24 hours I have been reflecting on this case…still feeling strange about how this parole hearing made me feel – how it opened my heart to someone that in my head had done so much that was wrong, yet I so wanted him to have a chance at life – a chance to be with his family and friends – a chance to show that he is reformed – a chance to be a huge witness for Jesus. I still pray for all of those chances for him…I hope in my heart of hearts that yesterday wasn’t an act…I hope in my heart of hearts that I wasn’t fooled by him.
On to what the real heart of this matter is – as it truly isn’t OJ or his parole. The real heart of the matter is remorse. I’ve been struggling for years with particular relationships…relationships that caused very deep wounds. I chose to do the Godly thing and forgive…I didn’t always forgive right away. Sometimes it took a good couple of years and a lot of prayer. Sometimes I opened my heart back up to these people that hurt me – other times I knew it was time to walk away. What I found the times I chose not to walk away is that nothing really changed – people continued to hurt me over and over again. I’ve prayed through the years for Jesus to teach me how to have a relationship with these people. I finally realized this morning that it’s not possible. What this case has taught me is that without remorse, the attacker will never be a safe place. Convicts aren’t safe for society and will commit the same crimes again and again. People that attack will continue to attack and hurt others over and over again – they will never be a safe place. They are their own idols – they are more important to themselves than anyone else. As sad as it is, you will either have to walk away or continuously guard your heart. It feels like death when there is no remorse – like a funeral. It hurts. It’s important to forgive, but without remorse we can’t move forward in the same way. You have to remove people from the places in your heart that you have let them reside.
This is one of those posts that makes my heart weighted. I’ve had it saved as a draft for several days because I knew I needed to have the emotional capacity to write it…not so much because it’s painful to write, but more so because this Hallelujah Moment I refer to is so pivotal – at least it was for me. Maybe not everyone has one of these moments…maybe that’s something to be thankful for…each of our journeys is different because we are all unique with a unique purpose. I love reflecting on this moment in my life – not the painful thing that caused it, but rather the raw and vulnerable moment with God that brought me to my knees at His feet in tears…my Mary of Bethany moment (John 12:3).
Have you ever experienced something in your life that makes you feel like your choices altered the course of it and even altered your heart to the very core? I’ve already blogged about that particular incident in my life (Buried But Never Forgotten), so I won’t rehash all of those details. My hallelujah moment was many years later after much healing – after so many layers had been peeled back, and I was finally able to see the truth. It was in that moment that I broke down into hysterical tears and wept and wept and wept…the beauty of it was that I wept at the feet of my Savior and my greatest Love while He stroked my hair. I was finally able to look at Him and tell Him how sorry I was that I ran from Him because of shame instead of running to Him to make it right. I felt like I had turned my back on not just myself and my values, but like I had forsaken Him and let Him down beyond repair. It was a clear plot of Satan, as it usually is…he feels threatened so he tries his hardest to separate us from God…but those that love God with the deepest love can always find their way back to Him. He is always there waiting with the most tender eyes and loving arms – no anger just enormous love.
It was so freeing for me to tell Him how sorry I was for breaking His heart – it was so freeing for me to tell Him how heartbroken I was. It was the most beautiful, healing moment. I think the most healing thing of all was standing on the truth, cradled in His arms, reveling in His love…our hearts united at the deepest level knowing that they could never be pulled apart again. Do you know how much our heavenly Father adores it when we go running to Him full speed ahead, unstoppable until we are in His arms? He longs for that. He longs for us to shower Him with our love. Our love makes His eyes dance. Our love makes His heart sing. There is no moment that can possibly be more intimate. This hallelujah moment puts you back on course – leaving that thing that took you off course at the foot of the cross while you take your Love’s hand and continue your resurrection journey.
There are several references to this hallelujah moment in the Bible – the two that stand out to me the most are Samson and David. It was the story of Samson that made me have this revelation…how he lost his power when he let Delilah shave his head(Judges 16:18). My power was my heart and being able to love without abandon…I let someone take that from me, and it was indeed heartbreaking and had lots of consequences, but it didn’t make God love me any less – and in the end it made me love Him so much more. My favorite hallelujah moment in the Bible was when David realized that he had sinned against the Lord with Bathsheba (2 Samuel 12). I love David’s heart. I’ve always loved his heart! He loved God so much! He was so quick, once he recognized the truth, to fall on his knees and weep before the Lord for betraying Him.
I pray that if you have something in your life that altered your heart, you will have your very own hallelujah moment – I pray you will find Him because He is waiting for you with more love than you could ever fathom. I pray that this moment will set you back on course to experience life in your rightful place – you are His Beloved – Prince/Princess – Son/Daughter of a King. You were created for a wonderful and significant purpose – it’s time to walk in that while your proud Daddy’s heart beats in tune with yours to the melody of His love!
For my Sweetheart – Happy 11th Anniversary!
Today (July 23, 2016) is my 11th wedding anniversary. I opted to blog rather than buy a Hallmark – after all, my husband deserves the spotlight!
I guess everyone always says the same thing – I can’t believe it has been 11 years, and I can’t believe it has ONLY been 11 years. It’s so hard to remember me before him…honestly, I like the me WITH him so much more (God played a big part in that)!
I met this incredible man in church. I quickly developed a huge crush on him (which I totally hid as if my life depended on it). I was drawn to him (not because I thought he was hot – even though I did think that) but more because he had the most gentle and sweetest spirit. He had a laugh that was contagious – it lit up not only his whole face but the entire room as well. He was intelligent. He had himself together – already owned a house and had begun a wonderful career as a teacher. I was very impressed…and I was very smitten too!
He asked me out, and to make a short story even shorter, we were married a little less than 7 months later. Ecclesiastes 3 pretty much sums up the past 11 years: There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens… Together we have experienced weeping, laughing, mourning and dancing. I hold in my heart all of these things…I wouldn’t change a thing. Even through the most painful times, Chuck was there for me and held my heart like no one other than God could have. He has let me cry with my face buried in his chest countless times, and his soothing and loving touch nursed my heart back to health. He lets me dance through the grocery store isles when I hear a song I love (uncontrollable urge on my part), and he loves me even more for doing it.
I love that with him I am raw and vulnerable. I love that I know how much he loves me always – even when we disagree…it’s an unconditional love like I’ve never known. I love that when I’m upset, he immediately prays for me out loud on the spot with such passion and fervor. I love his strength. I love his passion. I love his fight. I love his dedication and loyalty. I love his heart.
I’m so glad I waited for God’s best for me (even when I really didn’t want to wait). Chuck is the perfect man for me, and I’m so blessed that He was God’s choice for me (I prayed for God to arrange my marriage). I would marry him over and over and over again. I truly love him more with each passing day. I respect him more with each passing day. I’m more thankful for him with each passing day. I’m more in awe of God for bringing me him each passing day. I’m so proud to be his wife. I’m so proud of him – proud of the choices he makes, proud that he lets God lead him, proud of his noble character, proud of the man he is, period!
Happy Anniversary my Love! You are the greatest love I’ve ever known! This journey has been incredible, and I love that I get to walk out the rest of my days with you! I’m excited for each and every day of our lives together – love you always, your girl
Imagine Jesus asking you this question – Do you love me? Pause for a moment and think about how it makes you feel. Jesus asked Peter in John 21:15 if he loves Him. He asked him 3 times in fact. Peter’s response makes me think he was disappointed that Jesus asked him this – how could He ask such a thing when He knows everything – He knew that Peter loved him.
I tell Jesus I love Him all of the time, and I truly do with all of my heart. I never realized that while I know Jesus loves me, I felt that I blended in with everyone else that He loves – nothing special to see here. I’ve struggled for decades with feeling invisible. When I read these words – I knew that Jesus was asking ME personally if I love Him? In an instant that question healed a 30-something year old wound in me – the wound that told me that I am invisible.
That question made me feel singled out. It made me feel the intense gaze of the greatest love I have ever known. Wow – He sees me. There was no blending in at that moment – truthfully, I didn’t want to blend in. His loving gaze captured my heart and took my breath away. I just wanted to stay there in that moment lost in His eyes forever.
I share this because I want you to have this moment with Him…I want you to know that He SEES you. His eyes and His heart are fixed on you! There is so much love and beauty in this. This kind of intimacy is life changing. You are His beloved – revel in the romance of that always!
When truth and love breed rejection…
I decided to write today because sometimes it is the only way for me to process things. I’m in an awkward in-between stage in my life. Maybe it’s not really an in-between stage; maybe it’s a short, strange transitional season. I have no idea where this journey of life is leading me – really, I have no idea where God is leading me. I’m doing my best to wait on Him – to wait on His leading. I keep feeling uncomfortable in my own skin and find myself in the familiar place of wanting to charge ahead into a space that I control – truly a space where I can hide and mesh into the fabric of being on everyone else’s back burner. That place honestly sucks, but it’s where I have spent most of my life, so it’s comfortable to me – in a sucky kind of way. The real truth is I hate that place, and I want something different. In this moment I find myself manifesting the hurt of 35 years…this hurt has followed me my entire life – which really means this has been an on-going attack of Satan my entire life – one meant to cripple me – one meant to keep me from my purpose and destiny. As much as I don’t like this particular place of vulnerability that I find myself in with Jesus, I hate the thought of letting Satan defeat me more. I’m ready to step out and walk in my purpose, and I know this deep wound/scar tissue is holding me back. I know that God wants to heal it…He has been pointing it out to me for weeks. Every time I think I have moved past it, I realize that I haven’t. Today everything caught up with me, and I find myself in a horrible funk.
I titled this blog when truth and love breed rejection. I’ve always had a loving heart – I see the good in everyone, even when it is deeply buried. It’s part of my calling (which took me a long time realize). My point here is that I love with my whole heart. I don’t hold back. Yet I continuously find myself being horribly wounded by everyone that I hold dear and even those that are just a little dear. Because I love using my whole heart, when people hurt me, it’s so hard to recover. I’ve spent my whole life running from these wounds and accepting the lies of people’s actions as truth. This started all the way back in elementary school in the 4th grade. This grade was exceptionally impactful for me as it was my first year in school without my daddy. He died at the end of 3rd grade. I was already pretty lost because of his death – very unsure of what his death even meant for me – very unsure of who I was now. I moved forward in the 4th grade making friends and giving my whole heart to these little girls that were now my friends. As it turns out, maybe they really weren’t my friends. Maybe they didn’t love me back – maybe they just pretended to love me back. I stayed loyal to one of these friends all the way through 7th grade, and just continued to get hurt over and over and over again. I don’t know why I didn’t just find new friends – I guess I just needed some sense of belonging. The thing is that regardless of who my ‘best’ friend was over the years, they always ended up doing the same things…betraying me, saying mean things about me behind my back, chastising me about the way I dress, my hair cut, the way I dance, and all sorts of other things. This list of folks isn’t just limited to my best friends – I went through the same things with very close family members. I went through the same things at several of my workplaces. Throughout my life my love and honesty has bred so much rejection and deep, deep hurt. Throughout my life I have been told by all of these people that I don’t have value; I don’t have worth; I’m not loved; I’m not special. I felt I was allowed to stick around because I was willing to do whatever anyone needed me to do; but I never felt wanted, loved and adored or valuable.
I mentioned that I’m in a transitional season. I resigned from my job in corporate America at the end of April. The truth is that I pigeon-holed myself in a field that I honestly didn’t like. Rather than doing what I knew in my heart was my passion, I chose something that I thought others would find more meaningful – I chose something that brought me no life in hopes of finding acceptance from others. Guess what – it didn’t work so well. My career of over 20+ years brought me more rejection and feelings of hopelessness because I felt like I wasted my life. I had true successes throughout my career, and I made a lot of money – none of that matters to me. I know now that my life nor these years were a waste – God uses everything for good for those that are called according to His purpose. After much prayer and waiting, I knew it was time to leave that long path of un-fulfillment in April. I honestly feel like it’s time for me to move into my calling, my purpose, my passion. I know that God is telling me that I have been created for a time such as this. I know in my heart of hearts that God has the most spectacular journey laid out for me, and it is something that will bedazzle my heart. I know it is something that in an instant will make me feel like those long years behind me barely existed…a thousand years is but a day. I also know that in this transition there are places in my heart that are still so wounded, and those wounds need to be healed in order for me to truly experience everything God has for me moving forward. I spent the first month after my resignation climbing the walls – staying home with nothing to do or no purpose was so foreign to me. I’m in the second month now, and things are better – I have a bit of a rhythm going, and I have some things I’m working on that are truly my passion. During this time God has been digging deep into my heart and showing me the dead parts. He has already healed some of the things He has shown me during this transition period, but there are other things He has shown me that are still there causing death in my heart. Mainly the things that remain are all of the things I have talked about here – how friends, family, etc rejected me and wounded me. I’ve known the root for a few weeks – God showed me where these things originated…but my healing still hasn’t happened even though I tried to convince myself that it had.
God uses things we find bizarre sometimes to point us to our wounds. I woke up today like any other normal Saturday – the whole day ahead of me with really nowhere to be or nothing pressing to do. The first thing I did was look at my phone – there on social media was another one of these things…someone I had poured my heart into decided that people that were so mean to me were more acceptable and more valuable than I was. Something else on social media caught my attention – a former Voice finalist was shot and killed after one of her performances. Seeing this put me in such a deep funk – it made me feel so wounded. This is what I mean about God using bizarre things to point to our wounds. My feelings about her death were irrational. She was very talented, but beyond watching her season of the Voice, I really had not followed her career. Yet all morning I have felt so much bitterness from this. I realized that I identified with the characteristics her shooter projected onto her – clearly he thought she had no value or worth – so much so that he took her life. I’m certainly not trying to say that anything I have been through compares to this – it clearly doesn’t. What I am saying is that it makes me angry that someone else decided her fate – that someone decided to play God with her life. She was a beautiful, young girl with so much passion and love for everyone. She had her whole life ahead of her – a life to touch so many people…and in an instant it was gone – someone had snuffed it out. That’s the part I identify with – I feel like I’ve had several people snuff me out…they didn’t literally kill me, but they have been killing my soul year after year. I know now that this has been the master plan of the devil – trying to keep me hidden and isolated – making me feel invisible – making me feel rejected, unworthy, unloved and devalued.
As a result of my wounds, I learned to just fade into the background. I learned to stay on the sidelines loving people and working hard and never being seen or acknowledged. That empty place is where my soul has resided for over 35 years. Frankly, my soul needs a new home – a home that is filled with love and adoration – a home where I’m valued and of worth – a home where I am accepted fully and loved just because I am me – a home where others actually want me around because they truly enjoy being with me. What God is showing me in this very moment is that regardless of the hurts, I have always been someone that people have valued and loved and adored and wanted to be around. Satan comes to steal, kill and destroy – and he has done a fantastic job up until now…I am just realizing that the lies we receive from people’s actions are truly lies – just because they make us feel a certain way doesn’t mean it is truly their heart for us. It doesn’t mean they don’t love, accept and value us. Satan will use every opportunity to bury us or to snuff us out – and the best way to do that is by using everyone we love…we are all pawns in his nasty game.
The first step to freedom is always recognizing the lies we believed. The truth always brings light to darkness. The truth is: You are a Princess/Prince – the Daughter/Son of a King, You are wholly loved, You are wholly accepted, You are beautiful, You are adored, You bedazzle your Daddy, You have captured His heart, He delights in you, He created you for your very own unique purpose, He will never leave you or forsake you, He loves you as far as the East is from the West and then some, He is the lover of your soul and He carries your heart, He catches your tears and washes your heart with them, He dances with you, He carries you when you are faint or weary, He holds your hands every day and walks with you, He is your best friend, He is your greatest Love, He is your Truth, He is your Delight, He is your Honor, He is your Defender, He goes before you, He walks beside you, and He walks behind you. He is the Vine, and you are His Branch. His sweet and gentle spirit dance all around you making your heart sing and soar! Bask in His truth today and always! Wrap yourself in His love – His love is yours!
As I close this post I pray that you would be able to recognize God’s knock however it may come – whether through a song, a current event, a book, the Word, a movie or anything else in this world. We are meant to have abundant life and joy. We are meant to walk in freedom with purpose. I pray that your heart would be open to His healing always!
ON MAY 25, 2016
I’ve been reading Unashamed by Christine Caine. I’m only on Chapter 5…usually I fly through books, but this is one to take slowly, to absorb all that God is showing you. Funny, I bought the book because I knew it would be good, but foolishly I thought there wasn’t possibly any other major thing that God could heal in me. I was so wrong, and I’m so thankful that I was.
I’ve had intimacy issues throughout my marriage…the one place I should never feel shame. My husband has always been so patient, understanding and so loving. There have been times in my past where the thought of being intimate with him crippled me with fear – it wasn’t all the time – it was very sporadic. Every time I feel this fear, God is about to heal something in me. God showed me early in our marriage that I had been molested when I was a little girl – I had repressed it. That was definitely part of the problem, but it wasn’t all of it. He long ago healed me from that. There have been some other things I have walked through that left me very broken hearted. God has been healing these things one at a time. As I was reading Unashamed, my Spirit felt heavy, and I felt that same familiar feeling – God was tugging at me showing me that I had a wound that was still buried. He showed me on the spot exactly where it came from – it came from an unhealthy relationship in my past. I thought I had been healed from that…I had shared all of these things long ago with my husband intentionally because I know that truth brings light to darkness. I didn’t realize that I still carried the shame from it. What I discovered yesterday is that it was not even my shame to carry – it was shame that I attached to myself and wore as my own. I had been exposed to some sexual perversion as a child from someone very influential in my life…I wasn’t part of these acts – I just saw them by mistake (mainly because things were left out where they shouldn’t have been). These things made me feel dirty, and they gave me a completely different feeling about this person. I thought this person was dirty. I realized that this particular relationship that God was showing me from my past, though not perverse at all, made me identify with this person, and I put the filth on myself. I was dirty from then until yesterday. Yesterday God showed me a picture of myself from high school…I was such a pure, good girl. God showed me that is who I am – I have always been that sweet, innocent girl. That’s my heart – regardless of any relationship I have been in – my heart has always been pure.
I’m so excited about what God is doing in all of His daughters’ lives! Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is Freedom! I pray that God would use this book to heal something in every single person that reads it!
There are so many nuggets in the book of Jonah, but a couple of things stood out to me the most…one of which took my brain on a crazy rabbit trail.
The first thing that grabs my attention is the fact that Jonah thought he could outrun God. Adam and Eve were hiding from Him in the garden – clearly there is no outrunning God or hiding from Him, yet we all do it. I guess we think it’s easier to hide in our shame or selfishness…if we are lucky, we come to our senses and realize God is always the first place we should run – even in our darkest hour. Jonah was running away from God because he didn’t want to be obedient. I’m not certain that I have ever run from God because I didn’t want to be obedient to what I knew was a direct command. I have, however, spent many years running from God because I was ashamed of myself and felt void of all hope. Honestly, I wasn’t even aware at the time that my loving God could make it all better. I certainly know that now, and as hard and lonely as my years away from Him were, they made my love for Him so much sweeter and deeper and intimate. Thank God He didn’t give up on me. Jonah reminds us that God’s love is for all of us – even the worst sinners – all we have to do is turn our hearts to Him and repent. God will receive us over and over and over…He is that merciful and loving. Hallelujah!
The second point that stands out to me (and thus begins the rabbit trail in my head) is the fact that Jonah was angry because he didn’t want God to forgive the wretched people of Nineveh. Have you ever found yourself in this place – the place of not wanting God to forgive someone? I’ve certainly found myself in the place of wanting God to defend me by unleashing on those that have hurt me…even those that I knew were His children. I don’t know why Jonah didn’t want the people of Nineveh to be saved. There are scholars that say Jonah truly believed that only the Jews were God’s people, and that the Gentiles shouldn’t carry the same weight. I think sometimes our selfishness and our hurts get in our way, and we want to feel like we are the only ones that God sees, and that He sees us as the most special. If He (or others) sees those that hurt us as special, then it must mean we deserve the horrible things that were done to us. Of course this isn’t the truth, but it is how we receive it. It’s like looking in a tarnished mirror that is being held up for us by Satan himself.
When I was younger (high school age), I was very much a goody-goody girl. I have no idea why I was that way – the only thing I can chalk it up to is that God had His hand on me and was guiding me down the right path. I had friends that started experimenting with things – sex, alcohol, drugs – I remember driving them home when they had too much to drink. I was so angry by their actions. I didn’t wish harm on them or God’s wrath, but I was disappointed that they chose to partake in these activities. This is what I mean by the rabbit trail…not sure why the story of Jonah brings this memory to my mind. I guess I was angry that people I loved couldn’t see what was right in front of them – even though I don’t think I even understood it myself. Maybe Jonah was angry too – because the people of Nineveh had a choice, and they didn’t choose God until His wrath was forewarned. Maybe Jonah was angry because he had chosen to serve the Lord of his own accord, so how could those that chose otherwise get the same place in God’s heart? I had a friend once that was so angry with God because several of her single friends were getting married, and they had JUST started following Christ, whereas she had been a good and faithful Christian for a long time. That modern day story very much reminds me of the story of Jonah.
We all walk through this earth experiencing pain, often times from people we love the most. It’s so easy to get clouded with our own hurts and insecurities that we forget the most important thing of all – God’s love is for all of us. We don’t deserve it more or less than anyone else – no matter how blameless or sinless we think we are. It’s not our performance or righteous choices that earns us God’s love. It’s only by God’s grace that we are loved.
May all of God’s people (present and future) fall head over heels in love with our Lord and Savior and taste the sweetness of His divine love – so much so that we want to laugh, love, share it and proclaim it with the world!
Warning – this post will probably end up being quite melancholy.
Even though the first official day of spring hasn’t arrived yet, it is definitely spring. The temps in Atlanta have been nearing 80 degrees for the past couple of days. Pollen coats everything around.
Spring is my absolute favorite season, but each year as it starts, I feel a deep sadness. I always think that sadness will eventually subside and not rear its ugly head EVERY year, but it never does. It shows up like clockwork when the temps get warm.
There is nothing like feeling a warm breeze caress your face in the early morning of spring. Spring is supposed to be the beginning of life…April showers bring May flowers. Spring symbolizes hope. Do you know how weird it is to feel a deep ache in your heart at the same time that you feel so filled with hope? Do you know how weird it is to enter a season of all things blooming and to bask in the glory of that while at the same time feeling so much death and stillness? It’s something I have struggled with since 1979. The struggle has changed much since then…not sure that I always felt hope…that began more recently like in the past 8 years or so. I used to only feel death (even though I always loved spring).
God has shown me so many things over the years, and He has healed so much in my heart. I’m at peace with my daddy’s death now – I still miss him, and I can’t wait to see him again, but I’m at peace. Honestly, I’m at peace with everything in my life – all things – good, bad and just okay things.
It’s so odd when I feel that first taste of warmth…when I look up and feel the heat saturate my face when there is just a slight bit of coolness in the air…and then that old familiar feeling in the pit of my stomach happens…followed by the old familiar feeling deep in my heart. That feeling is death. Death of my greatest loves…my daddy, Samson and my children in heaven. I have a place in my heart where I carry all of them, and usually they are tucked so neatly away in a safe, safe place…but when spring comes, that place in my heart flings wide open, and I remember how much I miss all of them. After spring has settled in, the deep sadness subsides, and my ache for those I’ve lost is tucked away again. It’s not just an ache for those I’ve lost, but it’s an ache for hopes and dreams that were shattered and will never be on this side of eternity.
This time of year always makes me reflect and ponder things. Today I was driving with the windows down enjoying the sweet breeze, and I was remembering my time in school. I can’t help but miss sometimes the sweet innocence of those days…the hope of life that lies ahead…the excitement of seeing your dreams come true…the feeling of belonging to a group of people known as your classmates and together thinking you are all invincible. There is such a bond that is formed among your classmates even if you don’t stay in touch over the years…or maybe that’s just a country high school thing :). I think about the folks I went to school with, and all I remember is the fun and simple times with them. They were a special group of people. They represented my youth. They represented my hope. They represented my dreams. Those days hold such sweet memories for me…(even though I wouldn’t want to repeat them for the world). You tend to take those moments for granted when you are in them. Life goes by so fast.
Sometimes it’s hard to catch my breath…sometimes I just need to sit still and soak in everything…memorize moments that I might need to recall later in life. Sometimes the sting of death takes over and makes me fear the future…even though in my heart of hearts I know that God will see me through anything.
I dedicate this post to those I love…those that I carry in my heart always. My sadness only means I loved you THAT much! Until we meet again…
We recently moved, and as I was packing up our old house, I found a notebook in which I had written this post in 2008. It was the only thing in the entire notebook. I’ve certainly grown a lot since I wrote this, but it amazes me knowing where I was at in my life at that point that these words flowed. This post intrigued me so I wanted to share it here. There is so much wisdom here – so much truth! Still a timely piece.
Everything Under The Sun – Memories have faded ~ and with them so have pieces of your heart.
Rainy days, lullabies, memories of days gone by. A smile, a hello ~ where has all of the time gone? So much has changed. The face that stares back at you still resembles pictures of your youth ~ where did all of those grey strands come from? When did those creases appear? You don’t recall them being there yesterday. Your heart feels sad, but you don’t understand why. You choose not to relive the days of old ~ some of them were just too painful. Then again ~ to be able to visit those moments that you wish you could have frozen in time ~ to see their faces again ~ to be in their arms ~ to open those areas of your heart that you closed off ~ what would that be like?
You reminisce of favorite moments ~ there are so many moments that defined you ~ but how many moments did you define? There are moments that took your breath away ~ there are moments that warmed your heart. You wonder how many moments you impacted for others. How many lives and hearts have you touched without even being aware? Sometimes you just sit and wonder what your purpose is in life ~ sometimes you think you may know, and other times you just keep moving forward without a clue. There are things that you do know for certain. Perhaps this is where most of your time should be spent in reflection. You know that your heart has never changed. It has been wounded, scarred and closed off throughout your life. But do you remember your youth? Do you remember the tenderness and the love you felt? It is still there ~ You strive for that feeling everyday of your life. You long for what you know is true. All of the bad layers can be peeled away ~ closed areas can be opened again. Your heart is beautiful. It was created with such a deep love. It was created and admired as being good and perfect. Even if you hide your heart, there are those that still see its beauty. Find peace in that. Find peace in the things that don’t ever change.
Have you ever had a moment when everything was still and silent and you felt consumed with peace? That feeling can always be felt if you just close your eyes and relive that moment.
Sometimes life is so hard. You have so many dreams and desires ~ you have faith that you will see them fulfilled. Dreams give you hope to keep going and keep reaching. But how do you enjoy where you are and count the present time as a blessing? You have to give your dreams and desires to the one that gave them to you in the first place. You have to fix your eyes and your heart on your first True Love. You have to give Him all of your burdens, all of your worries, all of your pain. You simply have to love Him with pure abandon ~ worship Him with the heart He gave you. Follow Him and know that He won’t lead you astray. Define your moments with your truth and convictions. Stand firm and walk in truth and light. Define your moments – don’t let them define you! Only your True Love defines you – and that was done before the beginning of time. Reflect on what is good and pure and true ~ search for THAT in your heart! It has always been and always will be! Yesterday – today and tomorrow!
I sit here scared to write this post…truly no idea what words will end up on this page when I’m finished…this one little piece of my heart is so hurt and so damaged. I’d rather not dig out all of the gravel that I’ve used to fill up this hole because I know it is going to hurt like hell. This hole has been in my heart for 26 years. God has already started the process of digging out the gravel and bringing this nasty, ugly, hateful piece of my heart to the surface. He has been exposing it. This is not something I’ve wanted to revisit. I haven’t wanted to feel this pain again…truthfully, I’ve been feeling the pain for 26 years and it has wreaked so much havoc on my life. I’m beyond tired of being a victim to it.
I’ve often thought about my testimony and how in the world I would speak about it if asked because there is just so much to it…so many nuances. I’ve had so many twists and turns in my life, and God has so beautifully taken me on a drive down that winding road called my life letting me visit those things that crushed my soul in the safety of His arms while He took charge of my heart – making it new – replacing wounds with flesh. It’s strange how I sit here today realizing that this one particular ‘relationship’ has been at the root of so much pain in my life. I always thought my father’s death when I was 8 shaped my life – I thought most of my scars were born at that time. I’m sure a lot of scars were born on that sad day in April – in fact I know that they were, and honestly, maybe those scars set the stage for this one – the dreaded one of which I keep referring.
This person stripped me of my innocence. He stripped me of hope. He stripped me of worth. He made me dirty. He made me feel so ashamed. I’ve been carrying all of this around for 26 years never even realizing the depths of this and the branches that grew from it. I loved him – I honestly don’t know how that was ever possible – but I did. It was an unhealthy love, and it was clearly never returned. My heart sought after him for a good year, maybe it was even two years – so hard to remember now – he would pop in and out of my life as it served his needs…and I always welcomed him with open arms…and I was always deeply saddened when he went away again never knowing when or if he would be back. Every time I saw his car or saw him, my heart would skip a beat. I don’t understand how I got so sucked in…so charmed by him and his lies.
There was one night in particular that he had told me that he really needed to talk to me. He came over and told me how much he missed me and that he wanted to be in a relationship again. He was drunk, but he hadn’t been drunk earlier in the evening when he so desperately needed to talk to me. I wanted to believe him. I needed to believe him. He kept trying to have sex with me, but I just couldn’t do it. I was too exhausted by him. My heart was weak and weary. He was on top of me drunk and heavy – he kept persisting – kept telling me how much he wanted to make love to me. I told him no over and over and over, but he never gave up. He wore me down until I gave in – powerless – no fight left. I didn’t open up to him longingly. In my soul I knew I couldn’t trust him. I wish I would have had the power to fight him off that night and rid him from my life, but I didn’t. Honestly, I don’t remember when he left. What I do remember is waking up and going to the bathroom the next morning and feeling sick. Something was different. I felt different. I still loved him but it wasn’t with a hopeful heart. It was with a heavy heart, a violated heart, a heart that had been torn in half, a heart that was so damaged that it is still in desperate need of repair this very second as I write this.
The string of events that happened over the next 2 months compounded the nastiness of that night. The same day I found out he was engaged to someone else (and had been all along) is the day I found out I was carrying his child. There I was – in the situation I swore would never happen to me…after all, I was better than that. I was a good girl. I felt crippled…I felt afflicted. I just wanted the nightmare to be over. I had no one to confide in – no one to talk to. For the first and really, the only time in my life, I seriously contemplated suicide…not just contemplated it, but was in the moment when I was about a millimeter from moving forward with it. The only thing that stopped me was the thought of breaking my mother’s heart – she had already been through too much in her life. I also knew this pregnancy would disappoint her – I was so ashamed of myself – so depressed – so distraught. I decided to do the only thing I thought would fix it. I ended my pregnancy. I gave a fake name. I knew I was a bad girl and needed to be punished, so I wouldn’t let the doctor give me anything for pain…I laid there and felt every last bit of the pain from that procedure – physically and emotionally. The procedure took my baby away – the procedure allowed me to keep my secret – but that procedure never took away my pain. That pain is still very much alive today. I’ve lived all these years with the shame of what I did. I’ve lived all of these years with guilt – not just because my baby was gone but because I couldn’t claim her. I’ve publicly claimed my babies that I miscarried after I was married – saying that they are waiting for me in heaven…but I’ve never been able to claim this baby because she was kept secret – buried and hidden. I’ve been angry for a long time – angry at him because it was his fault that I couldn’t claim my baby. I realize that I get very angry at anyone that slights me and makes me feel helpless and defenseless and invisible.
What I’ve been realizing over the past couple of weeks is that I still feel so ashamed and so dirty. I imagine myself alone with God, and I can’t even look at Him right now. I’m not worthy to look at Him or be with Him. That’s not normal. God has always been my safe place…the place where I’m always delighted in and beautiful and adored. This revelation is what led me to the point of dredging all of this up – I know God wants to heal my heart. I’m so thankful for that.
I’ve been keeping this piece of my heart hidden without realizing it. I’ve given everything to God, but He has had to dig through so many layers of my heart and slowly bring me to this point…this point where I could finally handle this deep pain that altered everything about me (or so it felt). God has been with me all along even through the years that I deemed myself unworthy to feel His presence. He loved me all along – all of me – my hurts, my wounds, my imperfections…He saw my heart not my sins. He saw my brokenness, and He caught my many tears and wept. He has been in the dark recesses of my heart – clearing a path for the light. I’m finally understanding that these were my circumstances, and yes, they were awful. No, I didn’t make the best choices…but these circumstances never defined me. My identity has never been tied to what I did or didn’t do. That is very freeing.
Psalm 23: The Lord is my shepherd; I have all that I need. He lets me rest in green meadows; he leads me beside peaceful streams. He renews my strength. He guides me along right paths, bringing honor to his name. Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me. You prepare a feast for me in the presence of my enemies. You honor me by anointing my head with oil. My cup overflows with blessings. Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me all the days of my life, and I will live in the house of the Lord forever.
He prepares a feast for me in the presence of my enemies…my enemies are shame, guilt, worthlessness, sadness, anxiety, death, fatigue, emptiness. These enemies have haunted me since that dreadful time in my life, but it’s time to say goodbye to them…time to remove the shackles that I’ve been dragging around. May I have the faith and love of Paul and Silas moving forward, and may I always grab ahold of my Love for my Savior in remembrance of all that He has brought me through…famine and feast…and know who I am.
Today I tell you that I am the daughter of a King. I am the mom of three children: Paxton Ann, Geneva Grace and Jack Charles. My babies are the lucky ones – they are being raised with God and the angels and will never know anything except for Love. One day I will be with them all, but for now and always, I will hold them in my heart and love them with all that I am.
The truth is what sets us free, and as scary as it is to hit publish on this post, I know it’s what I need to do. It is my sincere prayer that other ladies with similar struggles will be led here and will find healing in these words…most importantly, I pray that they will find themselves in the arms of a Savior that loves and adores them, and that they will know no shame as they gaze into His loving eyes.
ON AUGUST 30, 2015 B
Chuck and I went to see War Room yesterday afternoon. To say it did not disappoint is an understatement…it awakened my heart…it renewed my love affair with Jesus. It reminded me of the power of passionate and deeply heart-felt prayer.
I couldn’t wait to see this movie when I saw the previews. Nothing gets my spirit stirred like passion and prayer. This movie was filled with that. It’s amazing what being vulnerable with God does in people’s lives. That is what brings out our true Joy…vulnerability and real relationship with Christ.
A couple of months ago Chuck and I were sitting on the beach basking in the serenity and beauty of God’s work, and I explained to him what I wanted for our family…what I wanted for our marriage…what I wanted for our lives. I guess that may sound strange as we have been married for 10 years, but this life is a journey and a process, and through the process of this journey, I realized what my true heart’s desire really is. It was a hard thing to explain, but after seeing this movie Chuck understood with his heart everything that I told him that night on the beach. My true heart’s desire is to commune with Jesus…to revel in the romance of Him…to dance in the adoration of Him…to feel His gaze deep within my soul…to live my life with Him in every moment. I want our home and our decisions to be led by Him. I want to experience intimacy with Him with my husband. I want the three of us to be so intertwined…like perichoresis – a fellowship of three co-equal beings perfectly embraced in love and harmony and expressing an intimacy that no one can humanly comprehend. If He is for us, who can be against us? As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord. These are my heart’s desires. If I have this, I have everything!
This movie encouraged us to start our own war room…something we started at the beginning of our marriage and somehow put down as life got in the way. I can’t wait to start the next chapter with my husband…I absolutely can’t wait. My heart is overflowing – my cup runneth over. I love the simplicity of my heart’s greatest desire. I love that I have had it all along…I just needed to lay some other things down that were getting in the way.
I wish I could relay through this post all of the sweet things God is doing in our lives. I find myself excited with the faith and happiness of a child. I find that I can’t stop smiling with my face or my heart. This journey is so beautiful. This dance is so soft and tender. My prayer is that everyone would find this Romance and know this Love!
When the music fades
All is stripped away
And I simply come
Longing just to bring
Something that’s of worth
That will bless Your heart
I’m reminded of these lyrics today. This is from one of my favorite songs “The Heart of Worship.” It definitely means different things to me in different seasons.
I long for things to be stripped away. ‘Stripped Away’ is a recurring theme in my life these days. As I sit here and put these words on paper, that becomes obvious to me.
I long for simple things…love, laughter, life. I long for intimacy – meaningful relationships that are built of substance. I’ve become less tolerant of fluff. Life is too short to cloud it with things that just don’t matter. I want to soak up every moment and feel it with my whole heart.
Over the past 10 years God has been stripping away false identities that I have carried my whole life. I’m at a point now of feeling so much freedom and joy, but I realize that I have over-complicated my life with things/people that just don’t add happiness to it. These lyrics remind me of the joy found in just being still and experiencing His love and witnessing His beauty in the most simple places. That is what my heart truly longs for, and I’m on a mission to find my buried Treasure and enjoy it in all its splendor. When the music fades and all is stripped away, all will be right with my world!
I’ve always heard that we must forgive, and I know what the scripture says. After years of feeling guilty for not forgiving people in my heart though I desperately wanted to, I began to pray about this topic. What I realized is that we should have a forgiving heart, but we can’t help how we feel. When someone wounds us, it takes time to heal. God can handle the truth – He already knows our heart. This was one of the most freeing revelations to me. I’ve had situations in my life where I was so wounded that I didn’t think I would ever get past the pain. When you feel deep pain like that, you want the person that put you in that state to hurt too…not the most Godly thing to say out loud, but it is truth nonetheless. We are, after all, humans. At the end of the day, it’s what we do with that hurt and pain that matters. There have been several instances where I had to pray for years – I mean years – lots of them, for God to heal my pain and take away my bitter heart. I had to distance myself from the people that hurt me as they weren’t sorry for their actions and had no intention of trying to redeem the situation. Honestly, how do wounds heal when there is no redemption? That would be like expecting a cut to heal and close even though you never got the dirt and bacteria out of it…it just simply doesn’t happen. When people hurt you and don’t seem to care, only God can heal the wound. It will take however long it takes…it will happen in God’s timing. I can tell you that it truly was my heart not to be bitter, and I purposely put distance between myself and those that hurt me so that I wouldn’t act in an ungodly manner, and more so that I would have the time and space to heal in God’s timing. Honestly, it’s not a pleasant state to be in – bitterness only hurts you…not the person that did the hurting.
Forgiveness itself isn’t a choice. Your heart can’t just choose to forgive no matter what your head does. Your actions and your petitions to God are your choices. You intentionally choosing to persevere no matter how long it takes to heal is your choice.
Have freedom in knowing that God can handle your broken heart, and He will nurse it back to health in His timing with the love and compassion that only He can give. Guard against bitter actions by praying, praying again and praying some more.
Sometimes those relationships are redeemed though it just may be years later. Sometimes those relationships aren’t. The one thing that always stands true is that God WILL heal your heart with His loving touch in His perfect timing!
Why Do People Have to Be So Mean?
ON AUGUST 4, 2015 B
This is truly not a rant. I’m honestly quite brokenhearted by the lack of compassion and empathy of people. I don’t understand how people can be mean for mean’s sake -just to intentionally hurt others! That is straight from the pits of hell. I’ve been on the receiving end of such meanness more times than I care to count. It cuts to the quick, and honestly, it is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to get over.
I saw the picture above on Facebook, and for whatever reason, it healed something in my heart from one of these deep wounds – one that I had been trying to get over for 5 years. It’s not that I think I’m better than anyone else…I truly don’t. I do, however, know that I will never be like the people who do this to others…my mind nor my heart works that way. It just isn’t how I am wired, and it’s foreign to me. Through this picture I realized that it is my choice to walk away from this kind of behavior and simply not to tolerate it. The behavior of others doesn’t define me…it never did. It’s like there is a pool of witchcraft that people like this choose to swim in…I choose to not be a part of it. That is freeing. I love how in an instant, years of heartache disappear with just a sweet touch…a sweet whisper! There is reward with perseverance!
ON JULY 9, 2015
It felt like we would never get there…the drive was endless. Traffic jams, torrential down pours, and various other deterrents kept getting in the way. Exhaustion ensued many hours before the 17 hour drive was over.
Finally around 11:30pm, we arrived. The vacation could officially begin. We had finally arrived at the beach; my favorite place of all places. We quickly unloaded the car, and I could hardly wait to walk out to the ocean.
Ah – at last – there it was in all its splendor…just as magnificent as the last time I gazed upon it…maybe even more so this time.
The odd thing was that as I approached the ocean, my spirit quickened. I felt nervous. My heart felt weighted down – I wasn’t sad – I just felt heavy.
The lighthouse was aglow with its light flickering across the ocean. The moon was so bright; its light dancing across the water. I felt like I had just stepped into a magical movie set. The air was still except for a gentle breeze that lightly caressed my cheek. I quite literally felt like I was in heaven. I felt like I had entered God’s throne room – the Holy of Holies.
Genesis 1:2 Now the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters.
Magical, serene, beautiful, raw, vulnerable, naked, unashamed – these are the words that described my emotions and feelings. It was magnetic really – my sense of belonging there – our spirits intertwined, dancing to the melody of the breeze as the night was beautifully illuminated by the moonlight. I won’t soon forget that night, and I eagerly await the next dance and the next time I will get to feel my heart soar like that!
I had a dream…
I woke up just after midnight – the time on the clock stood out to me. I also woke up squeezing the covers in my hands trying to kill the lion (thank God Eddie wasn’t near me – I could have hurt him in my sleep).
So the dream took place in LaGrange in the exact house where I grew up from age 8 – college. I was married to Chuck, and we were living there. We had a dog that was older and big…he was laying across the street in the neighbor’s yard (much like my childhood dog used to do). I glanced out the window as I was just going about my business perfectly content when I saw a lion outside.
It was mangy looking. At first glance I saw hanging in its mane just below the head on the front of the neck, a skeleton with valves hanging from it (like heart valves – a red one for sure…maybe a yellow one in addition. There were 2 valves). Then the lion turned around and the same skeleton and valves were in the hair around his tail. The first thing I thought was that lion is going to kill my dog. I started yelling for Chuck and ran outside to get my dog inside…it was a race to beat the lion, and I was frantic. Chuck never answered or acknowledged me. I tried to get the dog to run, but he wouldn’t get up at all – no sense of harm or urgency. So I started pulling him, but he was too big, and I couldn’t get him to come – all the while the lion was approaching. I was still screaming for Chuck and looking at the open front door and nothing – Chuck was nowhere to be found.
I put my arms around the dog when all of a sudden the lion was in my face. So it was me with my dog in my arms – my dog’s head by my head and the lions head by my dog’s head. I was so scared because I knew he was going to kill my dog (I wasn’t concerned for my own safety). Next thing I know I decide I have to try to kill the lion even though I think it’s impossible. I start grabbing for his throat and saying to myself that I can do it, I can do it (because I hate to harm anything and it was gross, but I was desperate). Then I woke up grasping the covers thinking it was the lion’s throat.
This dream was stock piled with revelations – the answers to years of prayers. God showed me through this dream where the irrational fear and anxiety that I have felt since childhood was born. The fear ended after this revelation. Through this dream, God connected me to my father in a new way…for the first time I felt a connection to him as an adult even though I was 8 when he died. Through this dream God showed me just how discerning I have always been even when I was too young to understand it. This dream set me free on so many levels, and I’m so thankful.
OLDER POSTS
I sit here on New Year’s Eve definitely ready to wrap up 2014. It hasn’t been the worst year of my life, but it hasn’t been the best (not even sure what the best would be – maybe it will be 2015). My heart feels heavy and consumed with certain things. I feel a strong sense that I need to let those things go – leave them with 2014 and not look back on them as I start 2015. 2014 has been a year of survival for me…holding my breath trying to get through hoping the hammer wouldn’t fall. I became so accustomed to things going wrong in 2013 that it set the tone for 2014. No hammer fell on me – yet it was still a hard year…I waded through a lot of things – things that felt like thick sludge – was a long, slow journey – as I hashed things out emotionally and physically.
The things I need to leave behind with 2014 (and I wholeheartedly give these things to God – His to gently lay down and blow away like old dust):
1. Bitterness and hurt towards people that have deeply wounded me. I pray blessings for these people and truly pray that God will make my heart light and happy for them as they receive blessings. I pray that I may see everyone through the lens of God – not through the lens of my hurt.
2. Negative outlook about myself – for the first time in years I feel a strong resolve to be healthy physically by eating right and exercising…however, I don’t want to feel good about myself because I think I look better. I want to feel good about myself because the weight loss means leaving things in my past along with the fat – leaving my past in my past – the hurt, the anxiety, the fear, the loss, the longing.
3. Fear of death or things to come (mainly death of others I love)…but I do always look behind my back waiting for someone to murder me or attack me – so very strange. I need to give that fear to God and leave it behind. I pray I would see the people that I suspect of hurting me through the lens of God as well…I pray that as I look at them, they would receive the love of God through my gaze – that it would make them feel warm and loved.
4. I leave behind the need to take care of everyone making sure everyone is safe and doesn’t feel lonely. All I can do is pray for those people and leave it up to God.
5. Negativity about my circumstances. I hope to live and understand that God is in all of my circumstances even when I don’t feel Him. It is my true desire to wake up every day and feel joy and happiness as I look expectantly towards my day – towards my dance with my Love. Every day there will be a new and special encounter…new because it’s a new day…special because every encounter is. I pray that my life will be a dance – melodic and filled with love and deep emotion, a quiet passion, a softness, and grace always.
I shed the things of my past…they no longer need to hurt me. All of those things are nailed to the cross. Tonight I cut the cords of the things that have weighted me down – like balloons being held down by sand…the sand is gone…now I will float through this world with pure freedom, happiness – giggling my way through this life with joy that I never imagined possible. What a beautiful journey I have ahead…no idea what waits for me in this life on earth, but I do know I’m not ever alone. The lover of my heart, soul and spirit will be dancing with me, leading me into forever, giggling with me.
I’m ready for 2015 – although I’m ready for new things, I don’t want to delete the old things – those things have brought me wisdom – they have built me up and torn me down – 2015 is more a year to take off and fly…to use the foundation of everything God has instilled in me for all of my life really, but even more so for the past 11 years.
I shall label 2015 my greatest dance – here’s to the music of my heart flowing effortlessly completely intertwined with my greatest Love.
This post has been on my heart for quite some time, but I have been avoiding it…not entirely sure why – guess I just haven’t felt like going there emotionally.
When I look in the mirror – this is what I see:
– an aging woman
– a woman with entirely too much fat around the middle (big gut)
– a woman with too much cellulite
– a woman with fat arms
– a woman with a fat face
– a huge nose
– a woman that looks tired and worn out
All of that is a little hard to take because the first time I ever felt acceptance was because of my looks. I just don’t know how to reconcile everything in my head.
What I value the most about myself is my heart and my character – not my looks – it has never been my looks that mattered to me. Honestly, I think it would have been easier to never have been accepted because of my looks – could have saved me a lot of heartache, and maybe I wouldn’t have these struggles that I have today.
I get annoyed when I see size 2, 4 and 6 women talk about being fat and being on a diet. I get annoyed because I REALLY need to be on a diet – I should have the right to say that – not them. Funny thing is – when I was their size, I said it too. I hate that society does that to us as women…I believe we should be healthy, but I just wish so much emphasis wasn’t placed on being a stick figure. What happened to values and morals and things of substance? Where are those things?
I complain, yet I can’t remove myself from the stigma – and I hate that!
Here’s what I know about all of my extra fat – it has been my crutch for the past 9 years. I ate due to anxiety – I ate due to depression – I ate because I didn’t know what to do with my dashed hopes and dreams. My fat represents my babies in heaven – the ones that I will never see on this earth. My fat represents all of the death I’ve seen in my life. My fat represents the times I have felt so lost on this earth – so aimless – so without purpose. My fat represents my heartaches – and God knows there have been so many that I can’t keep up with them…honestly, I shouldn’t keep up with them. I’ve given them to God – and His they shall remain. I shouldn’t hate the fat or hate what my body has become – I should look at it and be happy that I came through all of these years so in tact with a Savior who loves and adores every single millimeter of me. My body doesn’t represent who or what I am…I wish when I looked in the mirror I would see character, faith, hope and perseverance – that is what my body represents…trials, hurt, pain, dark times. It also represents the sweetest moments of my life – the moments that I was cradled in Love while I laid in a ball on the floor crying my eyes out – comforted beyond belief. I have walked through so much in this body. This body represents my story – and my story is so beautiful. I wouldn’t trade my story, my journey, for anything. I wouldn’t trade my heart or my mercy for anything. I wouldn’t trade my love for God for anything! That love is the single greatest gift I have ever received…my love for Him and His love for me – I can’t even describe the depths of it – I can’t describe the passion and the compassion – I can’t describe the tenderness – I can’t describe the grace, the beauty, the elegance – I can’t describe the dance, the glances, the rhythm.
It is my prayer that when I look in the mirror all I will see is God’s love for me…I pray that I will see myself through the lens of God.
I do need to lose some weight for health reasons, but I truly want to lay down any other reasons…it has been like yen/yang in my mind….trying to go back to being the person I was (the girl accepted because she was so pretty) except I hated being that girl – so why in the world do I long for it so much? It’s such an internal battle. Truthfully, I love who I am now. I love being 44 – I embrace my journey – I embrace the things God has shown me. I walk in full confidence as who God created me to be on the inside…I just haven’t been able to get the outside to match up.
It is my hope and prayer that I will lay this down as I publish this post…that I will quit trying to shed something that is part of me…that I will move forward loving myself as God loves me…that I will move forward in beauty, grace and elegance.
I know that this is my body – my earth suit. It carries me – a Spirit being that has a soul. My body doesn’t define me; my Spirit does – my soul does. I will walk forward in all 3 parts – leaving no parts behind until God calls me home. I’m going to love and appreciate all 3 parts…I think the healthiest perspective moving forward is agreeing to show my body some love (nourish it correctly with healthy things)…feels much better to think of it that way than to keep rejecting it and trying to get rid of it. So onward I go…
Not sure why I felt led to title this blog post in the third person, but I did, so it shall be.
Grace. 1) Grace: Synonyms: Elegance, loveliness, and beauty. 2) Meaning: admired 3) Biblically: God’s favor
Grace is found 170 times in the King James Version of the Bible.
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Earlier this year I started a Christian counseling course – one that I felt led not to finish – but, nonetheless, one of the things that stood out for me before I stopped going was that God sometimes gives us a new name…I thought about that, and I was quite sure God had not given me a new name. I know that God does, in fact, give us new names. Look at Abraham, Sarah and Paul from the Bible. Clearly in this case our new name is more of a term of endearment that has a special meaning between you and God as no one else starts calling you that.
Well, for my birthday this year, Chuck surprised me with a zip lining adventure in Blue Ridge, GA. Neither of us had ever done it. We really lucked out – it ended up being only us and 1 other couple on our course. None of us had ever zip lined. We flew through the 2 hour course in 1 hour and 15 minutes. The other couple was a lot of fun. I particularly liked the girl…she laughed and screamed every single time she zipped. Her laughter was contagious. I apparently nailed a smooth and graceful landing pretty much every time. The girl looked at me and said, “Your new name is Grace” and I told her that her new name was Fun. And there you have it…just like that…my NEW name.
And as I sit here and write I get answers…Her Name is Grace – that’s what God says when he points me out to his beloveds in heaven. That’s why I was led to write it in third person.
I ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT! When I read the definition of Grace – that is how I’ve always wanted to be known – Graceful, Elegant, Lovely, Beautiful…not that I ever thought any of those things about myself, but that is always what I’ve wanted to be. Maybe, just maybe, I am all of those things :).
My grandmother’s name was Geneva Grace. Every single story I’ve ever heard about her embodies all of the definitions above. I never met her – she died when my mom was a little girl. Funny, I’ve always felt a connection with her. I look like her, and I certainly love the Lord like she did. Can’t wait to meet her.
Our daughter in heaven is named Geneva Grace Gardner – GG for short. I imagine she is all of those things too. I can’t wait to meet her one day.
What a heritage! I feel blessed. I feel chosen. I feel adored.
I will always be thankful for God’s grace. I will always be thankful that I am God’s Grace!
Where to begin…I just spent the last hour sobbing hysterically. I’m not sure my heart has ever hurt so badly. Clearly, it has definitely been extremely wounded, but I didn’t know how to handle the pain of long ago – I had no outlet for it, so I buried it deep, deep inside. Every painful thing that happened afterward just pushed the initial pain that much deeper until that entire spot in my heart became numb. I guess God has been digging out all of those wounds for the past number of years. I’ve been through so much healing, I didn’t know there could be this much more, truly. I guess tonight was the night to dig out the ultimate wound from the ultimate heartache. Man it hurt. It is also such a needed relief…crying like that sucked, yet it felt so good at the same time. I know these sound like crazy words…that part of this makes me giggle. Glad to see God brought out my twisted humor even through this. One of the many things I adore about Him – He knows how to comfort me through my tears, Dance with me through my joy, and laugh with me through it all. He surely knows how much laughter I need to make up for – where so much was stolen.
I saw a picture tonight on Facebook – that single picture touched my deepest nerve and really agitated it. I knew it made me sad, but more than that it put me in the biggest funk. I couldn’t put my finger on exactly why. The picture was of Truett Cathy in the hearse riding by Chick-Fil-A headquarters. I think the saddest part of that picture for me was reading the words of his son – something about his dad taking a final ride to the corporate office. Over and over again lately it has hit me that death is so final. I recently lost a friend of mine – granted I had not seen him in 15 years at least – but knowing he was no longer on this earth hurt my heart in a way I couldn’t explain. Finally tonight, while watching TV there was a traumatic family scene, and looking into the eyes of the actor felt like I was looking straight into my own soul. That’s when the water works started. I’m still not sure I understand all of what’s going on – maybe I never will – maybe God is just touching these things and healing these deep hurts so I can be free to really experience everything I’m meant to. I know in my heart of hearts that this is a season of my life for true freedom, to really experience the desires of my heart, and to let all of the pain go leaving only beauty…kind of like beauty for ashes I suppose.
What I do know is that the combination of all of these things took me back to being 8 year old Kelley – the Kelley that had to watch her daddy leave this earth without truly getting to say goodbye. I was so scared that he was lonely and hurting…the mere thought of that I think burst a hole in my heart. My uncle took me on a walk to get me away from the house where everyone was visiting and grieving. He told me years later that I asked him if it hurt to die. Such a profound question for an 8 year old – even back then my mercy gift was almost more than I could bare. I remember asking one of the girls in my family (I can’t remember if it was my mom’s baby sister or my cousin) what happened after I left the cemetery. I needed a play by play of what happened when they put my dad’s casket into the ground. I remember this now, and I truly see how big my heart has always been – always worried about those I love – always wanting to make sure they feel no pain. What I realized is that I was in so much pain myself and carried so much worry. I didn’t have a clue how to deal with it, so I never did. I just moved on and survived the best way I could. I definitely did that with a black spot in my heart – a black spot full of nothing but death – that part of my heart had died.
After all of these years, God showed me the most beautiful picture. In the picture was me as a little girl holding His hand. He was slightly in the air, and above Him was my dad – very much alive and happy. God was showing me that we are always connected. My dad never was alone and scared. Before he took his last breath, God had him in his arms whisking him away to the most beautiful place of all places – the land of complete happiness. I truly believe that after they started the journey to heaven, my dad’s earthly body took its last breath. That gives me so much peace and so much joy.
I realized tonight that cemeteries seem like such a sad and morbid place – a reminder of loss and pain. Really graves are memorials – a tribute to the people we have loved and what they meant in our lives. It’s a memorial to say we will never forget them. It’s not a place to be sad. It’s a place to remember the beautiful things, the fun things, the precious things. Our loved ones were never even there – just their earth-suit.
All of this gives my weary soul rest and makes my heart smile in places that were counted as dead. Looking forward to the precious things that will fill that hole…
Starting at the age of 8 my life has been full of one traumatic incident after another. I was always amazed that I made it through each and every struggle without having a bitter heart or feeling like I needed redemption because of what I had been through. I was able to gracefully walk through everything and come out on the other side. Nothing was able to keep me down. I never understood where that came from. Eventually I went through something that I couldn’t get back up from…I really didn’t understand because on a larger scale, what knocked me down paled in comparison to everything else I had been through in my life. I finally realized that it was God letting me hit rock bottom. I had to hit rock bottom to realize that I wasn’t self sufficient, and that I needed Him. I always loved Him, but I never thought I needed Him or anyone else (product of other wounds). Once this realization took root in my heart, the most awesome journey began. I say awesome, because it really has been that grand. It has also been very painful…but in the midst of that pain, there has always been freedom.
This knock-down and revival of sorts happened in 2003 – 11 years ago. I went from the pits of depression and despair to finding passion, compassion and a fire for life – all in the safety of the greatest Love I’ve ever known. I’ve been on a spiritual walk where I have shed so many false identities and really discovered who I was made to be. There is so much freedom in that. I love that God is perfecting us always.
I realized something this week. Hope is what always got me through every painful situation. Through my pain, I always knew there was something more – there had to be. I’ve always been so full of Hope even through every heartache. Honestly, if I hadn’t had that Hope I don’t think I would be here right now. Hope saved my life. Hope kept me reaching for more. Hope wouldn’t let me give up.
I had the deepest revelation today straight from the words of Beth Moore – a perfect picture of my heart: pain and beauty tangled in a big knot called Hope. That pain and hope have been intertwined in my heart since I was a little girl – getting more and more knotted up along the way but never separating. The beauty that’s there is my deepest love, adoration and affection for my Lord and Savior – my greatest Hope! The pain is all of the dreadful circumstances that I’ve had to walk through. I feel like I have climbed up on top of the tallest mountain, and I’m looking back over my life. I feel like it has been an achievement getting to this point. I feel peace. I feel grief. I feel joy. I feel warmth. Honestly, I just feel like I need to rest on the top of this mountain for a moment…feeling the dew of the clouds brush across my face, smelling the sweet scent of my Savior and Love, resting my weary but relaxed head in His warmth.
It’s time to let go of the pain…where only faith, hope and love remain. I’ll rest here on this mountain for just a brief moment – then I will get up and go with my Love on what will be the greatest climb of my life!