Category: Faith

Unashamed

On By kelleydgardnerIn Faith, freedom, hope, Jesus, TruthLeave a comment

I’ve been reading Unashamed by Christine Caine.  I’m only on Chapter 5…usually I fly through books, but this is one to take slowly, to absorb all that God is showing you.  Funny, I bought the book because I knew it would be good, but foolishly I thought there wasn’t possibly any other major thing that God could heal in me.  I was so wrong, and I’m so thankful that I was.

I’ve had intimacy issues throughout my marriage…the one place I should never feel  shame.  My husband has always been so patient, understanding and so loving.  There have been times in my past where the thought of being intimate with him crippled me with fear – it wasn’t all the time – it was very sporadic.  Every time I feel this fear, God is about to heal something in me.  God showed me early in our marriage that I had been molested when I was a little girl – I had repressed it.  That was definitely part of the problem, but it wasn’t all of it.  He long ago healed me from that.  There have been some other things I have walked through that left me very broken hearted.  God has been healing these things one at a time.  As I was reading Unashamed, my Spirit felt heavy, and I felt that same familiar feeling – God was tugging at me showing me that I had a wound that was still buried.  He showed me on the spot exactly where it came from – it came from an unhealthy relationship in my past.  I thought I had been healed from that…I had shared all of these things long ago with my husband intentionally because I know that truth brings light to darkness.  I didn’t realize that I still carried the shame from it.  What I discovered yesterday is that it was not even my shame to carry – it was shame that I attached to myself and wore as my own.  I had been exposed to some sexual perversion as a child from someone very influential in my life…I wasn’t part of these acts – I just saw them by mistake (mainly because things were left out where they shouldn’t have been).  These things made me feel dirty, and they gave me a completely different feeling about this person.  I thought this person was dirty.  I realized that this particular relationship that God was showing me from my past, though not perverse at all, made me identify with this person, and I put the filth on myself.  I was dirty from then until yesterday.  Yesterday God showed me a picture of myself from high school…I was such a pure, good girl.  God showed me that is who I am – I have always been that sweet, innocent girl.  That’s my heart – regardless of any relationship I have been in – my heart has always been pure.

I’m so excited about what God is doing in all of His daughters’ lives!  Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is Freedom!  I pray that God would use this book to heal something in every single person that reads it!

 

Spring is an oxymoron

On By kelleydgardnerIn Faith1 Comment

Warning – this post will probably end up being quite melancholy.

Even though the first official day of spring hasn’t arrived yet, it is definitely spring.  The temps in Atlanta have been nearing 80 degrees for the past couple of days.  Pollen coats everything around.

Spring is my absolute favorite season, but each year as it starts, I feel a deep sadness.  I always think that sadness will eventually subside and not rear its ugly head EVERY year, but it never does.  It shows up like clockwork when the temps get warm.

There is nothing like feeling a warm breeze caress your face in the early morning of spring.  Spring is supposed to be the beginning of life…April showers bring May flowers.  Spring symbolizes hope.  Do you know how weird it is to feel a deep ache in your heart at the same time that you feel so filled with hope?  Do you know how weird it is to enter a season of all things blooming and to bask in the glory of that while at the same time feeling so much death and stillness?  It’s something I have struggled with since 1979.  The struggle has changed much since then…not sure that I always felt hope…that began more recently like in the past 8 years or so.  I used to only feel death (even though I always loved spring).

God has shown me so many things over the years, and He has healed so much in my heart. I’m at peace with my daddy’s death now – I still miss him, and I can’t wait to see him again, but I’m at peace.  Honestly, I’m at peace with everything in my life – all things – good, bad and just okay things.

It’s so odd when I feel that first taste of warmth…when I look up and feel the heat saturate my face when there is just a slight bit of coolness in the air…and then that old familiar feeling in the pit of my stomach happens…followed by the old familiar feeling deep in my heart.  That feeling is death.  Death of my greatest loves…my daddy, Samson and my children in heaven.  I have a place in my heart where I carry all of them, and usually they are tucked so neatly away in a safe, safe place…but when spring comes, that place in my heart flings wide open, and I remember how much I miss all of them.  After spring has settled in, the deep sadness subsides, and my ache for those I’ve lost is tucked away again.  It’s not just an ache for those I’ve lost, but it’s an ache for hopes and dreams that were shattered and will never be on this side of eternity.

This time of year always makes me reflect and ponder things.  Today I was driving with the windows down enjoying the sweet breeze, and I was remembering my time in school.  I can’t help but miss sometimes the sweet innocence of those days…the hope of life that lies ahead…the excitement of seeing your dreams come true…the feeling of belonging to a group of people known as your classmates and together thinking you are all invincible.  There is such a bond that is formed among your classmates even if you don’t stay in touch over the years…or maybe that’s just a country high school thing :).  I think about the folks I went to school with, and all I remember is the fun and simple times with them.  They were a special group of people.  They represented my youth.  They represented my hope.  They represented my dreams.  Those days hold such sweet memories for me…(even though I wouldn’t want to repeat them for the world).  You tend to take those moments for granted when you are in them.  Life goes by so fast.

Sometimes it’s hard to catch my breath…sometimes I just need to sit still and soak in everything…memorize moments that I might need to recall later in life.  Sometimes the sting of death takes over and makes me fear the future…even though in my heart of hearts I know that God will see me through anything.

I dedicate this post to those I love…those that I carry in my heart always.  My sadness only means I loved you THAT much!  Until we meet again…

 

 

 

 

Everything Under The Sun

On By kelleydgardnerIn Faith, hope, Jesus, TruthLeave a comment

We recently  moved, and as I was packing up our old house, I found a notebook in which I had written this post in 2008.  It was the only thing in the entire notebook.  I’ve certainly grown a lot since I wrote this, but it amazes me knowing where I was at in my life at that point that these words flowed.  This post intrigued me so I wanted to share it here.  There is so much wisdom here – so much truth!  Still a timely piece.

Everything Under The Sun – Memories have faded ~ and with them so have pieces of your heart.

Rainy days, lullabies, memories of days gone by. A smile, a hello ~ where has all of the time gone?  So much has changed.  The face that stares back at you still resembles pictures of your youth ~ where did all of those grey strands come from?  When did those creases appear?  You don’t recall them being there yesterday.  Your heart feels sad, but you don’t understand why.  You choose not to relive the days of old ~ some of them were just too painful.  Then again ~ to be able to visit those moments that you wish you could have frozen in time ~ to see their faces again ~ to be in their arms ~ to open those areas of your heart that you closed off ~ what would that be like?

You reminisce of favorite moments ~ there are so many moments that defined you ~ but how many moments did you define?  There are moments that took your breath away ~ there are moments that warmed your heart.  You wonder how many moments you impacted for others.  How many lives and hearts have you touched without even being aware?  Sometimes you  just sit and wonder what your purpose is in life ~ sometimes you think you may know, and other times you just keep moving forward without a clue.  There are things that you do know for certain.  Perhaps this is where most of your time should be spent in reflection.  You know that your heart has never changed.  It has been wounded, scarred and closed off throughout your life.  But do you remember your youth?  Do you remember the tenderness and the love you felt?  It is still there ~ You strive for that feeling everyday of your life.  You long for what you know is true.  All of the bad layers can be peeled away ~ closed areas can be opened again.  Your heart is beautiful.  It was created with such a deep love.  It was created and admired as being good and perfect.  Even if you hide your heart, there are those that still see its beauty.  Find peace in that.  Find peace in the things that don’t ever change.

Have you ever had a moment when everything was still and silent and you felt consumed with peace?  That feeling can always be felt if you just close your eyes and relive that moment.

Sometimes life is so hard.  You have so many dreams and desires ~ you have faith that you will see them fulfilled.  Dreams give you hope to keep going and keep reaching.  But how do you enjoy where you are and count the present time as a blessing?  You have to give your dreams and desires to the one that gave them to you in the first place.  You have to fix your eyes and your heart on your first True Love.  You have to give Him all of your burdens, all of your worries, all of your pain.  You simply have to love Him with pure abandon ~ worship Him with the heart He gave you.  Follow Him and know that He won’t lead you astray.  Define your moments with your truth and convictions.  Stand firm and walk in truth and light.  Define your moments – don’t let them define you!  Only your True Love defines you – and that was done before the beginning of time.  Reflect on what is good and pure and true ~ search for THAT in your heart!  It has always been and always will be!  Yesterday – today and tomorrow!

 

War Room

On By kelleydgardnerIn Faith, hope, JesusLeave a comment

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Chuck and I went to see War Room yesterday afternoon.  To say it did not disappoint is an understatement…it awakened my heart…it renewed my love affair with Jesus.  It reminded me of the power of passionate and deeply heart-felt prayer.

I couldn’t wait to see this movie when I saw the previews.  Nothing gets my spirit stirred like passion and prayer.  This movie was filled with that.  It’s amazing what being vulnerable with God does in people’s lives.  That is what brings out our true Joy…vulnerability and real relationship with Christ.

A couple of months ago Chuck and I were sitting on the beach basking in the serenity and beauty of God’s work, and I explained to him what I wanted for our family…what I wanted for our marriage…what I wanted for our lives.  I guess that may sound strange as we have been married for 10 years, but this life is a journey and a process, and through the process of this journey, I realized what my true heart’s desire really is.  It was a hard thing to explain, but after seeing this movie Chuck understood with his heart everything that I told him that night on the beach.  My true heart’s desire is to commune with Jesus…to revel in the romance of Him…to dance in the adoration of Him…to feel His gaze deep within my soul…to live my life with Him in every moment.  I want our home and our decisions to be led by Him.  I want to experience intimacy with Him with my husband.  I want the three of us to be so intertwined…like perichoresis – a fellowship of three co-equal beings perfectly embraced in love and harmony and expressing an intimacy that no one can humanly comprehend.  If He is for us, who can be against us?  As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.  These are my heart’s desires.  If I have this, I have everything!

This movie encouraged us to start our own war room…something we started at the beginning of our marriage and somehow put down as life got in the way.  I can’t wait to start the next chapter with my husband…I absolutely can’t wait.  My heart is overflowing – my cup runneth over.  I love the simplicity of my heart’s greatest desire.  I love that I have had it all along…I just needed to lay some other things down that were getting in the way.

I wish I could relay through this post all of the sweet things God is doing in our lives.  I find myself excited with the faith and happiness of a child.  I find that I can’t stop smiling with my face or my heart.  This journey is so beautiful.  This dance is so soft and tender.  My prayer is that everyone would find this Romance and know this Love!