Category: Jesus

Begin Again

On By kelleydgardnerIn Faith, freedom, healing, hope, Jesus, WoundsLeave a comment

In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. John 1:1

I find myself in unfamiliar territory. So many things have changed drastically in the last few years…my pattern is to survive…get through everything that happens – just get to the other side and then try to process things. The problem is that I don’t think I’ve processed a single thing. I just keep going. Life just keeps moving – it always has, and it always will.

We recently said goodbye to our beloved fur babies, Baxter & Eddie. We had them for almost 14 years and they gave me a place to park my heart. After learning that I couldn’t have children, it was a difficult time for me. However, after about five years, I found solace in my faith and am now grateful for the beloved children I have in heaven, whom I will be reunited with for eternity, thanks to the Lord’s grace and healing. I had people tell me over the years that Baxter & Eddie are just “dogs”. To me they filled a void. I loved them with my whole mama’s heart! Those babies were pampered and cherished beyond belief. They became our family. To me they were never “just dogs”.

We lost Eddie in July of 2023, and we just lost Baxter this month. I struggled through Eddie’s death but had Baxter to focus on (and a job). Baxter was blind and mostly deaf and had a lot of health problems. He required a lot of attention and help. I resigned from corporate America in October of 2023. It wasn’t something I had planned on doing or even wanted to do. Things weren’t good at work. I had knots in my stomach every day for 3 months prior to resigning. This is usually God telling me to get out, but I just didn’t receive it at the time. Finally, things came to a head through very unpleasant and hurtful circumstances, and I knew without a doubt that God was telling me it was time to leave, so I did. I spent the next 4 months planning my life around Baxter’s schedule and needs. It has been 18 days since we said goodbye to him. I have no new normal yet. The house is so quiet, and I really don’t know what to do with myself. My heart is so broken.

What I’m realizing is that I spent most of my life surviving (as I mentioned in the first paragraph). I’ve lost lots of animals in my life. All of them were very beloved to me. This hit differently. It brought up some old wounds of not having children and no longer having these babies to love. All the changes in my life are bringing up different wounds. I’ve survived a bunch of years after my father’s death in 1979. Life kept going, and I kept going with it. I made lots of bad choices along the way (and some very good ones too – like accepting Jesus and marrying my wonderful husband). I also picked a career that I thought would please others. It didn’t please me at all. I was so unfulfilled for so many years. In my heart of hearts, I always just wanted to get married and be a mom. I took on all kinds of false identities, and we can never be happy unless we are living the life God intends for us…and by happy, I mean deep down in the depths of our hearts…not just the surfacy day to day living. Of course my life hasn’t been all sadness, but deep in my heart I’ve had lots of struggles. I remember myself before losing my dad. I was so different than who I became (out of surviving).

I’m realizing that I’m mourning so much more than the loss of my sweet fur babies right now. I’m mourning the loss of myself. I repressed a large period of time after my dad died…months in fact that I have no memories from whatsoever. I wonder if the way I’m feeling now (so grieved and heartbroken) is familiar to me because it is what I felt then. Right now I’m entrenched in so much stillness and quiet…I’m taking the time to grieve and spend time with God, and I’m fortunate that I have this time to do that. I know that “the latter is better than the former”. I know that God is redeeming so many things in my life. I’m happy that I get to begin again. I have walked a long journey, and God has refined me. I get to move forward taking the pure gold that remains from the fire while nailing the rest of the things that don’t belong to the cross. It is foreign to me to discover myself and what truly makes me happy as an adult. It was easy as a child…spending my days playing all kinds of games in the yard and roller skating. This sounds like a mid-life crisis as I type it, but it has been a life long crisis. I’m not sure where God is taking me, but I know it will be an adventure. I know He will heal my heart as He breathes His beautiful life breath into it. I hope the period of mourning won’t last much longer because it hurts. I find myself crying a little each day, but I know that He is faithful to catch my tears.

Stay tuned for the fun and adventure of what is ahead. I’m excited for all that God has for me. Joy does indeed come in the morning.

Letting Go…

On By kelleydgardnerIn Faith, freedom, healing, hope, Jesus, Love, Truth, WoundsLeave a comment

I sit here – having had knots in the pit of my stomach for the past two days…trying to determine if I’m upset about particular circumstances that have been wreaking havoc in my life (more so in my thoughts as they directly affect someone else’s life more than mine) or if these said circumstances are really hitting some kind of deeply rooted pain that I just don’t want to let bubble up from my gut to my reality. I know it is the latter of these two. It’s hard to face said root because it takes me to unfamiliar territory. This breeds both fear and excitement; fear because what in the world have I been doing for 52, almost 53, years…I’ve been living in a foreign bubble believing truths I needed to believe to think I was whole. It breeds excitement because I have a whole new world out there – one full of excitement and adventure – all of the things my heart has desperately been craving for so long.

Let’s get back to the fear…it has me questioning so many things…do I know how to love…I thought I did, but what if I’m like the others I thought loved me? Do I do that to others – tell them I love them and think I sincerely mean it but make them feel unloved? I hope with everything I am that I don’t. I know I don’t receive love particularly well. I pray for God to open my heart so I can live in abundant abandon with so much laughter, zeal, and energy. I pray that I not only live these things but also spread this love, zeal, and excitement. I want to love with reckless abandon and feel love with all of my heart – unguarded…just raw…knowing God will intersect and destroy all the evil arrows. These are my sincere prayers.

So I’m letting go…saying goodbye to the old hurts and false beliefs and jumping head first into a breathtakingly beautiful future that has already been paved by the greatest Love of all!

Glimpses of Her

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 I keep getting glimpses of this girl…she looks so familiar yet so foreign all at the same time.  This girl is a much younger version of me…she is me…or rather a shell of me.  I recognize her, and I remember the instances and the pain and for a very brief second, I feel the shame.  The shame only lasts a second now because I know that Jesus shamed shame on the cross.  This girl I see isn’t me…she is a very lost and confused version of me.  I ran for so many years…running away from pain and hurts all while creating more pain and hurts.  I hate that I wasted so much of my life.  I wonder how it would have turned out if I had only known the Truth.  I know that God uses all harm together for good for those that are called according to His purpose, so those years truly were not a waste.  They taught me empathy for others.  They taught me not to judge.  They taught me that we are all victims of something.  Ultimately, they taught me my worth.  They taught me not to settle for less than my worth.  They taught me that I am the daughter of God…I am cherished, adored and loved.  

I am very comfortable in my skin today, and I love who God made me to be.  I love living in the truth of who I am.  There is such a peace and freedom that marks your life when you realize that God is perfect, and He made you perfectly.  It doesn’t matter what anyone else says or thinks.  Who are they to question God’s masterpiece?

I won’t forget about this girl I see glimpses of – I’ll always recall her when I see others struggling and walking down the same path.  May God always give me eyes to see and a heart to nudge other women with the truth so they will also know that they are a perfect masterpiece – loved, cherished and adored!!

Character, Honor and Love

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Genesis 23: 1-6

When Sarah was 127 years old, she died at Kiriath-arba (now called Hebron) in the land of Canaan. There Abraham mourned and wept for her. Then leaving her body, he said to the Hittite elders, “Here I am, a stranger and a foreigner among you. Please sell me a piece of land so I can give my wife a proper burial.” The Hittites replied to Abraham, “Listen, my lord, you are an honored prince among us. Choose the finest of our tombs and bury her there. No one here will refuse to help you in this way.“

When I read this passage, I can feel the love others have for Abraham, a foreigner among the people. What an aspiration – to show the loving-kindness of God, the very character of God to strangers in such a way that they honor and revere you. Abraham shows so much character, honor, love, dignity. That is most noble of all legacies to leave. It makes my heart overflow knowing one day I will get to meet this prince among foreigners – the one with God’s favor – the one from whom all people come from – as his descendants are as numerous as the stars.

Genesis 23: 12-14

“O Lord, God of my master, Abraham,” he prayed, “Please give me success today, and show unfailing love to my master, Abraham. See, I am standing here beside this spring, and the young women of the town are coming out to draw water. This is my request. I will ask one of them, ‘Please give me a drink from your jug.’ If she says, ‘Yes, I have a drink, and I will water your camels, too!’ – let her be the one you have selected as Isaac’s wife. This is how I will know that you have shown unfailing love to my master.”

Even Abraham’s servant loved and cherished him – so much so that it was of great weight on his heart to successfully carry out Abraham’s wish for him to find the right wife for Abraham’s son, Isaac. Be still my heart! I hope I can live my life with a shred of this man’s character and honor. That would be my hope for a legacy – to leave a mark like that on peoples’ hearts – to show them their love and worth through the heart and eyes of our beautiful Lord and Savior – our Sweet Jesus!!

For Jesus

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You possess a beauty like none other ~ not just a physical beauty, but an internal beauty that radiates the most powerful rays of light – rays that are so penetrating – you can’t receive the warmth of that and ever be the same! Those rays light up my heart and leak water from my eyes. You make my heart so full that it’s overwhelming – like my heart could burst at any moment and just explode bits of love all into the atmosphere. I feel your joy at this – your beautiful face as you laugh with delight! You are my heart, and I adore you always!!

Peace Amidst the Storms

On By kelleydgardnerIn Faith, freedom, healing, hope, Jesus, Love, romance, TruthLeave a comment

I think it’s a safe assumption to say that life has been a bit hard for all over the past couple of years. We have experienced brand new upheaval as a country, as families and as individuals. Havoc has certainly been wreaked on all of our hearts in some form or another. I say this with breath that is bated, but it certainly feels like we are all coming up for air now…not just any air…but fresh, exhilarating air. It’s like this new freshness is reuniting our hearts as a country and as families. The media would have us believe otherwise, but in my heart I know we all want the core fundamental things in life – important things like love and unity, laughter and joy, health and wholeness. We really just want others to walk with us, understand us and empathize with where we are on our individual walks with loving kindness – even if we have a difference of opinions. These opinions and thoughts we all have are a gift from God. We are all uniquely wired and uniquely shaped based on our life experiences, but ultimately, we are commanded to love each other…certainly harder sometimes (and for some folks more than others).This week in the midst of the chaos of my life – chaos meaning the hustle and bustle of everyday living and all that is thrown at me professionally and personally, I had one of those profound moments in the busyness of my day – actually while I was driving…where I felt completely still for a moment, and all I could see surrounding me (like I was the center of the sun and around me was nothing but warmth and love). Jesus popped into my car, into my head and most importantly, into my heart. In that circle surrounding me, I felt so much warmth, so much peace and so much love. It was amazing and was the perfect touch from this Great Love of mine! He jumped in and filled up everything Satan has been depleting in my heart.

I’m so thankful for Jesus – not because He promises me things through His word – but mainly because He is my promise. He is constant. His love is constant…like a circular motion surrounding my chaos always. I love that Jesus gives us the desires of our hearts, but truthfully, Jesus is the desire of my heart! With Him I have EVERYTHING!

Mid-Life Crisis

On By kelleydgardnerIn Faith, freedom, healing, hope, Jesus, Love, Truth, WoundsLeave a comment

This title kind of makes me giggle, yet I’m very serious about the topic…I’m 49 – I will definitely have a long life if I’m mid-life right now (and I hope I do).

I haven’t struggled with any age in the past – I’ve embraced each decade with vigor and an appreciation for my wisdom. For some reason 49 has really bothered me. I wondered if 50 might bother me, and I’ll let you know when I get there…but I never expected to feel this way at 49.

I’m not having a mid-life crisis in the normal sense….or maybe it is only men that buy sports cars…I did color my hair platinum blonde a year+ ago (not my best idea)…maybe that was part of this crisis…

In all seriousness – my crisis is more about feeling like my life hasn’t had meaning and purpose. I know I have a God given purpose, but I surely don’t feel like I’ve been progressing towards that. I’ve truly been so buried in work for the past year and several months that I have totally lost sight of my purpose…mainly meaning I haven’t had the emotional bandwidth to write or pray like I should…I haven’t spent time with Jesus like I should….mainly because that is so emotional for me (the best kind of emotional ever), and I think subconsciously I knew if I stopped and crawled into His arms, that would be all she wrote…I couldn’t lose sight of all of my other obligations, so instead I lost sight of my first Love and myself.

I’m starting to come up for air now as the holidays approach. I have more staff to help me and more on the way, so I hope to end 49 with accomplishments that speak to my heart and point to Jesus! I’m trying to give more things to God rather than continuing to tightly grasp everything and plunge forward like a stick of dynamite is chasing me.

My heart is for ministry, and that is my long term goal and how I want my life to end. Jesus presses on my heart that the “sick need a doctor”. People that are unsaved need to know Jesus…but it doesn’t end there…that is truly the beginning of a different race – the race to know ourselves in Jesus – the race to know who we truly are underneath all of the false identities that life has thrown at us – and that we so easily picked up and carried. I want to be the one to nurture people back to health – spiritual and emotional health. I want people to be free and light and airy – to walk through this life in the glory of who God created them to be – free to fulfill their very own purpose.

I heard somewhere this week that God created each of us with something that is unique to only Him and us – that each of us resemble Him in our own special way. I don’t know if this is true – but what if it is…that would be something!

To end – I heard this scripture Sunday in church, and it brought my heart back to life – the medicine I needed for this mid-life crisis of mine…Job 42:12 “The Lord blessed the latter part of Job’s life more than the former part”. There is hope – there is time – everything has and will happen right on time – in His perfect timing.

Seeds – deeply buried in my soul

On By kelleydgardnerIn freedom, healing, hope, Jesus, LoveLeave a comment
Walter Archie Carter 1/6/1938-4/12/1979

Seeds of love, seeds of beauty, seeds of wholeness, seeds of your voice, seeds of your adoration, seeds of your delight…you’ve instilled in me all of these things…enough for them to last my lifetime without you being here with me…you’ve instilled these things in me so that I would be able to love with my whole heart and give away all of the beautiful things that you have given to me. No one should feel alone. No one should feel hopeless. No one should feel sad. No one should feel empty. That isn’t what was or is meant to be.

Yet I’ve carried this stillness filled with emptiness for all of these years – 40 to be exact…it was only today that I realized that I feel loved in portions but not in whole. That’s not the truth. The truth is that in 8 short years, you gave me EVERYTHING – all of your heart, all of your love, and it is only today that I find all of those things buried in my soul…those seeds have blossomed but I couldn’t see the blooms until today.

No more emptiness. No more deep sadness. Only a beautiful field covered in sunlight with a brightness and fragrance that would take anyone’s breath away. You were my gift, and you will always be my gift! I miss you so much and love you even more than you could ever fathom…even after 40 years of not being with you! Loving you with all that I am – for eternity!

Boundaries – the key to freedom

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Boundaries/Margins/Limits are probably things I’m going to be writing about for a few weeks.   I’m so blown away by the things God is imparting into my heart on this topic…I’m also so thankful for these simple, yet life altering, revelations.

I’ve always been someone that doesn’t rest well…I’ve never been good at being idle.  I’ve been programmed to feel (through life wounds and experiences) that if I’m idle, the ‘other shoe’ might drop and cause catastrophe in my life.  I’ve felt that if I’m on top of things (controlling my environment and the things I can control) I will bounce back more easily when something I can’t control goes wrong.  Can anyone else relate to this?

Priscilla Shirer in “Breathe” commented that in a sociological study when group A kids were given a playground with no fence or borders, they stayed bunched up together and didn’t venture out.  When group B kids were given a playground with fences, they combed every piece of the area, explored and had a great time.  This is how we should view boundaries…boundaries give us the freedom to explore knowing we are safe within our limits.  We won’t be consumed and get off track.  This is such a huge revelation to me.  

I’m learning that I don’t have to do everything TODAY.  I’m trying to define limits for myself around work and even home chores.  I’m learning that no chaos will ensue if I leave a few things undone that can be done tomorrow or later in the week or whenever.  God is giving me peace through showing me how to set limits…otherwise, I have no limits and I exhaust myself…never stopping because there is always something to be done.  It brings me so much joy to realize that work can stop when I determine work can stop…it leaves me time to do the things that are in my heart to do – the things that bring me true joy and fulfillment (going about my Father’s business, spending time with Jesus, praying for others, being in the Word, filling my Spirit) and various other things that I never allow myself enough time to do because I have been so busy trying to do all of the un-fun stuff that I thought was necessary.

I find that I’m excited when I get home from work because I’m going to take time just for myself – to do the things that make my heart dance.  It’s amazing.  I’m realizing that the things I leave on the table undone will still be there tomorrow…I’m realizing that if Jesus could feed the multitudes on a few loaves of bread, He will also give me the freedom to walk within my limits and still get everything done in time.

I’m thoroughly enjoying this newfound freedom and the peace and joy that come with it.  If you are like me and have struggled in these areas (taking time for rest/setting boundaries), please buy this book by Priscilla.  God is changing my life through it.  This GIFT of boundaries is for all of us, and it truly is a gift.  The sabbath was a gift to teach us how to not be in bondage or enslaved to others or things of this world.  The Sabbath is a “loving, gracious gift that would break the chains that remained inside of them” (the Israelites and their mindsets of being enslaved as it was all they ever knew).  That gets me excited and is a gift I wholeheartedly am receiving.

Who Do You Say I Am?

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Unknown

Who do you say I am….

Breathtaking, Beautiful, Truth, Peace, King, Lover of my soul, Brilliant, Amazing, The Word, Counselor, Son of God, Grace, Honesty, Purity, Gentle, Passionate, Consuming, Overwhelming, Magnificent, Splendor, Loving, Forgiving, Healer, Overcomer, Victorious, Strength, Shield, Protector, Encourager, Living Water, Refresher, Restorer, Redeemer, Deliverer, The Christ, Lord, Savior, Love, Courage, Wealth, Song, Eternal, Everlasting, Alpha, Omega, Present, Gift, Freedom, Compassionate, Warm, Loving, Dances with me, Warrior, Prayer, Interceder, Defeater, Far-stretched, Hope, Intimacy, Foundation, Rock, Salvation, Resurrection, Worthy, Everlasting, Beginning and End, Elegant, Sweet, Pursuer, Mercy, Truth, The Way, Life, Fun, Happy, Pleased, Beaming, Laughter, Tears, Doctor, Sword, Priest, Teacher, My Heart, Tender

I say You are the Christ! You are the one and only Son of God! You are My Lord & Savior! You are my life!