Category: Love

Letting Go…

On By kelleydgardnerIn Faith, freedom, healing, hope, Jesus, Love, Truth, WoundsLeave a comment

I sit here – having had knots in the pit of my stomach for the past two days…trying to determine if I’m upset about particular circumstances that have been wreaking havoc in my life (more so in my thoughts as they directly affect someone else’s life more than mine) or if these said circumstances are really hitting some kind of deeply rooted pain that I just don’t want to let bubble up from my gut to my reality. I know it is the latter of these two. It’s hard to face said root because it takes me to unfamiliar territory. This breeds both fear and excitement; fear because what in the world have I been doing for 52, almost 53, years…I’ve been living in a foreign bubble believing truths I needed to believe to think I was whole. It breeds excitement because I have a whole new world out there – one full of excitement and adventure – all of the things my heart has desperately been craving for so long.

Let’s get back to the fear…it has me questioning so many things…do I know how to love…I thought I did, but what if I’m like the others I thought loved me? Do I do that to others – tell them I love them and think I sincerely mean it but make them feel unloved? I hope with everything I am that I don’t. I know I don’t receive love particularly well. I pray for God to open my heart so I can live in abundant abandon with so much laughter, zeal, and energy. I pray that I not only live these things but also spread this love, zeal, and excitement. I want to love with reckless abandon and feel love with all of my heart – unguarded…just raw…knowing God will intersect and destroy all the evil arrows. These are my sincere prayers.

So I’m letting go…saying goodbye to the old hurts and false beliefs and jumping head first into a breathtakingly beautiful future that has already been paved by the greatest Love of all!

Glimpses of Her

On By kelleydgardnerIn Faith, freedom, healing, hope, Jesus, Love, Truth, WoundsLeave a comment

 I keep getting glimpses of this girl…she looks so familiar yet so foreign all at the same time.  This girl is a much younger version of me…she is me…or rather a shell of me.  I recognize her, and I remember the instances and the pain and for a very brief second, I feel the shame.  The shame only lasts a second now because I know that Jesus shamed shame on the cross.  This girl I see isn’t me…she is a very lost and confused version of me.  I ran for so many years…running away from pain and hurts all while creating more pain and hurts.  I hate that I wasted so much of my life.  I wonder how it would have turned out if I had only known the Truth.  I know that God uses all harm together for good for those that are called according to His purpose, so those years truly were not a waste.  They taught me empathy for others.  They taught me not to judge.  They taught me that we are all victims of something.  Ultimately, they taught me my worth.  They taught me not to settle for less than my worth.  They taught me that I am the daughter of God…I am cherished, adored and loved.  

I am very comfortable in my skin today, and I love who God made me to be.  I love living in the truth of who I am.  There is such a peace and freedom that marks your life when you realize that God is perfect, and He made you perfectly.  It doesn’t matter what anyone else says or thinks.  Who are they to question God’s masterpiece?

I won’t forget about this girl I see glimpses of – I’ll always recall her when I see others struggling and walking down the same path.  May God always give me eyes to see and a heart to nudge other women with the truth so they will also know that they are a perfect masterpiece – loved, cherished and adored!!

For Jesus

On By kelleydgardnerIn Faith, hope, Jesus, LoveLeave a comment

You possess a beauty like none other ~ not just a physical beauty, but an internal beauty that radiates the most powerful rays of light – rays that are so penetrating – you can’t receive the warmth of that and ever be the same! Those rays light up my heart and leak water from my eyes. You make my heart so full that it’s overwhelming – like my heart could burst at any moment and just explode bits of love all into the atmosphere. I feel your joy at this – your beautiful face as you laugh with delight! You are my heart, and I adore you always!!

Peace Amidst the Storms

On By kelleydgardnerIn Faith, freedom, healing, hope, Jesus, Love, romance, TruthLeave a comment

I think it’s a safe assumption to say that life has been a bit hard for all over the past couple of years. We have experienced brand new upheaval as a country, as families and as individuals. Havoc has certainly been wreaked on all of our hearts in some form or another. I say this with breath that is bated, but it certainly feels like we are all coming up for air now…not just any air…but fresh, exhilarating air. It’s like this new freshness is reuniting our hearts as a country and as families. The media would have us believe otherwise, but in my heart I know we all want the core fundamental things in life – important things like love and unity, laughter and joy, health and wholeness. We really just want others to walk with us, understand us and empathize with where we are on our individual walks with loving kindness – even if we have a difference of opinions. These opinions and thoughts we all have are a gift from God. We are all uniquely wired and uniquely shaped based on our life experiences, but ultimately, we are commanded to love each other…certainly harder sometimes (and for some folks more than others).This week in the midst of the chaos of my life – chaos meaning the hustle and bustle of everyday living and all that is thrown at me professionally and personally, I had one of those profound moments in the busyness of my day – actually while I was driving…where I felt completely still for a moment, and all I could see surrounding me (like I was the center of the sun and around me was nothing but warmth and love). Jesus popped into my car, into my head and most importantly, into my heart. In that circle surrounding me, I felt so much warmth, so much peace and so much love. It was amazing and was the perfect touch from this Great Love of mine! He jumped in and filled up everything Satan has been depleting in my heart.

I’m so thankful for Jesus – not because He promises me things through His word – but mainly because He is my promise. He is constant. His love is constant…like a circular motion surrounding my chaos always. I love that Jesus gives us the desires of our hearts, but truthfully, Jesus is the desire of my heart! With Him I have EVERYTHING!

Mid-Life Crisis

On By kelleydgardnerIn Faith, freedom, healing, hope, Jesus, Love, Truth, WoundsLeave a comment

This title kind of makes me giggle, yet I’m very serious about the topic…I’m 49 – I will definitely have a long life if I’m mid-life right now (and I hope I do).

I haven’t struggled with any age in the past – I’ve embraced each decade with vigor and an appreciation for my wisdom. For some reason 49 has really bothered me. I wondered if 50 might bother me, and I’ll let you know when I get there…but I never expected to feel this way at 49.

I’m not having a mid-life crisis in the normal sense….or maybe it is only men that buy sports cars…I did color my hair platinum blonde a year+ ago (not my best idea)…maybe that was part of this crisis…

In all seriousness – my crisis is more about feeling like my life hasn’t had meaning and purpose. I know I have a God given purpose, but I surely don’t feel like I’ve been progressing towards that. I’ve truly been so buried in work for the past year and several months that I have totally lost sight of my purpose…mainly meaning I haven’t had the emotional bandwidth to write or pray like I should…I haven’t spent time with Jesus like I should….mainly because that is so emotional for me (the best kind of emotional ever), and I think subconsciously I knew if I stopped and crawled into His arms, that would be all she wrote…I couldn’t lose sight of all of my other obligations, so instead I lost sight of my first Love and myself.

I’m starting to come up for air now as the holidays approach. I have more staff to help me and more on the way, so I hope to end 49 with accomplishments that speak to my heart and point to Jesus! I’m trying to give more things to God rather than continuing to tightly grasp everything and plunge forward like a stick of dynamite is chasing me.

My heart is for ministry, and that is my long term goal and how I want my life to end. Jesus presses on my heart that the “sick need a doctor”. People that are unsaved need to know Jesus…but it doesn’t end there…that is truly the beginning of a different race – the race to know ourselves in Jesus – the race to know who we truly are underneath all of the false identities that life has thrown at us – and that we so easily picked up and carried. I want to be the one to nurture people back to health – spiritual and emotional health. I want people to be free and light and airy – to walk through this life in the glory of who God created them to be – free to fulfill their very own purpose.

I heard somewhere this week that God created each of us with something that is unique to only Him and us – that each of us resemble Him in our own special way. I don’t know if this is true – but what if it is…that would be something!

To end – I heard this scripture Sunday in church, and it brought my heart back to life – the medicine I needed for this mid-life crisis of mine…Job 42:12 “The Lord blessed the latter part of Job’s life more than the former part”. There is hope – there is time – everything has and will happen right on time – in His perfect timing.

Seeds – deeply buried in my soul

On By kelleydgardnerIn freedom, healing, hope, Jesus, LoveLeave a comment
Walter Archie Carter 1/6/1938-4/12/1979

Seeds of love, seeds of beauty, seeds of wholeness, seeds of your voice, seeds of your adoration, seeds of your delight…you’ve instilled in me all of these things…enough for them to last my lifetime without you being here with me…you’ve instilled these things in me so that I would be able to love with my whole heart and give away all of the beautiful things that you have given to me. No one should feel alone. No one should feel hopeless. No one should feel sad. No one should feel empty. That isn’t what was or is meant to be.

Yet I’ve carried this stillness filled with emptiness for all of these years – 40 to be exact…it was only today that I realized that I feel loved in portions but not in whole. That’s not the truth. The truth is that in 8 short years, you gave me EVERYTHING – all of your heart, all of your love, and it is only today that I find all of those things buried in my soul…those seeds have blossomed but I couldn’t see the blooms until today.

No more emptiness. No more deep sadness. Only a beautiful field covered in sunlight with a brightness and fragrance that would take anyone’s breath away. You were my gift, and you will always be my gift! I miss you so much and love you even more than you could ever fathom…even after 40 years of not being with you! Loving you with all that I am – for eternity!

Who Do You Say I Am?

On By kelleydgardnerIn Faith, hope, Jesus, LoveLeave a comment

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Who do you say I am….

Breathtaking, Beautiful, Truth, Peace, King, Lover of my soul, Brilliant, Amazing, The Word, Counselor, Son of God, Grace, Honesty, Purity, Gentle, Passionate, Consuming, Overwhelming, Magnificent, Splendor, Loving, Forgiving, Healer, Overcomer, Victorious, Strength, Shield, Protector, Encourager, Living Water, Refresher, Restorer, Redeemer, Deliverer, The Christ, Lord, Savior, Love, Courage, Wealth, Song, Eternal, Everlasting, Alpha, Omega, Present, Gift, Freedom, Compassionate, Warm, Loving, Dances with me, Warrior, Prayer, Interceder, Defeater, Far-stretched, Hope, Intimacy, Foundation, Rock, Salvation, Resurrection, Worthy, Everlasting, Beginning and End, Elegant, Sweet, Pursuer, Mercy, Truth, The Way, Life, Fun, Happy, Pleased, Beaming, Laughter, Tears, Doctor, Sword, Priest, Teacher, My Heart, Tender

I say You are the Christ! You are the one and only Son of God! You are My Lord & Savior! You are my life!

Remorse

On By kelleydgardnerIn Faith, freedom, hope, Jesus, Love, Truth, WoundsLeave a comment

Remorse = deep regret or guilt for a wrong committed.

 

I turned on the TV yesterday afternoon and was very disappointed to find the OJ parole hearing.  I honestly didn’t know the full story of why he went to prison.  I honestly didn’t care either.  I never followed the first trial even though the media saturated us with every detail of it all of those years ago.  I, like most others, assumed he was guilty of murder.  It was very sad.  I was so very sad for his kids, for the families of Nicole and Ron, and even for OJ if he was, indeed, guilty.  How do you get so possessed that you commit murder of someone you supposedly love so much?  Anyway, I digress.

I found myself getting sucked into the parole hearing…which was so strange for me.  It was stressed that OJ needed to show remorse…that would be the most important deciding factor.  Did I see remorse in him – not really…then again it was made clear that he and the victim of that crime in Las Vegas had made peace with each other and forgiven each other years ago.  Truly some time ago OJ must have shown him that he was remorseful.  The love this man showed for OJ at the hearing was deep and genuine.  How can you show so much love for someone that hurt you so deeply if they aren’t truly sorry?

I found myself hoping that OJ would be paroled.  I found myself praying for this man – praying for God’s will to be done.  I felt kind of guilty hoping for parole knowing how much pain this man allegedly caused so many.  While I didn’t see remorse, I did see humility and vulnerability.  That is what pulled at my heart strings.  Here is this 70 year old man that was larger than life while in his prime…a man that was loved by so many.  I love someone that can be vulnerable in front of others…someone that is humbled by knowing his fate lies in the hands of others and he has no control over what they decide and must live with their decision – right or wrong.  I loved the happiness – the deep happiness I saw in his eyes when the decision was made for parole.  OJ mentioned that he was doing bible study while in prison and wanted to be a better Christian.  I truly pray that he will give his entire life to God…that Jesus will truly be his Lord and Savior.  I know that very often my heart is bigger than my head – as it was in this case.  I often want to believe that people will choose to be who God calls them to be…that they will be good and noble.

Over the last 24 hours I have been reflecting on this case…still feeling strange about how this parole hearing made me feel – how it opened my heart to someone that in my head had done so much that was wrong, yet I so wanted him to have a chance at life – a chance to be with his family and friends – a chance to show that he is reformed – a chance to be a huge witness for Jesus.  I still pray for all of those chances for him…I hope in my heart of hearts that yesterday wasn’t an act…I hope in my heart of hearts that I wasn’t fooled by him.

On to what the real heart of this matter is – as it truly isn’t OJ or his parole.  The real heart of the matter is remorse.  I’ve been struggling for years with particular relationships…relationships that caused very deep wounds.  I chose to do the Godly thing and forgive…I didn’t always forgive right away.  Sometimes it took a good couple of years and a lot of prayer.  Sometimes I opened my heart back up to these people that hurt me – other times I knew it was time to walk away.   What I found the times I chose not to walk away is that nothing really changed – people continued to hurt me over and over again.  I’ve prayed through the years for Jesus to teach me how to have a relationship with these people.  I finally realized this morning that it’s not possible.  What this case has taught me is that without remorse, the attacker will never be a safe place.  Convicts aren’t safe for society and will commit the same crimes again and again.  People that attack will continue to attack and hurt others over and over again – they will never be a safe place.  They are their own idols – they are more important to themselves than anyone else.  As sad as it is, you will either have to walk away or continuously guard your heart.  It feels like death when there is no remorse – like a funeral.  It hurts.  It’s important to forgive, but without remorse we can’t move forward in the same way.  You have to remove people from the places in your heart that you have let them reside.

Hallelujah Moments

On By kelleydgardnerIn Faith, freedom, hope, Jesus, Love, romance, Truth, WoundsLeave a comment

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This is one of those posts that makes my heart weighted.  I’ve had it saved as a draft for several days because I knew I needed to have the emotional capacity to write it…not so much because it’s painful to write, but more so because this Hallelujah Moment I refer to is so pivotal – at least it was for me.  Maybe not everyone has one of these moments…maybe that’s something to be thankful for…each of our journeys is different because we are all unique with a unique purpose.  I love reflecting on this moment in my life – not the painful thing that caused it, but rather the raw and vulnerable moment with God that brought me to my knees at His feet in tears…my Mary of Bethany moment (John 12:3).

Have you ever experienced something in your life that makes you feel like your choices  altered the course of it and even altered your heart to the very core?  I’ve already blogged about that particular incident in my life (Buried But Never Forgotten), so I won’t rehash all of those details.  My hallelujah moment was many years later after much healing – after so many layers had been peeled back, and I was finally able to see the truth.  It was in that moment that I broke down into hysterical tears and wept and wept and wept…the beauty of it was that I wept at the feet of my Savior and my greatest Love while He stroked my hair.  I was finally able to look at Him and tell Him how sorry I was that I ran from Him because of shame instead of running to Him to make it right.  I felt like I had turned my back on not just myself and my values, but like I had forsaken Him and let Him down beyond repair.  It was a clear plot of Satan, as it usually is…he feels threatened so he tries his hardest to separate us from God…but those that love God with the deepest love can always find their way back to Him.  He is always there waiting with the most tender eyes and  loving arms – no anger just enormous love.

It was so freeing for me to tell Him how sorry I was for breaking His heart – it was so freeing for me to tell Him how heartbroken I was.  It was the most beautiful, healing moment.  I think the most healing thing of all was standing on the truth, cradled in His arms, reveling in His love…our hearts united at the deepest level knowing that they could never be pulled apart again.  Do you know how much our heavenly Father adores it when we go running to Him full speed ahead, unstoppable until we are in His arms?  He longs for that.  He longs for us to shower Him with our love.  Our love makes His eyes dance.  Our love makes His heart sing.  There is no moment that can possibly be more intimate.  This hallelujah moment puts you back on course – leaving that thing that took you off course at the foot of the cross while you take your Love’s hand and continue your resurrection journey.

There are several references to this hallelujah moment in the Bible – the two that stand out to me the most are Samson and David. It was the story of Samson that made me have this revelation…how he lost his power when he let Delilah shave his head(Judges 16:18).  My power was my heart and being able to love without abandon…I let someone take that from me, and it was indeed heartbreaking and had lots of consequences, but it didn’t make God love me any less – and in the end it made me love Him so much more.  My favorite hallelujah moment in the Bible was when David realized that he had sinned against the Lord with Bathsheba (2 Samuel 12).  I love David’s heart.  I’ve always loved his heart!  He loved God so much!  He was so quick, once he recognized the truth, to fall on his knees and weep before the Lord for betraying Him.

I pray that if you have something in your life that altered your heart, you will have your very own hallelujah moment – I pray you will find Him because He is waiting for you with more love than you could ever fathom.  I pray that this moment will set you back on course to experience life in your rightful place – you are His Beloved – Prince/Princess – Son/Daughter of a King.  You were created for a wonderful and significant purpose – it’s time to walk in that while your proud Daddy’s heart beats in tune with yours to the melody of His love!

 

 

 

 

 

For my Sweetheart – Happy 11th Anniversary!

On By kelleydgardnerIn Love, romanceLeave a comment

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Today (July 23, 2016) is my 11th wedding anniversary.  I opted to blog rather than buy a Hallmark – after all, my husband deserves the spotlight!

I guess everyone always says the same thing – I can’t believe it has been 11 years, and I can’t believe it has ONLY been 11 years.  It’s so hard to remember me before him…honestly, I like the me WITH him so much more (God played a big part in that)!

I met this incredible man in church.  I quickly developed a huge crush on him (which I totally hid as if my life depended on it).  I was drawn to him (not because I thought he was hot – even though I did think that) but more because he had the most gentle and sweetest spirit.  He had a laugh that was contagious – it lit up not only his whole face but the entire room as well.  He was intelligent.  He had himself together – already owned a house and had begun a wonderful career as a teacher.  I was very impressed…and I was very smitten too!

He asked me out, and to make a short story even shorter, we were married a little less than 7 months later.  Ecclesiastes 3 pretty much sums up the past 11 years: There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens…  Together we have experienced weeping, laughing, mourning and dancing.  I hold in my heart all of these things…I wouldn’t change a thing.  Even through the most painful times, Chuck was there for me and held my heart like no one other than God could have.  He has let me cry with my face buried in his chest countless times, and his soothing and loving touch nursed my heart back to health.  He lets me dance through the grocery store isles when I hear a song I love (uncontrollable urge on my part), and he loves me even more for doing it.

I love that with him I am raw and vulnerable.  I love that I know how much he loves me always – even when we disagree…it’s an unconditional love like I’ve never known.  I love that when I’m upset, he immediately prays for me out loud on the spot with such passion and fervor.  I love his strength.  I love his passion.  I love his fight.  I love his dedication and loyalty.  I love his heart.

I’m so glad I waited for God’s best for me (even when I really didn’t want to wait).  Chuck is the perfect man for me, and I’m so blessed that He was God’s choice for me (I prayed for God to arrange my marriage).  I would marry him over and over and over again.  I truly love him more with each passing day.  I respect him more with each passing day.  I’m more thankful for him with each passing day.  I’m more in awe of God for bringing me him each passing day.  I’m so proud to be his wife.  I’m so proud of him – proud of the choices he makes, proud that he lets God lead him, proud of his noble character, proud of the man he is, period!

Happy Anniversary my Love!  You are the greatest love I’ve ever known!   This journey has been incredible, and I love that I get to walk out the rest of my days with you! I’m excited for each and every day of our lives together – love you always, your girl