Buried, but never forgotten…

I sit here scared to write this post…truly no idea what words will end up on this page when I’m finished…this one little piece of my heart is so hurt and so damaged.  I’d rather not dig out all of the gravel that I’ve used to fill up this hole because I know it is going to hurt like hell.  This hole has been in my heart for 26 years.  God has already started the process of digging out the gravel and bringing this nasty, ugly, hateful piece of my heart to the surface.  He has been exposing it.  This is not something I’ve wanted to revisit.  I haven’t wanted to feel this pain again…truthfully, I’ve been feeling the pain for 26 years and it has wreaked so much havoc on my life.  I’m beyond tired of being a victim to it.

I’ve often thought about my testimony and how in the world I would speak about it if asked because there is just so much to it…so many nuances.  I’ve had so many twists and turns in my life, and God has so beautifully taken me on a drive down that winding road called my life letting me visit those things that crushed my soul in the safety of His arms while He took charge of my heart – making it new – replacing wounds with flesh.  It’s strange how I sit here today realizing that this one particular ‘relationship’ has been at the root of so much pain in my life.  I always thought my father’s death when I was 8 shaped my life – I thought most of my scars were born at that time.  I’m sure a lot of scars were born on that sad day in April – in fact I know that they were, and honestly, maybe those scars set the stage for this one – the dreaded one of which I keep referring.

This person stripped me of my innocence.  He stripped me of hope.  He stripped me of worth.  He made me dirty.  He made me feel so ashamed.  I’ve been carrying all of this around for 26 years never even realizing the depths of this and the branches that grew from it.  I loved him – I honestly don’t know how that was ever possible – but I did.  It was an unhealthy love, and it was clearly never returned.  My heart sought after him for a good year, maybe it was even two years – so hard to remember now – he would pop in and out of my life as it served his needs…and I always welcomed him with open arms…and I was always deeply saddened when he went away again never knowing when or if he would be back.  Every time I saw his car or saw him, my heart would skip a beat.  I don’t understand how I got so sucked in…so charmed by him and his lies.

There was one night in particular that he had told me that he really needed to talk to me.  He came over and told me how much he missed me and that he wanted to be in a relationship again.  He was drunk, but he hadn’t been drunk earlier in the evening when he so desperately needed to talk to me.  I wanted to believe him.  I needed to believe him.  He kept trying to have sex with me, but I just couldn’t do it.  I was too exhausted by him.  My heart was weak and weary.  He was on top of me drunk and heavy – he kept persisting – kept telling me how much he wanted to make love to me.  I told him no over and over and over, but he never gave up.  He wore me down until I gave in – powerless – no fight left.  I didn’t open up to him longingly.  In my soul I knew I couldn’t trust him.  I wish I would have had the power to fight him off that night and rid him from my life, but I didn’t.  Honestly, I don’t remember when he left.  What I do remember is waking up and going to the bathroom the next morning and feeling sick.  Something was different.  I felt different.  I still loved him but it wasn’t with a hopeful heart.  It was with a heavy heart, a violated heart, a heart that had been torn in half, a heart that was so damaged that it is still in desperate need of repair this very second as I write this.

The string of events that happened over the next 2 months compounded the nastiness of that night.  The same day I found out he was engaged to someone else (and had been all along) is the day I found out I was carrying his child.  There I was – in the situation I swore would never happen to me…after all, I was better than that.  I was a good girl.  I felt crippled…I felt afflicted.  I just wanted the nightmare to be over.  I had no one to confide in – no one to talk to.  For the first and really, the only time in my life, I seriously contemplated suicide…not just contemplated it, but was in the moment when I was about a millimeter from moving forward with it.  The only thing that stopped me was the thought of breaking my mother’s heart – she had already been through too much in her life.  I also new this pregnancy would disappoint her – I was so ashamed of myself – so depressed – so distraught.  I decided to do the only thing I thought would fix it.  I ended my pregnancy.  I gave a fake name. I knew I was a bad girl and needed to be punished, so I wouldn’t let the doctor give me anything for pain…I laid there and felt every last bit of the pain from that procedure – physically and emotionally.  The procedure took my baby away – the procedure allowed me to keep my secret – but that procedure never took away my pain.  That pain is still very much alive today.  I’ve lived all these years with the shame of what I did.  I’ve lived all of these years with guilt – not just because my baby was gone but because I couldn’t claim her.  I’ve publicly claimed my babies that I miscarried after I was married – saying that they are waiting for me in heaven…but I’ve never been able to claim this baby because she was kept secret – buried and hidden.  I’ve been angry for a long time – angry at him because it was his fault that I couldn’t claim my baby.  I realize that I get very angry at anyone that slights me and makes me feel helpless and defenseless and invisible.

What I’ve been realizing over the past couple of weeks is that I still feel so ashamed and so dirty.  I imagine myself alone with God, and I can’t even look at Him right now.  I’m not worthy to look at Him or be with Him.  That’s not normal.  God has always been my safe place…the place where I’m always delighted in and beautiful and adored.  This revelation is what led me to the point of dredging all of this up – I know God wants to heal my heart.  I’m so thankful for that.

I’ve been keeping this piece of my heart hidden without realizing it.  I’ve given everything to God, but He has had to dig through so many layers of my heart and slowly bring me to this point…this point where I could finally handle this deep pain that altered everything about me (or so it felt).  God has been with me all along even through the years that I deemed myself unworthy to feel His presence.  He loved me all along – all of me –  my hurts, my wounds, my imperfections…He saw my heart not my sins. He saw my brokenness, and He caught my many tears and wept. He has been in the dark recesses of my heart – clearing a path for the light.  I’m finally understanding that these were my circumstances, and yes, they were awful.  No, I didn’t make the best choices…but these circumstances never defined me.  My identity has never been tied to what I did or didn’t do.  That is very freeing.

Psalm 23:  The Lord is my shepherd; I have all that I need.  He lets me rest in green meadows; he leads me beside peaceful streams.  He renews my strength.  He guides me along right paths, bringing honor to his name.  Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me.  Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me.  You prepare a feast for me in the presence of my enemies.  You honor me by anointing my head with oil.  My cup overflows with blessings.  Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me all the days of my life, and I will live in the house of the Lord forever.

He prepares a feast for me in the presence of my enemies…my enemies are shame, guilt, worthlessness, sadness, anxiety, death, fatigue, emptiness.  These enemies have haunted me since that dreadful time in my life, but it’s time to say goodbye to them…time to remove the shackles that I’ve been dragging around.  May I have the faith and love of Paul and Silas moving forward, and may I always grab ahold of my Love for my Savior in remembrance of all that He has brought me through…famine and feast…and know who I am.

Today I tell you that I am the daughter of a King.  I am the mom of three children:  Paxton Ann, Geneva Grace and Charles Samuel.  My babies are the lucky ones – they are being raised with God and the angels and will never know anything except for Love.  One day I will be with them all, but for now and always, I will hold them in my heart and love them with all that I am.

The truth is what sets us free, and as scary as it is to hit publish on this post, I know it’s what I need to do.  It is my sincere prayer that other ladies with similar struggles will be led here and will find healing in these words…most importantly, I pray that they will find themselves in the arms of a Savior that loves and adores them, and that they will know no shame as they gaze into His loving eyes.

 

War Room

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Chuck and I went to see War Room yesterday afternoon.  To say it did not disappoint is an understatement…it awakened my heart…it renewed my love affair with Jesus.  It reminded me of the power of passionate and deeply heart-felt prayer.

I couldn’t wait to see this movie when I saw the previews.  Nothing gets my spirit stirred like passion and prayer.  This movie was filled with that.  It’s amazing what being vulnerable with God does in people’s lives.  That is what brings out our true Joy…vulnerability and real relationship with Christ.

A couple of months ago Chuck and I were sitting on the beach basking in the serenity and beauty of God’s work, and I explained to him what I wanted for our family…what I wanted for our marriage…what I wanted for our lives.  I guess that may sound strange as we have been married for 10 years, but this life is a journey and a process, and through the process of this journey, I realized what my true heart’s desire really is.  It was a hard thing to explain, but after seeing this movie Chuck understood with his heart everything that I told him that night on the beach.  My true heart’s desire is to commune with Jesus…to revel in the romance of Him…to dance in the adoration of Him…to feel His gaze deep within my soul…to live my life with Him in every moment.  I want our home and our decisions to be led by Him.  I want to experience intimacy with Him with my husband.  I want the three of us to be so intertwined…like perichoresis – a fellowship of three co-equal beings perfectly embraced in love and harmony and expressing an intimacy that no one can humanly comprehend.  If He is for us, who can be against us?  As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.  These are my heart’s desires.  If I have this, I have everything!

This movie encouraged us to start our own war room…something we started at the beginning of our marriage and somehow put down as life got in the way.  I can’t wait to start the next chapter with my husband…I absolutely can’t wait.  My heart is overflowing – my cup runneth over.  I love the simplicity of my heart’s greatest desire.  I love that I have had it all along…I just needed to lay some other things down that were getting in the way.

I wish I could relay through this post all of the sweet things God is doing in our lives.  I find myself excited with the faith and happiness of a child.  I find that I can’t stop smiling with my face or my heart.  This journey is so beautiful.  This dance is so soft and tender.  My prayer is that everyone would find this Romance and know this Love!

When The Music Fades…

When the music fades
All is stripped away
And I simply come
Longing just to bring
Something that’s of worth
That will bless Your heart

I’m reminded of these lyrics today.  This is from one of my favorite songs “The Heart of Worship.”  It definitely means different things to me in different seasons.

I long for things to be stripped away.  ‘Stripped Away’ is a recurring theme in my life these days. As I sit here and put these words on paper, that becomes obvious to me.

I long for simple things…love, laughter, life.  I long for intimacy – meaningful relationships that are built of substance.  I’ve become less tolerant of fluff.  Life is too short to cloud it with things that just don’t matter.  I want to soak up every moment and feel it with my whole heart.

Over the past 10 years God has been stripping away false identities that I have carried my whole life.  I’m at a point now of feeling so much freedom and joy, but I realize that I have over-complicated my life with things/people that just don’t add happiness to it.  These lyrics remind me of the joy found in just being still and experiencing His love and witnessing His beauty in the most simple places.  That is what my heart truly longs for, and I’m on a mission to find my buried Treasure and enjoy it in all its splendor.  When the music fades and all is stripped away, all will be right with my world!

Forgiving…Is It a Choice?

I’ve always heard that we must forgive, and I know what the scripture says. After years of feeling guilty for not forgiving people in my heart though I desperately wanted to, I began to pray about this topic. What I realized is that we should have a forgiving heart, but we can’t help how we feel. When someone wounds us, it takes time to heal. God can handle the truth – He already knows our heart. This was one of the most freeing revelations to me. I’ve had situations in my life where I was so wounded that I didn’t think I would ever get past the pain. When you feel deep pain like that, you want the person that put you in that state to hurt too…not the most Godly thing to say out loud, but it is truth nonetheless. We are, after all, humans. At the end of the day, it’s what we do with that hurt and pain that matters. There have been several instances where I had to pray for years – I mean years – lots of them, for God to heal my pain and take away my bitter heart. I had to distance myself from the people that hurt me as they weren’t sorry for their actions and had no intention of trying to redeem the situation. Honestly, how do wounds heal when there is no redemption? That would be like expecting a cut to heal and close even though you never got the dirt and bacteria out of it…it just simply doesn’t happen. When people hurt you and don’t seem to care, only God can heal the wound. It will take however long it takes…it will happen in God’s timing. I can tell you that it truly was my heart not to be bitter, and I purposely put distance between myself and those that hurt me so that I wouldn’t act in an ungodly manner, and more so that I would have the time and space to heal in God’s timing. Honestly, it’s not a pleasant state to be in – bitterness only hurts you…not the person that did the hurting.

Forgiveness itself isn’t a choice. Your heart can’t just choose to forgive no matter what your head does. Your actions and your petitions to God are your choices. You intentionally choosing to persevere no matter how long it takes to heal is your choice.

Have freedom in knowing that God can handle your broken heart, and He will nurse it back to health in His timing with the love and compassion that only He can give. Guard against bitter actions by praying, praying again and praying some more.

Sometimes those relationships are redeemed though it just may be years later. Sometimes those relationships aren’t. The one thing that always stands true is that God WILL heal your heart with His loving touch in His perfect timing!

Why Do People Have to Be So Mean?

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This is truly not a rant. I’m honestly quite brokenhearted by the lack of compassion and empathy of people. I don’t understand how people can be mean for mean’s sake -just to intentionally hurt others! That is straight from the pits of hell. I’ve been on the receiving end of such meanness more times than I care to count. It cuts to the quick, and honestly, it is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to get over.

I saw the picture above on Facebook, and for whatever reason, it healed something in my heart from one of these deep wounds – one that I had been trying to get over for 5 years. It’s not that I think I’m better than anyone else…I truly don’t. I do, however, know that I will never be like the people who do this to others…my mind nor my heart works that way. It just isn’t how I am wired, and it’s foreign to me. Through this picture I realized that it is my choice to walk away from this kind of behavior and simply not to tolerate it. The behavior of others doesn’t define me…it never did. It’s like there is a pool of witchcraft that people like this choose to swim in…I choose to not be a part of it. That is freeing. I love how in an instant, years of heartache disappear with just a sweet touch…a sweet whisper! There is reward with perseverance!

A Magical Night

It felt like we would never get there…the drive was endless.  Traffic jams, torrential down pours, and various other deterrents kept getting in the way.  Exhaustion ensued many hours before the 17 hour drive was over.

Finally around 11:30pm, we arrived.  The vacation could officially begin.  We had finally arrived at the beach; my favorite place of all places.  We quickly unloaded the car, and I could hardly wait to walk out to the ocean.

Ah – at last – there it was in all its splendor…just as magnificent as the last time I gazed upon it…maybe even more so this time.

The odd thing was that as I approached the ocean, my spirit quickened.  I felt nervous.  My heart felt weighted down – I wasn’t sad – I just felt heavy.

The lighthouse was aglow with its light flickering across the ocean.  The moon was so bright; its light dancing across the water.  I felt like I had just stepped into a magical movie set.  The air was still except for a gentle breeze that lightly caressed my cheek.  I quite literally felt like I was in heaven.  I felt like I had entered God’s throne room – the Holy of Holies.

Genesis 1:2 Now the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters.

Magical, serene, beautiful, raw, vulnerable, naked, unashamed – these are the words that described my emotions and feelings.  It was magnetic really – my sense of belonging there – our spirits intertwined, dancing to the melody of the breeze as the night was beautifully illuminated by the moonlight.  I won’t soon forget that night, and I eagerly await the next dance and the next time I will get to feel my heart soar like that!

Pathway to Peace

I had a dream…

I woke up just after midnight – the time on the clock stood out to me. I also woke up squeezing the covers in my hands trying to kill the lion (thank God Eddie wasn’t near me – I could have hurt him in my sleep).

So the dream took place in LaGrange in the exact house where I grew up from age 8 – college. I was married to Chuck, and we were living there. We had a dog that was older and big…he was laying across the street in the neighbor’s yard (much like my childhood dog used to do). I glanced out the window as I was just going about my business perfectly content when I saw a lion outside.
It was mangy looking. At first glance I saw hanging in its mane just below the head on the front of the neck, a skeleton with valves hanging from it (like heart valves – a red one for sure…maybe a yellow one in addition. There were 2 valves). Then the lion turned around and the same skeleton and valves were in the hair around his tail. The first thing I thought was that lion is going to kill my dog. I started yelling for Chuck and ran outside to get my dog inside…it was a race to beat the lion, and I was frantic. Chuck never answered or acknowledged me. I tried to get the dog to run, but he wouldn’t get up at all – no sense of harm or urgency. So I started pulling him, but he was too big, and I couldn’t get him to come – all the while the lion was approaching. I was still screaming for Chuck and looking at the open front door and nothing – Chuck was nowhere to be found.
I put my arms around the dog when all of a sudden the lion was in my face. So it was me with my dog in my arms – my dog’s head by my head and the lions head by my dog’s head. I was so scared because I knew he was going to kill my dog (I wasn’t concerned for my own safety). Next thing I know I decide I have to try to kill the lion even though I think it’s impossible. I start grabbing for his throat and saying to myself that I can do it, I can do it (because I hate to harm anything and it was gross, but I was desperate). Then I woke up grasping the covers thinking it was the lion’s throat.

This dream was stock piled with revelations – the answers to years of prayers. God showed me through this dream where the irrational fear and anxiety that I have felt since childhood was born. The fear ended after this revelation. Through this dream, God connected me to my father in a new way…for the first time I felt a connection to him as an adult even though I was 8 when he died. Through this dream God showed me just how discerning I have always been even when I was too young to understand it. This dream set me free on so many levels, and I’m so thankful.

2014 Comes To A Close

I sit here on New Year’s Eve definitely ready to wrap up 2014. It hasn’t been the worst year of my life, but it hasn’t been the best (not even sure what the best would be – maybe it will be 2015). My heart feels heavy and consumed with certain things. I feel a strong sense that I need to let those things go – leave them with 2014 and not look back on them as I start 2015. 2014 has been a year of survival for me…holding my breath trying to get through hoping the hammer wouldn’t fall. I became so accustomed to things going wrong in 2013 that it set the tone for 2014. No hammer fell on me – yet it was still a hard year…I waded through a lot of things – things that felt like thick sludge – was a long, slow journey – as I hashed things out emotionally and physically.

The things I need to leave behind with 2014 (and I wholeheartedly give these things to God – His to gently lay down and blow away like old dust):
1. Bitterness and hurt towards people that have deeply wounded me. I pray blessings for these people and truly pray that God will make my heart light and happy for them as they receive blessings. I pray that I may see everyone through the lens of God – not through the lens of my hurt.

2. Negative outlook about myself – for the first time in years I feel a strong resolve to be healthy physically by eating right and exercising…however, I don’t want to feel good about myself because I think I look better. I want to feel good about myself because the weight loss means leaving things in my past along with the fat – leaving my past in my past – the hurt, the anxiety, the fear, the loss, the longing.

3. Fear of death or things to come (mainly death of others I love)…but I do always look behind my back waiting for someone to murder me or attack me – so very strange. I need to give that fear to God and leave it behind. I pray I would see the people that I suspect of hurting me through the lens of God as well…I pray that as I look at them, they would receive the love of God through my gaze – that it would make them feel warm and loved.

4. I leave behind the need to take care of everyone making sure everyone is safe and doesn’t feel lonely. All I can do is pray for those people and leave it up to God.

5. Negativity about my circumstances. I hope to live and understand that God is in all of my circumstances even when I don’t feel Him. It is my true desire to wake up every day and feel joy and happiness as I look expectantly towards my day – towards my dance with my Love. Every day there will be a new and special encounter…new because it’s a new day…special because every encounter is. I pray that my life will be a dance – melodic and filled with love and deep emotion, a quiet passion, a softness, and grace always.

I shed the things of my past…they no longer need to hurt me. All of those things are nailed to the cross. Tonight I cut the cords of the things that have weighted me down – like balloons being held down by sand…the sand is gone…now I will float through this world with pure freedom, happiness – giggling my way through this life with joy that I never imagined possible. What a beautiful journey I have ahead…no idea what waits for me in this life on earth, but I do know I’m not ever alone. The lover of my heart, soul and spirit will be dancing with me, leading me into forever, giggling with me.

I’m ready for 2015 – although I’m ready for new things, I don’t want to delete the old things – those things have brought me wisdom – they have built me up and torn me down – 2015 is more a year to take off and fly…to use the foundation of everything God has instilled in me for all of my life really, but even more so for the past 11 years.

I shall label 2015 my greatest dance – here’s to the music of my heart flowing effortlessly completely intertwined with my greatest Love.

My Earth Suit

This post has been on my heart for quite some time, but I have been avoiding it…not entirely sure why – guess I just haven’t felt like going there emotionally.

When I look in the mirror – this is what I see:

– an aging woman
– a woman with entirely too much fat around the middle (big gut)
– a woman with too much cellulite
– a woman with fat arms
– a woman with a fat face
– a huge nose
– a woman that looks tired and worn out

All of that is a little hard to take because the first time I ever felt acceptance was because of my looks. I just don’t know how to reconcile everything in my head.

What I value the most about myself is my heart and my character – not my looks – it has never been my looks that mattered to me. Honestly, I think it would have been easier to never have been accepted because of my looks – could have saved me a lot of heartache, and maybe I wouldn’t have these struggles that I have today.

I get annoyed when I see size 2, 4 and 6 women talk about being fat and being on a diet. I get annoyed because I REALLY need to be on a diet – I should have the right to say that – not them. Funny thing is – when I was their size, I said it too. I hate that society does that to us as women…I believe we should be healthy, but I just wish so much emphasis wasn’t placed on being a stick figure. What happened to values and morals and things of substance? Where are those things?

I complain, yet I can’t remove myself from the stigma – and I hate that!

Here’s what I know about all of my extra fat – it has been my crutch for the past 9 years. I ate due to anxiety – I ate due to depression – I ate because I didn’t know what to do with my dashed hopes and dreams. My fat represents my babies in heaven – the ones that I will never see on this earth. My fat represents all of the death I’ve seen in my life. My fat represents the times I have felt so lost on this earth – so aimless – so without purpose. My fat represents my heartaches – and God knows there have been so many that I can’t keep up with them…honestly, I shouldn’t keep up with them. I’ve given them to God – and His they shall remain. I shouldn’t hate the fat or hate what my body has become – I should look at it and be happy that I came through all of these years so in tact with a Savior who loves and adores every single millimeter of me. My body doesn’t represent who or what I am…I wish when I looked in the mirror I would see character, faith, hope and perseverance – that is what my body represents…trials, hurt, pain, dark times. It also represents the sweetest moments of my life – the moments that I was cradled in Love while I laid in a ball on the floor crying my eyes out – comforted beyond belief. I have walked through so much in this body. This body represents my story – and my story is so beautiful. I wouldn’t trade my story, my journey, for anything. I wouldn’t trade my heart or my mercy for anything. I wouldn’t trade my love for God for anything! That love is the single greatest gift I have ever received…my love for Him and His love for me – I can’t even describe the depths of it – I can’t describe the passion and the compassion – I can’t describe the tenderness – I can’t describe the grace, the beauty, the elegance – I can’t describe the dance, the glances, the rhythm.

It is my prayer that when I look in the mirror all I will see is God’s love for me…I pray that I will see myself through the lens of God.

I do need to lose some weight for health reasons, but I truly want to lay down any other reasons…it has been like yen/yang in my mind….trying to go back to being the person I was (the girl accepted because she was so pretty) except I hated being that girl – so why in the world do I long for it so much? It’s such an internal battle. Truthfully, I love who I am now. I love being 44 – I embrace my journey – I embrace the things God has shown me. I walk in full confidence as who God created me to be on the inside…I just haven’t been able to get the outside to match up.

It is my hope and prayer that I will lay this down as I publish this post…that I will quit trying to shed something that is part of me…that I will move forward loving myself as God loves me…that I will move forward in beauty, grace and elegance.

I know that this is my body – my earth suit. It carries me – a Spirit being that has a soul. My body doesn’t define me; my Spirit does – my soul does. I will walk forward in all 3 parts – leaving no parts behind until God calls me home. I’m going to love and appreciate all 3 parts…I think the healthiest perspective moving forward is agreeing to show my body some love (nourish it correctly with healthy things)…feels much better to think of it that way than to keep rejecting it and trying to get rid of it. So onward I go…

Her Name Is Grace

Not sure why I felt led to title this blog post in the third person, but I did, so it shall be.

Grace. 1) Grace: Synonyms: Elegance, loveliness, and beauty. 2) Meaning: admired 3) Biblically: God’s favor

Grace is found 170 times in the King James Version of the Bible.

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Earlier this year I started a Christian counseling course – one that I felt led not to finish – but, nonetheless, one of the things that stood out for me before I stopped going was that God sometimes gives us a new name…I thought about that, and I was quite sure God had not given me a new name. I know that God does, in fact, give us new names. Look at Abraham, Sarah and Paul from the Bible. Clearly in this case our new name is more of a term of endearment that has a special meaning between you and God as no one else starts calling you that.

Well, for my birthday this year, Chuck surprised me with a zip lining adventure in Blue Ridge, GA. Neither of us had ever done it. We really lucked out – it ended up being only us and 1 other couple on our course. None of us had ever zip lined. We flew through the 2 hour course in 1 hour and 15 minutes. The other couple was a lot of fun. I particularly liked the girl…she laughed and screamed every single time she zipped. Her laughter was contagious. I apparently nailed a smooth and graceful landing pretty much every time. The girl looked at me and said, “Your new name is Grace” and I told her that her new name was Fun. And there you have it…just like that…my NEW name.

And as I sit here and write I get answers…Her Name is Grace – that’s what God says when he points me out to his beloveds in heaven. That’s why I was led to write it in third person.

I ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT! When I read the definition of Grace – that is how I’ve always wanted to be known – Graceful, Elegant, Lovely, Beautiful…not that I ever thought any of those things about myself, but that is always what I’ve wanted to be. Maybe, just maybe, I am all of those things :).

My grandmother’s name was Geneva Grace. Every single story I’ve ever heard about her embodies all of the definitions above. I never met her – she died when my mom was a little girl. Funny, I’ve always felt a connection with her. I look like her, and I certainly love the Lord like she did. Can’t wait to meet her.

Our daughter in heaven is named Geneva Grace Gardner – GG for short. I imagine she is all of those things too. I can’t wait to meet her one day.

What a heritage! I feel blessed. I feel chosen. I feel adored.

I will always be thankful for God’s grace. I will always be thankful that I am God’s Grace!